The girl's graduation file collapses after being privately opened by her mother: Don't be a parent with a blurred sense of boundaries

Author: The main creative group met Xiaoyuan

A few days ago, there was a hot search on the Internet that attracted much attention: my daughter was angry and crying because her mother opened the file bag privately.

After many netizens saw the ins and outs of the matter, they sighed.

The mother in the picture initially opened her daughter's file bag privately, and after being yelled at by her daughter, she deliberately took a video and posted it on the Internet, hoping to let netizens "educate" the daughter who did not respect her elders.

But the trend of the situation was not as her mother expected, but it was a voice that condemned her:

"This kind of parent doesn't know how to respect their children."

"This mom has no sense of boundaries."

"Mother's ignorance can lead to children not going to school."

Seeing that public opinion intensified and realized the seriousness of the matter, the mother issued an apology and asked the relevant departments to reseal the file so that her daughter "could go to school."

Afterwards, many parents also began to reflect: Is it love or harm to pry into their children's privacy?

In this regard, the hedgehog effect in psychology points out that distance produces beauty, and if parents and children are too close, it will sting each other.

As scholar Li Xue said: "Only when the boundaries of parents are clear, all parenting problems can be solved." ”

Impermeable love is harmful to children, and just the right love is the best education for them.

The parent-child relationship that "crosses the line" is a kind of "symbiotic strangling"

Psychologist Margaret Mahler mentioned in the "separation-individuation" theory that the growth of life is the process of integration to separation with the mother.

A healthy "symbiotic relationship" only exists before the child is half a year old. After that, the division of parents and children began.

Parents' affairs will also evolve into a kind of "symbiotic stranglehold".

I wonder if you still remember the student Yang Yuanyuan who "took his mother to school"? After graduating from a prestigious school, she should have had a great future, but she died suddenly when she was young.

Some netizens feel unworthy for her, because she has a mother who "never leaves".

Since she was admitted to university, her mother resolutely resigned and retired, and followed her daughter to "enjoy happiness". After that, ignoring the school system, he dragged his luggage into the student dormitory and squeezed into a bed with his daughter.

For four years, Yang Yuanyuan did not have any privacy, and his mother also emphasized that his daughter was dependent on herself.

Love that transcends the boundary, suffocates and makes people powerless to resist.

She was admitted to Peking University at her own expense, but her mother refused to study on the grounds that the tuition was too expensive;

I could have gone to work at Northwestern University, but gave up the opportunity because my mother disliked Northwestern's poverty and remoteness;

Later, he was admitted to the civil service in several places, but was also stopped by his mother for various reasons.

Having several opportunities to choose, but compromising with her mother several times, this is Yang Yuanyuan's helplessness, and it is also the tragedy of her "dependence symbiosis" with her mother.

It was not until she was admitted to the graduate school of the Maritime University that she could not bear the "watch" of her mother again, and she went to a dead end.

Someone said, "She never gave up her struggle, but at dawn she withdrew like a mystery of the present." ”

There is no regret between words, but why is this not a symbiotic relationship between mother and daughter, which makes her lose her independent development life?

Children's problems are also parents' problems.

I used to think that paying attention to my children's every move would be closer to them, so I began to "flip through my school bag" and "read my diary", which is called "caring for children", but it eventually evolved into a "tug of war".

A saying comes to mind: "The love of parents is as deep as the sea, but there is a difference in quality." ”

Qualified parents who can give and know how to let go. If you do not cross the line, you can return the life that children deserve.

The boundaries of parents affect the child's world

There is a joke circulating on the Internet:

"If your mother thinks you're cold, you should wear a sweater; Your mother thinks you're eating less, so you shouldn't leave the table. ”

At first glance, it's quite funny.

But behind this humor, there is hidden parents' "invasion" and strength, which also means that they cannot identify with the independence and separation of children's psychology.

In psychology, this is called "boundary dissolution".

Combined with real life to interpret, you will find that this is a common problem in family education: you can't see the needs of children, and you want them to become the dragon and phoenix among people.

In the long run, parents are moving themselves, but children are in a lonely situation.

I watched a variety show called "Youth Says" before, and I was deeply impressed by a junior high school girl's shouting to her mother in the show.

"My mom is a very organized person."

The opening sentence immediately substitutes the scene of "she may be happy".

But the truth is not quite true, because the "rules and regulations" that the girl then lists are really strict.

Every summer vacation, her study and life rhythm will be accurate to "every hour" by her mother with a table: what time to eat, sleep, complete homework, go to the toilet...

Life is all under the control of my mother.

When the feeling of suffocation that must be strictly enforced hit, the girl tried to ask her mother: "Can you stop planning me so carefully?" I want to have my own time. ”

Being a mother is just using the experience of the elders as a reason to say "this is what a mother should do", so as to press the child.

After the girl heard the reply, she no longer expected her mother, only lost.

It is not difficult to see that most of the parents' "good for you" is based on their own experience and instilled in their children.

In this way, it is difficult for children to have new ideas and concepts, and they can only live in ivory towers according to the rules.

For example, a tampered volunteer book, a proposal to prevent a long trip to work, a marriage that was forcibly interfered with...

These "intimate" loves of parents have become the regret of children.

After all, a generation has a way of living, and children have their own lives.

Parents maintain boundaries so that children can see the bigger world.

The best love is just the right love

Recently, the parenting variety show "Daddy Home 2" was launched, and after watching the education method of full-time father Xiao Jie, I was very inspired.

During a father-son exchange, the son Suosuo proposed to buy a pair of basketball shoes, Xiao Jie did not immediately agree, but adopted a "roundabout tactic":

If you want basketball shoes, you can, but you have to pass the street dance moves before making a decision.

When Suosuo heard his father's conditions, he first sighed, then remembered his beloved, and still began to perform with fighting spirit.

But unfortunately, due to many days of practice, he failed to pass his father's assessment, and could only choose a day to "fight again".

Since then, thinking about the lock of basketball shoes, he practiced dancing in the corridor under surveillance at night, and when he was proficient, he took the initiative to let his father assess.

But after a perfect performance, although he received praise, Dad told him: "If you play basketball well, it means that you are serious to have sneakers." ”

And the assessment process is: father and son compete in a basketball game, and if they win, they will have basketball shoes.

Driven by the motivation of "I want to get", Suosuo responded to this request, and the next day called a few classmates, teamed up with himself, and confronted his father.

I won only one of the three games, and after losing, I was sullen.

But in this game, it can be clearly seen: Xiao Jie did not use all his strength, he wanted the child to win.

When his son was depressed, he communicated at the first time: "A thing, it's not so easy to get." You tried, so the basketball shoes are already in the doorway. ”

After getting the basketball shoes as he wished, Suo Suo also understood from it: what you want to get, you have to rely on your own efforts.

After all, what is too easy to get is also hard to cherish.

Parents, do not strongly reject children, do not respond to their needs, appropriately satisfied, rather than try to satisfy, in order to maintain just the right boundaries.

Just like Xiao Jie, he could have given his sneakers directly to his child, but he chose to set up a level so that the child could understand the truth in the process of hard work. How is this not an education of love?

There are many ways to educate, and parents not only give everything they have to discipline their children strongly, but also teach and interact with them.

Under the premise of not breaking through the parent-child boundary, let children know that parents are not easy and understand the love of parents, this is the most secure education.

Some people say: "Parents who lack a sense of boundaries, the deeper they love, the more hurt their children are." ”

The love of parents is like a flame, too close together, it will burn the child; Too far apart will snub the child.

The best love is to keep the right distance and grow with your children: not controlling, not letting go, and giving them free space.

In this way, parents can know how to let go, and children can learn to be independent.

May parents and children all over the world be "intimate", nourish each other, and become better versions of themselves together.