There is a kind of accusatory parent who is trying to raise a mentally ill child
When things happen, it is to count down, and everything has to be blamed, and it is easy for children to develop a cringe-inducing, inferiority and sensitive personality.
If you want to raise sunny and happy children, parents must know how to appreciate and transmit happiness, and be unhappy people.
Author | Potato Mom
A counselor once described some families as follows:
The whole family environment is like a "mental hospital", full of accusations, complaints, and contradictions.
It is impossible for such a family to raise a normal child.
In fact, most parents do not love their children, but use the wrong parenting style, hurt their children without knowing it.
Zhao Yuping, the keynote speaker of the Baijia Forum, told a story around him.
A friend who was a mother cried to him: "Teacher Zhao, this day can't be lived!" ”
One day, she was cleaning at home, and when she saw her son come out to pour water, she asked: Have you finished your homework?
The son exploded as soon as he heard it: ask, ask, ask what? Know to ask all day long! Ask me again if I don't write, you leave me alone!
After speaking, he immediately "slammed" the door shut.
The mother felt that her son was too angry, did not know how to be evil, and was sorry for her painstaking efforts.
But when Zhao Yuping found her son, his son was aggrieved and angry.
It turned out that every time his mother asked him if he finished his homework, whether he answered "finished" or "not finished", he would be greeted with a slashing reprimand:
"After writing, I was still in a daze on the sofa, and I didn't hurry up to do exercises and memorize words!"
"If you haven't finished writing, then don't you hurry up and write it?"
"Just this broken learning attitude, every time is a push and a move, my father and I have worked hard to earn money outside, you have this virtue, who are you worthy of?"
This reminds me of the "double bondage" theory once proposed by the British anthropologist Bateson.
It means: no matter what the child does, it is wrong in the eyes of the parents.
Children who do not work will be scolded for being lazy, and if they do not work well, they will be scolded for being stupid;
If you don't speak, you are dumb, and if you speak, you talk back;
No matter what the child does or does not do, parents always have reason to blame the child.
The worst communication mode of a family is to constantly attack the child with language like this.
This kind of attack not only has immediate lethality, but also has lasting and far-reaching damage to the child.
I have a friend around me who has been struggling and miserable.
She has been more introverted since she was a child, and her mother always called her a stuffy gourd and let her go out to socialize more.
But when she went out to make friends, her mother always said that the child had bad grades and that the child was uneducated, and scolded her for "knowing every day to go out and fool around."
Whenever she was with her mother, she was stressed and nervous, because it was not right to sit and not stand right.
As long as she defended herself, her mother would say, "Who am I worried about so much for, it's not all for you..."
After graduating from college, she still wanted to be filial to her mother, so she took her mother to her side.
But her mother always complained in front of her that she did not know Mandarin, did not know a few words, and was not used to living in the city.
She granted her mother's wish and sent her back to her hometown.
As a result, my mother complained to her relatives again, saying that she had raised a "white-eyed wolf", and disliked her for being old and useless...
Mothers often said on the phone that they envied other parents who could be free and dashing and go out with their children every day.
She took advantage of the holiday to take her mother on a trip, but her mother kept a straight face the whole time, either complaining that the tickets were too expensive or blaming her for spending money indiscriminately.
Her mother's endless accusations and picks filled her with frustration and powerlessness, and she didn't know what to do to satisfy her mother.
She always said that she was a worthless waste, and her mood became more and more depressed, and she eventually fell into depression.
How many parents, like my friend's mother, treat blame as communication and blows as love.
Constantly sarcastic, sarcastic, and provocative, turning language into a sharp blade and cutting children with a knife.
The book "Self-Awakening: The Best Native Family for Children" once said:
Parents' harsh and hurtful attitudes and prejudices towards their children will be internalized in the child's sense of self-esteem, thus forming a set of "anti-self" inner voices that allow children to attack themselves.
When a child receives denial and criticism no matter what he does, he will begin to self-depreciate and doubt himself.
Finally, he fell into endless internal friction and constantly tortured himself until he forced himself out of the disease.
Psychologists once conducted an experiment:
When people hear accusatory phrases such as "you're stupid" and "you're so bad," the brain releases a lot of the stress hormone cortisol.
The child's brain development is not perfect, and the self-regulation ability is still very weak, and it is impossible to quickly reduce the secretion of stress hormones.
When stress hormones are always maintained at a high level, and the child does not know how to relieve stress, he will fall into a situation of constant tension and anxiety, and in the long run, he will lose emotional control and mental disorders.
Anthropologist Bateson has also confirmed through a series of studies that parents who are accustomed to blaming are more likely to raise children with mental illness.
Yu Minhong once mentioned a case in the program.
One child scored 638 points in the college entrance examination, which was more than 30 points away from the admission score line of Peking University.
Even if this score is already very good, but the parents are not satisfied, pointing at the child's nose and scolding:
"Look, I usually tell you to be careful, just let you not be careless!
The college entrance examination is just such a time, and the opportunity to enter Peking University was missed by you like this!
Why don't we listen to what we usually say to you? ”
The parents' constant accusations make the child collapse in an instant.
What's even more frightening is that in less than a week, the child turned into schizophrenia under great pressure.
Psychologist Marshall Luxemburg once said:
"Maybe we don't think that our way of talking is violent, but language does often cause pain for ourselves and others."
Accusatory parents are the biggest disaster for children, causing physical and mental damage to children.
So what can we do to avoid becoming an "accusatory parent" and give our children better nourishment?
First of all, learn to appreciate children and give more positive feedback.
There is a little girl who likes to figure out and draw at home.
Once, she casually drew the backs of her classmates in the front row on the draft book, and the drawings were vivid, and everyone said that she was very talented.
But my mother said that if only I could study so hard.
You see, it is not the child who is useless, but the parents only stare at his shortcomings and shortcomings all day long, so the first reaction is to hit and belittle.
In psychology, there is a very famous picture:
If you only look at the black part, you will see the devil, and if you only look at the white part, you will see the angel.
In fact, parents also look at their children, so they may wish to change their perspective and a different way of communication.
Replace negative words such as "stupid", "lazy", and "pig brain" with positive feedback such as "you are good", "you are really good", "you must be great in the future" and so on.
Accept children, appreciate children, affirm children, children can be sunny and confident, and grow up better and better.
Second, be a "not discouraged" parent.
Some time ago, a 22-year-old girl huddled in a rental house with her parents caught fire.
The girl has just graduated and has not yet found a job, her father delivers food and her mother works as a housekeeper.
The conditions at home are quite difficult, and the family of three can only squeeze into a small single room, but the girl's face does not have a trace of embarrassment and inferiority, but the sun is confident and generous.
All because her parents never spoiled her.
Go out to buy milk tea and will not be accused of spending money indiscriminately; Drawing weird makeup will not be educated; Take your parents to eat something delicious, and they will be happy from the bottom of their hearts.
But many parents are diametrically opposite, they can't see their children too happy, but whenever their children have something happy, they can't help but pour some cold water.
The child looked in the mirror and scolded him for being stinky; The child went home with the award and said that he was just a shit luck.
Children not only do not get the help and support they want from their parents, but also have to digest their parents' accusations, and internal friction will be more serious.
Such unhappy parents will only make children self-doubt, low sense of worthiness, and live a twisted and depressed life.
Pouring less cold water and giving children more praise is the best spiritual nourishment.
Third, learn to listen and provide emotional value to children.
Do you have such parents around you?
When children say "it's so hot", they will say "what is hot, you go and see the workers on the construction site, the farmers in the field, you just haven't suffered much!" ”
When children say they are sick, they say, "Who told you to wear so little?" ”
They only care about what they say, but they do not have the patience to listen to the child, nor do they have the ability to empathize with the child's emotions.
Psychologist Li Zhongying pointed out that parents should learn to "empathize listening" the most.
This means to think differently about yourself as a child, not suppressing, not criticizing, not preaching, but focusing on the child's feelings and emotions.
When children share happiness with you, it is not perfunctory and ignorant, but listens carefully;
When your child tells you about pain, instead of denials and accusations, respond positively.
Only in this way will the child feel that he is understood by his parents.
Catching the child's emotions can really provide emotional value to the child.
Zhihu a netizen told such a thing.
Going downstairs for a barbecue, the owner asked his 12-year-old son to help serve the dishes. As a result, the son was not stable, and the dish was knocked over before it was served.
The owner was busy at the time, but instead of getting angry with the child, he taught the child what to do next:
"Xuan Xuan, go and apologize, and go and get two more bottles of beer to the guests, just say that we sent them, let the uncles and aunts wait, I'm really sorry."
The son immediately apologized, paid for the beer, cleaned up the garbage on the floor, and then served the guests again.
The father did not cling to his child's mistakes, but focused on solving problems, after all, teaching children how to deal with things is the most important thing.
In fact, the difference between smart parents and ordinary parents is that they will not blame and then create more contradictions after discovering problems, but take their children to find ways to solve them at the first time.
Such parents are "resilient", they have sufficient tolerance and do not consume their children on small things.
And children can also learn to be optimistic and open-minded in a relaxed family atmosphere, and can calmly deal with accidents.
The book "Seven Habits of a High-Performance Family" says:
"We are used to yelling at our families, accusing instead of understanding, ordering without communicating, not learning to thank or apologize.
We all feel like we've done too much for our family life, but we've missed the most crucial point: effective communication. ”
When you want to educate your child, ask yourself, is it communicating effectively or venting your emotions? Is it giving strength to children, or is it damping them?
The accusations you blurt out not only have no educational effect, but also leave your child with wounds that will never heal.
When things are not counted, usually more tolerant, children's happiness begins with parents quitting accusations.
Give it a thumbs up and encourage parents and friends.