Not all compliments are pleasant, and abusive praise can also "kill" children

 Many parents realize that their children need praise, but they do not realize that abuse of praise may "kill" their children. Psychological research shows that being praised is not necessarily a good thing, and if parents "kill" their children from an early age, they are likely to raise their children to waste. So how to grasp this degree?

This article is reproduced from the public account "Simple Psychology" (ID: janelee1231), a professional psychological public account with temperature, attitude and ethics

Wen 丨 Han Bing Editor 丨 kuma Edition 丨 May

120,000 highly educated young people gathered and called themselves waste. This is a true portrayal of Douban's "985 Waste Introduction Plan" team.

If you dive in this group for a few days, you will find some common qualities in the group:

excellent grades, the aura of a famous school, exaggerated since childhood, typical "other people's children";

But this glory came to an abrupt end after graduation, and those who used to work the hardest even began to rot;

Extremely conflicted inside, arrogance and lack of confidence in the bones fight each other.

These "proud sons of heaven" have been held by their parents since they were children, and have received a lot of attention and praise, but they have not gone to the road of (expected) successful people, and they still suffer greatly in their hearts.

Putting aside the practical factors, today's article wants to talk about it from the psychological aspect, how does "killing" destroy a child?

These compliments are "toxic"

In the eyes of most people, children who receive more attention and praise as children should be more confident, braver, and more motivated to achieve than children who are abused or neglected by their parents. This tacitly assumes that compliments are a good thing.

But in fact, some inappropriate praise has more negative effects on children, which is often called "killing", such as the following:

1. Exaggerated, excessive, and over-actual praise for the child

In Between Parents and Children, when 12-year-old Linda hits the third level of the video game, her father exclaims, "Great! You're a genius."

So Linda lost interest and walked away. She said to herself: "Dad thought I was a great player, but I was just lucky to get to the third level, or it was better to quit when I was ahead".

In the face of excessive praise, children worry about living up to their parents' praise, which can lead to panic and anxiety. Even children who have not experienced anxiety can become afraid to challenge themselves with the risk of disappointing their parents. （Kyla Haimovitz,Carol S. Dweck,2017）

Moreover, children are not so easy to deceive, and they can feel it when praise exceeds their actual ability. For example, when the child writes an obviously crooked word, but you keep praising "the writing is awesome", the child will be confused, and it is more likely to lead to low self-esteem in the long run.

2. Like to evaluate children in directions, such as talent, appearance, and talent, which have nothing to do with acquired efforts

Good praise is praising those things that children can control (such as effort, methods, etc.), while bad praise focuses on uncontrollable things (such as talent, looks, talents, etc.).

Children who are praised for their intelligence feel helpless when they fail, because they feel that failure is due to lack of ability, and ability is something that cannot be changed, and this helplessness makes children more afraid of difficulties in the future. （Claudia M. Mueller and Carol S. Dweck,1998）

3. Like to compare with other children

"Other people's children" is a childhood nightmare for many people, which also shows a form of compliment that adults like: comparison with other children.

But research shows that "social praise" does not motivate younger children, but also has negative effects: children may be more willing to surpass others than improve themselves, they lack the intrinsic motivation to complete tasks, and they lose interest in learning itself. （Elliot ES and Dweck C,1988）

4. There is also a type of praise that is problematic in "insincerity", which has little to do with the child from the perspective of the parent

For example, parents themselves are narcissistic. Narcissistic parents regard their children as an extension of themselves, and their exaggerated praise of their children's "innate traits", such as "good brain", "just different from others", etc., is actually a praise for themselves.

In other words, such praise is "not visible" to the child.

Or sometimes parents are full of anxiety and fear about the world for their own reasons, and in order to alleviate this anxiety, they are willing to praise their children more. When they "believe" that the child is outstanding, it is as if their own predicament has improved.

But this is certainly not true.

So, what will become of children who grow up from these inappropriate praises?

Being praised and growing up is not necessarily a good thing

Children who grow up with murder rely heavily on "external" and "good" evaluations, both of which are uncertain, which leads them to lack a stable sense of self-worth, seemingly narcissistic, but in fact fragile.

After growing up, there are often some very contradictory manifestations in life:

1. The fear of failure outweighs the desire for success

In the face of the same failure, some people feel that they have fallen, while others will feel that the sky is falling - it is these children who are used to being praised, for whom any failure means that narcissism is damaged or broken, and it is an unbearable high risk.

As a result, they tend to be more emotionally fragile, and when they receive negative feedback, they feel disappointed in themselves and are prone to shame, which over time can evolve into anxiety and depression. （Brummelman E, & Sedikides C,2020）

Governed by this fear, they "dodge" possible failures in various ways: procrastination, substance addiction, excuses for physical illness, and so on.

They desperately desire worldly success, but because they are too afraid of failure, they use a set of avoidance values to dissolve, and even let themselves screw everything up, so that they are even more afraid, so they fall into the vicious circle of "unsuccessful".

2. Not knowing what you want, falling into division and confusion

Friend A's college major is philosophy, known as the "sinkhole major" in the Douban group, in order to find a high-paying job to switch to self-taught computers, she worked very hard and successfully found a computer-related job.

But after working for a period of time, he fell into self-division, on the one hand, he endured the torment of work he didn't like, and on the other hand, he watched the students who continued their studies in overseas and domestic famous schools post a circle of friends, and his heart collapsed. Later, the depression recurred and I had to resign naked.

For the first time, she began to reflect on her experience from childhood to adulthood, and in order to maintain the aura of so-called "excellent", she forced herself to pursue a prestigious school degree and a high-paying job. But what she wanted, she never thought about.

Xu Kaiwen, a psychology professor at Peking University, once proposed the concept of "hollow heart disease", and many excellent students lost their goals and motivation after going to university, and fell into a state of depression.

Because they have relied on external evaluation standards since they were young: whether the grades are good or not, whether the income is high or not, whether others will think I am excellent. But what these societies and parents think is good is not what they think is good.

3. Lack of necessary care and tolerance for oneself

If parents show affection and appreciation for their children primarily when they do good deeds, then this conditional love can be harmful.

They may question the conditions of parental love: "My parents will love me only if I succeed, and I am worthless if I fail", which also means that my true self is not worthy of love.

Therefore, it is difficult for them to love themselves when they grow up, lack the necessary care and tolerance for themselves, and when they encounter setbacks, they will blame themselves for their failures, and even often humiliate themselves. They call themselves "waste", which may not be a self-deprecation, but a real feeling - "If I can't achieve the goal of success, am I not a waste?"

This also shows that what children really need may not be praise, but warmth and love.

There have also been studies that have found that building good relationships with children may be more important than giving praise — which means spending more time with children, showing more interest in what they are doing, and communicating to children their value: loving them as always, regardless of their achievements. （Brummelman E, Crocker J & Bushman BJ ,2016)

Take back the power that defines me,

Build an endogenous sense of self-worth

The key to getting rid of the influence of inappropriate praise is to be able to cut off the exogenous self-worth and establish an endogenous sense of self-worth, simply put, to give the power to define oneself.

If you are also that "other people's child", what can you do for yourself when you grow up?

1. Be aware of the delusions behind your fears

Learning to be aware is the first step, and when you stop because of fear, try to see if the thoughts behind the fear are worried about the perfect expectations of you.

When you realize that the perfect expectation comes from the nurturing of your childhood rather than your true self, fear and anxiety can be partially dissolved and a degree of calm can be achieved.

2. Learn the right praise skills and be your own "inner parent"

Although your parents can't compliment you in the right way, you can learn to use the right praise techniques for yourself as you grow up.

More praise for the areas that you can control, and the things you don't mean to people: "The way I do this is very clever." It's not "I'm better than others if I can do this."

Focus more on yourself rather than comparing yourself to others: "I'm better than I was a month ago." Instead of "my salary exceeds my friend's."

The only criterion for not praising achievements and goals: "Getting a good offer" is worth being happy about, and "I put in a lot of effort," "helped a child who dropped out of school," and "it made me feel happy" also needs the same recognition.

3. Try to make decisions and act independently, a process that greatly stabilizes feelings of self-worth

This "independence" means that it is completely out of the true feelings of the heart, without considering the external evaluation.

Even very small decisions, such as wanting to lie idle for a day on the weekend, turning down a parent's invitation during the holidays, etc., can be made with a focus on putting it into practice.

When you can no longer rely on the outside world and truly take responsibility for yourself, your sense of self-worth will slowly increase, and you will have more courage to "be yourself".

I've always felt that for most people, "I deserve to be loved" is much more important than the feeling of "I'm awesome."

Because compliments are a commonly used tool that can make you feel good; But love is a rare inner warmth that keeps you grounded.

Praise is a conditional recognition, but it's also easy to lose. But love is an enduring force, one that does not have to worry about punishment when vulnerability and ugliness are exposed, but can hold one's hand and cross troubled waters together.

May you not lose yourself in praise, and may you also have unconditional love.

Bibliography:

(Swipe up and down)

1.Kyla Haimovitz,Carol S. Dweck, The Origins of Children's Growth and Fixed Mindsets: New Research and a New Proposal, CHILD DEVELOPMENT, 2017

2.Claudia M. Mueller and Carol S. Dweck, Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children's Motivation and Performance, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,1998

3.Elliot ES and Dweck C, Goals: An approach to motivation and achievement. Journal of personality and social psychology , 1988

4.Brummelman E, & Sedikides C ,Raising children with high self-esteem (but not narcissism),Child Development Perspectives,2020

5.Brummelman E, Crocker J & Bushman BJ, The praise paradox: When and why praise backfires in children with low self-esteem,Child Development Perspectives, 2016

6.The New Yorker：How Ruth Bader Ginsburg has moved the Supreme Court.

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