The cold war between husband and wife means that once the husband and wife have contradictions and conflicts, the two sides will be silent and ignore them, "there is something that cannot be said well."
Its essence is to avoid verbal communication. The Cold War sometimes lasted for days, and in some cases as many as days, even months, or years.
It should be said that the Cold War is also a way of communication between husband and wife. Because the silence of the Cold War actually expressed many meanings, such as contempt, anger, displeasure, indifference, coldness, and worst of all, the refusal to solve the problem reasonably.
It is therefore extremely destructive and considered by psychologists to be the most inappropriate way to communicate.
A team of researchers at the University of Washington surveyed 2.5 million couples and found that when a conflict occurs, 93% of couples try to avoid a head-on conflict and have to express their dissatisfaction and anger through the Cold War.
This approach makes it difficult for both parties to communicate and express, and the misunderstanding between the two sides is deeper.
Surveys show that 80 percent of divorced couples have had a long cold war. Psychologists call this "apple-skin harmony," in which the exterior looks shiny and the inside has begun to break.
Researchers pointed out that if the husband and wife are deadlocked for more than 48 hours, the negative emotions of the cold war result of the husband and wife will overwhelm the original love or kindness, and the relationship is very easy to deteriorate.
The Cold War was not just a simple cathartic outlet, in which three main emotions were expressed.
1. Express avoidance. For many people, due to some trauma experienced during childhood, there may be some barriers in attachment and communication.
For example, when some children did not get good care and love from their mothers when they were young, then for him, love is equivalent to being hurt, and the more he feels close to a person, the more he may avoid it.
2. Express punishment. There are some people who like to express punishment with cold violence, they mean: you have upset me, and I am now going to punish you by ignoring you.
The most likely to use cold violence as a form of punishment is for people with narcissistic personality disorder. For this type of person, there is no one else in their world, and it is difficult for them to truly understand and empathize with others.
3. Express rejection. There are also some people who are also particularly bad at explicitly rejecting others for fear of rejection.
As a result, they will choose to express their rejection in some special ways, such as: not replying to messages, not communicating positively, always dodging, etc. In the face of this kind of cold violence of expressing rejection, you can choose to "go away" to respond, or you can choose to "finish your words" to treat, depending on your own needs.
It is generally recommended that the person "finish the conversation" well, because many relationships affect us subconsciously in some negative form because of the lack of formal "conversation". Only when you really complete the "conversation" can you maintain this hard-won relationship.
The best way to improve your marital relationship
Therefore, when there is a problem between husband and wife, do not blindly silence. Of course, emotional agitation and mutual recrimination are not wise. At this point, it's best to calm down for a while, then show that you cherish the feeling and say what you think.
You can also use written, WeChat, text messages, notes and other forms to write out your feelings and opinions, such expressions are more rational, calm, can explain the problem thoroughly, but also give each other time to think, the two sides can get better communication.
01
Take the initiative to break the silence
Although everyone in marriage has their own bottom line, there is really no obvious right or wrong. When there is a problem, if everyone just thinks about the problem from their own point of view, it will only be unhappy.
Therefore, there must be someone who takes the initiative to break the silence.
No matter who is right and who is wrong, take the initiative to understand each other's demands, and then tell each other their own ideas, find out the differences, and finally find a solution acceptable to both parties.
02
Don't get into the habit of using the Cold War to end contradictions
Many people feel that dealing with marital conflicts is very troublesome at the beginning, and when they find that direct cold war can make contradictions disappear in an instant, they will be addicted. But the Cold War consumes each other's feelings, and the problem is always there as long as you don't face her.
This is also why couples who like the Cold War can no longer do bedside quarrels and bedside fights in the end. Every time in the Cold War, there was always one person who made concessions and compromises, and the one who always compromised in marriage would sooner or later leave disappointed.
03
Do more things that make each other happy
Marriage needs to be managed, if you can't add to the marriage, then don't subtract, just maintain the way love begins, so that you can also maintain the marriage relationship plainly.
However, if you want to improve the marital relationship, it is necessary for two people to reach a consensus and then make changes together. For example, do something that makes the other person happy, rather than just caring about your own feelings.
04
Divert attention
If your attention is always focused on the other person, then you will always find a time when the other person ignores you. A lot of marital problems arise because one is too busy and one is too idle.
So, when you focus on how to improve your life or other things, you naturally reduce the friction between each other. Of course, diverting your attention doesn't mean diverting your love from the goal.
You can quarrel, but don't have a cold war
Some people can't let go of themselves, can't let go of their families, even if the marriage really has problems, they always barely maintain it, and the Cold War has not been divorced for several years.
Serious thinking, in fact, the most painful thing is to tangle between letting go and not letting go, if you can save it, take a step back, and work harder, after all, how many fates will take to combine as a husband and wife.
Husband and wife are themselves an emotional community, no matter who wins or loses as a result of the Cold War, your marriage is a loser, there is no winner in the emotional struggle, and the Cold War is also a kind of domestic violence, just spiritual violence. Always hope that the other side will compromise.
In fact, her or your mental state is difficult to support your normal emotional communication, even if you win, I think, there will be no feeling of happiness.
Perhaps, it will also make each other feel haggard. The most terrible side of the Cold War is mutual indifference, and the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, but I believe that you are still the foundation of love, otherwise, it would have collapsed long ago.
"The feelings between husband and wife can quarrel, but they can't have a cold war." If your marriage is also stuck in "nothing to say", that is the beginning of the Cold War, and you need to adjust the status quo in time to change the status quo.
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