Education is an art
—— Make the family more loving
On the issue of children's education, we have three questions to ponder:
1. Do we place so much love and expectation on our children that they feel that they will never meet the requirements of their parents?
2. When the child is trying to grow up, do we use our own expectations to force him to the road that he does not want to go?
3. In the process of children's growth, have we done a good job of helping children establish the correct three views?
Most parents hope to raise children who have a good career, and they also give selfless love to their children, but sometimes, our love is expressed in the wrong way, but it becomes a psychological burden on the child.
Excessive love and false expressions
Knowing the last blogger, I saw a father take his child to KFC for dinner, and during the meal, the father suddenly said to the child in a very depressed tone:
"I have to work hard for half a day to earn money for this meal you eat."
The child was originally very happy to eat his favorite food, after the father said this sentence, he was obviously silent, the speed of chewing also slowed down, obviously the child listened to the father's words, his heart is quietly changing.
When the child knows that his father needs to pay so much hard to get this delicious meal, his heart is tormented, and when he encounters expensive and beautiful things in the future, he will hesitate, he will be inferior, and even every time he will think of his father's words, he feels that he is not worthy of having beautiful things.
If the father says something else, "This meal is expensive, but we can eat better in the future after struggling", maybe the child will have more fighting spirit in his heart, rather than guilt and inferiority.
Many parents think that telling their children about their difficulties and hardships will be exchanged for their children's understanding and hard work.
"In order to provide for you to go to school, I get up early every day and work very hard, in order to let you go to this school, I have asked a lot of people and entrusted a lot of relationships..."
"As long as you study well and have a good time in the future, we are willing to work hard and tired."
"I'm reluctant to eat, save it for you to eat."
Parents always put "everything is for you" on their lips, often emphasizing their own efforts and sacrifices. Faced with this suffocating way of expression and education, the child is forced to become a "debtor" without choice.
He will feel that he is a debtor, and when the child feels that he is unable or able to repay the debt he owes to his parents, the child's mental health will be in trouble.
Children often feel:
"My parents can live better without me, they are working so hard now, all because of me"
"My parents have such hard-earned money, I shouldn't buy expensive good things."
"My parents worked so hard for me, but I never met their expectations and goals, and I had no choice."
Perhaps in a short period of time, children will suppress their true feelings and needs because of this sense of guilt and guilt, and strive to become the way parents expect.
But not every child has the gift and ability to grow up to be the kind of parents expect. When the child fails to meet the expectations and requirements of the parents for a long time, he is manipulated by guilt. They will easily become inferior, sensitive, self-blamed, and have serious psychological attrition.
This negative, repressed emotional and psychological state can affect the way your child thinks. In the future work and interpersonal communication are more passive, passive. They will deeply integrate inferiority and unworthiness of having good things into their way of thinking.
In the face of good things and opportunities, there will always be a "I am not worthy" mentality, so I dare not work hard to make progress and meet challenges.
Children under guilt-based education feel a kind of "conditional love", so they often feel that their parents are conditional on their giving and love, children will want to escape, and the parent-child relationship is getting worse and worse.
Some time ago, the topic "How much does parental guilt education affect children" caused a hot discussion on the Internet.
In the TV series "Little Shed", "I think my mother loves not me, but the me who scored a perfect score..." Yan Ziyou said his inner suffocation and oppression.
The so-called guilt education is that parents can achieve the purpose of making children obedient by showing weakness, complaining, and making children feel guilty.
Long-term observations and studies have shown that the effects of guilt-based education are not lasting, but can have many negative effects on children's mental health and character development.
How to give a child more right love
Psychologist Li Xue once said:
"If we feel like we're giving and sacrificing in a relationship, the essential implication is: I don't love the relationship.
If parents often say to their children, "I've given my whole life for you," the translation is when you're going to give for me.
People do not feel a sense of giving or sacrifice for what they really like to do. Even if parents really love their children and want to make him better, this way of making children feel suffocated is not appropriate. And the child's life should not be wrapped in this kind of pressure and reward.
A person who lives in a sense of giving and sacrificing, he does not love the other party, but his own sense of morality and control.
Guilt education is essentially an emotional blackmail. Parents love their children by sacrificing themselves, this kind of love, the child can not bear, but dare not flee, throughout his life, life suffocated and unhappy.
A good education is not a model of control and control; a healthy parent-child relationship should not be such a "one party pays sacrifices, the other party feels guilty and indebted" relationship.
As parents, we must first understand that children are brought into this world voluntarily, that all the efforts in the parenting process are spontaneous actions of parents, and that children do not ask their parents how they should do.
Therefore, if you want to do a good job as a parent and perform your duties well, then pay for your children with an optimistic and positive attitude, believing that in this open-minded, upward family atmosphere and teaching, children will also become optimistic and upbeat, and their hearts are full of love and energy. If you complain over and over again while paying, such a small family behavior, it is better not to do it, and to do what you can.
Some parents do not have the energy to give their children unconditional love, because their hearts do not store enough love, so they can share part of their energy to love themselves well, admit their imperfections, and their own state is good, in order to give their children better love.