It is instinctive for children not to be self-disciplined, and it is the ability of parents to "make" him self-discipline

Author: Main creative group · Maki Qingye

The other day, a friend complained to me:

"I accompanied him to write homework while working, I originally thought that I could work and bring a baby, the mother was kind and filial, and the years were quiet.

Unexpectedly, after only two days, the two of us were tired of seeing each other. ”

If you think about it, it is really the ideal learning picture with the baby:

I work and he writes, I cook and he reads, and I spend time with harmony.

Actual screen:

Write homework, do not urge, do not move;

Play with the phone, don't scold, don't turn it off..."

Before studying with the baby, the old mother thought to herself: "Don't get angry, don't scold the baby, respect more, understand more." ”

After ten minutes with the baby: "Forget it, I'll go read "Alive" first." ”

Sometimes I see other people's children on the Internet, without parents urging, I go home every day to take the initiative to write homework, and add a few sets of practice questions after completion, parents usually don't worry about anything, and the child takes the A+ exam every time.

Every time she saw this, the old mother was so envious that she burst into tears: "Such a self-disciplined and conscious child, can you give me a dozen." ”

Indeed, children with strong self-discipline, strong time management ability, strong initiative, do not need too much supervision from their parents, and can manage themselves well.

Children who are not self-disciplined, always need their parents to supervise, parents less nagging, he can immediately "rot" to you.

But in fact, the problems in children are often mirror images of parental education.

Most of the differences in children are also related to the guidance of parents.

"Self-disciplined children are not necessarily excellent, but excellent children must be self-disciplined."

Our children and other people's children may only be separated from "self-discipline".

The biggest illusion of education is that children will be conscious

Someone has listed ten ways on the Internet how to force children to be self-disciplined, but parents in the comment area have left messages:

"The content is good, but it's too hard to get the baby to do it."

"Don't say ten, it's good that my baby can do the first one."

This is really the personal feeling of many parents: it is too difficult to cultivate children's self-discipline!

I saw a very interesting video on the Internet, the son holding the mobile phone to play a game, and the father knocking on the table next to remind the time.

The son was completely addicted to the game, even if the old father next to him reminded that the handle was "smashed and bleeding", the child did not hear the sound around him.

Parents in the comment area complained: "Isn't this my child, the same." ”

Yes, isn't this child's performance the real situation of most children around us: poor self-discipline, low autonomy, as long as the parents are not strict enough, he can keep playing, not to mention active learning, can listen to the parents and put down the mobile phone is good.

"Tsinghua Xueba Jiaozi Jing" wrote: Parents should understand that children lack self-control when they are young, and it is normal not to take the initiative in learning and other hard things, and the initiative is the norm.

As soon as the parents are freed, the children "herd the sheep".

Don't let your children go casually, and don't expect your children to be self-disciplined.

Moreover, the process of cultivating children's self-discipline must overcome not only the inertia of children, but sometimes also the inertia of parents.

Many parents should have had similar experiences:

Every vacation, in the first few days, I made various self-discipline forms for learning with my children, thinking of working hard for a holiday, and surprised everyone when school started, but I insisted on it for less than a week, and everyone tacitly stopped mentioning the form;

Every time I accompany my child to participate in various check-in activities, at the beginning, the circle of friends is hot, but in less than a month, it will die;

After signing up for a semester training course, the actual time to attend the class is less than half, sometimes the child does not want to go, sometimes the old mother does not want to go.

Intermittent effort, continuous abandonment.

Self-discipline itself is anti-human, we as parents can not do it, let alone children?

Most children, naturally like to enjoy comfort, can be self-disciplined, and have always persevered, after all, it is a minority.

Self-discipline is not forced, it is raised

I have a student who writes very poorly in composition.

Because his parents worked outside the home for many years, it was not until the epidemic stopped that he saw his mother for the first time.

When communicating with the child's mother about his learning problems, I gave a lot of suggestions and methods, and comforted her that she did not need to worry, little by little, even if the progress rate is slow, as long as there is progress is a good thing.

Unexpectedly, in less than two months, this child's composition level improved by leaps and bounds, and the speed was so fast that many people were surprised.

Later, at a sharing event, I specifically invited her to share the method.

Standing on the stage, she was particularly cramped:

"Actually, I don't know how to teach children to write, so I think it's right to follow the essay learning. I just set a theme for my child every week, let him read an article on that topic every morning, and then change the topic after reading it for a week.

The child reads more, and he will slowly feel the taste. I just want my child to keep this habit going on right now. ”

Later, I also continued to understand that after his mother went out, every morning, she would still insist on reading essays remotely with her children, rain or shine.

Sure enough, the boy went all the way forward, not only improved his composition level, but also slowly found a similar learning method in other subjects, practiced with the most "stupid" method, and persisted.

By the end of the semester, the overall grade improved a lot.

In psychology, people have "intrinsic motivation" and "extrinsic motivation".

Intrinsic motivation is that we do something because we like it; Extrinsic motivation is that we will do a certain behavior because of an external reason.

Just like this mother, her guidance and accompanying reading are extrinsic motivations, and it is intrinsic motivation for children to get positive feedback after improving their grades, and finally to learn because of love.

When we are young, we are easily driven by extrinsic motivation; And the older you get, the more susceptible you are to intrinsic motivation.

From the outside to the inside, it is actually a process of gradually cultivating habits.

Therefore, cultivating children's self-discipline is actually cultivating children's habits.

Professor Li Meijin once said: "Self-discipline is not forced, but cultivated. ”

When children develop good habits, and then reap good results from these habits, they can deepen their inner motivation, and then form self-drive and automatic self-discipline.

Being a parent has a time limit

A writer once told this story:

When she went to visit a friend, she met her friend's 18-year-old daughter, and saw the girl and her live-in boyfriend each holding a cigarette with tattoos and showing disdain for everyone.

She remembered that 10 years ago, when she first met this girl, she was only 8 years old, and she had already shown her talent for drawing at a young age. At that time, she tried to persuade her friend to raise her children well, but her friend prevaricated her with various reasons and completely ignored her advice.

When she saw this girl again 10 years later and saw her current appearance, the writer couldn't help but sigh in her heart:

"There is a time limit to parenthood, and the parents of girls have never paid attention to their children's education at an age when they can discipline their children. Now that the shelf life of this education has passed, it will be difficult for them to correct their children now. ”

Yes, when children are young, they rely on their parents and trust their parents, this time is the golden period for raising children, and the words of parents can still be listened to.

But when the child grows up, finds that the child has a problem, and then wants to go back to educating the child, I am afraid it will be too late.

Don't wait until your child is fledgling to regret overstocking him in the first place.

"Child Development Psychology" said that in the process of children's growth, in addition to innate genes, the environmental impact of acquired behavior shaping behavior is very important.

These effects are both biological and social. Among them, the social influence, before the child becomes an adult, is more inclined to the parents' behavior of the child from an early age.

At different ages, children's psychological characteristics are different.

It is very important to understand the psychological characteristics of each stage of the child's growth process and to raise the child in a targeted manner.

Regarding these, People's Daily has summarized the different psychological characteristics and parenting methods of children at different stages from the first grade of primary school to the third year of high school, for parents' reference:

If you want to teach children well, you must be a "growing parent"

As children grow up, many parents will find that some of the current confusion can find answers from previous education.

Especially after understanding the psychology of child development, you will understand that children's current problems are hidden in the mistakes of family education in the past.

For example, severe adolescent rebellion is likely to be too strict in elementary school. Or, independence was not respected at an early age and was not given the opportunity to try.

Therefore, parents and friends can combine our questions and purposes to find answers in the form. Moreover, it can also help us to make educational planning based on the age and personality characteristics of our children——

1. From the first to the third grade of primary school, children's self-control is generally not strong. At this stage, parents need to be patient, be good planners, and consciously help their children develop habits.

2. In the fourth and fifth grades, children's initiative begins to increase. At this stage, parents can turn from planners to leaders, inviting children to participate in the rule-making of good habits and cultivating their initiative.

3. Sixth graders begin to enter early adolescence, and their sense of autonomy is stronger. At this stage, parents can change from the role of guide to companion, focus more on children's psychological changes, cultivate their healthy and positive psychological state, and adapt to the pace of learning and changes in life from primary school to junior high school with their children.

4. From the second to third year of high school, the child fully enters adolescence. At this stage, they have a very strong sense of autonomy, and if parents are a little tough in their daily communication with their children at this time, it is easy to arouse their rebellious heart. Therefore, for adolescent children, the role of parents can change from educators to bystanders, giving children advice from the side, more encouragement, more respect, and more affirmation.

Targeted parenting can achieve twice the result with half the effort.

Written at the end:

Each child has uniqueness, and the psychological characteristics and parenting methods of each age mentioned above may not be fully applicable to every child, so parents also need to be patient, understand more, and respect the individual characteristics of their children.

The philosopher Bodman once said:

"Sow an act, you will reap a habit, sow a habit, you will reap a personality, sow a personality, you will reap a destiny."

"There is not a good child who grew up in the free-range of parents."

Every excellent child is inseparable from the parents who support them day and night.

May every child, under the careful nurturing of parents, cultivate good habits, develop excellent qualities of self-discipline, and harvest a bright and brilliant future.