Text | Rice grain mother
Two days ago, the rice grain mother brushed a cold news behind the back:
In Sichuan, a young woman in a hospital gown danced and sang a minor tune while whimpering to see the strange rash.
And the reason why this girl was sick made the rice mother gasp:
It turned out that the child did not look for a job after graduation, and was forced by his parents to take the civil service exam, and did not pass the exam for 5 years.
Under the successive failures and the strong pressure of her family, the girl has had some abnormal reactions since last year, often answering non-questions, and threatening to be the director, from a cheerful and fresh young man to nervous, and finally detected schizophrenia, which is simply the modern version of "Fan Jin Zhongju", sadly, she has not even passed the exam, she is crazy.
To be honest, Mother Mi doesn't think that failing a few exams can drive a person crazy, but the word "forced" in the hot search keyword is particularly eye-catching, I don't know how many sleepless nights after quarrels are hidden behind this, how many parents curse, belittle, suppress, how many relatives and friends white eyes and sneers, and how many times the girl's heartbreak sound. Mi Li's mother wrote the Japanese version of "Wu Xieyu", and she grew up in this oppressive environment.
Obviously, the cause of this tragedy is that parents try to forcefully intervene in their children's lives, and finally drive their children crazy alive.
No wonder some people say that the most ill person in this family is not the child, but her parents.
At the same time, another girl also caused controversy: after 95, Ren Sainan chose a rather "explosive" profession after graduation: a birthday model, her daily job is to try on and show birthday clothes in the live broadcast room, and she has been working for 7 years.
Xiao Ren has suffered a lot of criticism because of this job, and has heard any ugly words, some people say that she looks "yin and heavy", some people say that she will definitely not be able to marry and be too obscure.
However, Xiao Ren herself feels that this job has a special meaning, because she can help thousands of people walk the last journey of life with dignity.
At first, Xiao Ren's mother did not understand her daughter and asked her to resign immediately.
But over time, my mother gradually understood Xiao Ren's insistence on this job, and also supported her more and more, and even when Xiao Ren was criticized and cried, her mother could patiently comfort and enlighten her daughter, and now Xiao Ren's career is becoming more and more prosperous, absolutely inseparable from the understanding and strength given by her mother.
These two cases with diametrically opposed endings can't help but remind Mother Mi of Gibran's famous poem again:
Your children are not your children;
They are children born of life's desire for itself.
They came into the world through you, but not because of you;
They are by your side, but they do not belong to you.
If parents do not know how to withdraw and let go from their children's lives, and forcibly deprive their children of their children's right to choose in the name of love, it will only create more tragedies and misfortunes.
In the variety show "Youth Says", a girl who has just entered the third year of junior high school tells about her troubles: since the third grade of primary school, she has been deeply in love with writing novels, and has written 56 books and more than 300,000 words so far.
However, her math scores were not satisfactory, which became her heart, and her father thought that writing novels delayed her studies, ordered her not to write novels again, and rushed into her daughter's room, frantically tore up novels, and sealed all her extracurricular books with tape.
The girl said desperately:
"Dad, you destroyed my novel like this, and I felt like I had lost my soul during that time. Moreover, you are not unaware that my motto is to have poetry in the belly, and if you destroy the poetry book, you will destroy the gorgeous temperament of my whole body. ”
Moreover, she was also troubled by partial subjects, and tried to explain her helplessness to her father:
"Actually, I also really want to learn it well, but I was born with a liberal arts brain, so it is particularly difficult to understand some knowledge about mathematics, and then writing novels can also help me learn Chinese better."
Finally, she asked her father: Why did you tear up her novel?
It can be seen that although her daughter is full of grievances and sadness, she is already trying her best to suppress her inner sadness and communicate with her father in a relaxed tone, which is really remarkable.
But the father still replied "seriously":
"You have a serious partiality, so you can't get into a good high school, let alone a good university."
"Others can do it, you can do it, I believe in you, you will catch up with this achievement."
What is the rice grain mother really doubted whether this father listened to what the child was saying, it was a chicken and a duck, and the donkey's lips were not right to the horse's mouth.
He didn't realize that what his daughter needed at this time was not preaching, let alone empty and perfunctory encouragement like "I believe you".
What she wants is her father's understanding and recognition of her heart's love, the affirmation and encouragement of her efforts, what she wants, may be a simple sentence "Dad knows that you worked very hard, it doesn't matter if you fail, it's already very good to write novels, Dad will support you no matter what!" ”
To be honest, the father's "I believe in you" will only make the child feel heavier and more suffocating pressure, he is still spinning in his own logic, still trying to reverse his daughter to the track of his expectations, even if the daughter has clearly said that she can't learn mathematics, and has said that not writing a novel is equivalent to losing her soul, but this heart-wrenching outpouring is like a punch on the cold wall, and she can't receive any response she longs for.
So in the end, the girl could only smile awkwardly, forced to hold back the disappointment and turned down.
In many families, parents more or less want to intervene in their children's lives:
The age of eight told you not to play football and play games anymore, you can only study and go to prestigious schools;
The eighteen-year-old told you that universities and majors should be well selected for employment, don't look for favorites;
Twenty-eight tells you that not getting married and not having children at this age is killing your parents.
In the whole process, PUA, emotional blackmail, and I am for your good are the three magic weapons used by parents, and a set of combination punches can be parried.
Even when the family has no goal, they will play the set of crying, making trouble and hanging themselves, such parents will always let the rice mother think of the word giant baby, one by one, they naturally think that the child deserves to revolve around themselves and meet their requirements without a bottom line.
What Mi Li's mother wants to remind everyone more is the control that the junior high school girl encountered
There is no big noise, and even wearing the cloak of encouragement, but it is more hidden and cruel, because it will make the child in turn feel self-blame, guilt, and even self-doubt and self-suppression, until one day, all the chronic diseases and lesions will suddenly erupt at an unexpected moment, but it is too late.
Remember Yang Qian, the young shooter who won the first gold for the country at the Tokyo Olympics?
In fact, Yang Qian was born in a very ordinary family in Jiangshan Town, Ningbo, and her shooting talent was also revealed by accident.
At the village temple fair that year, Xiao Yang Qian played a game of air gun and balloon shooting, one by one, and the prize was soft, and the parents found that the daughter who looked ordinary turned out to be a sharpshooter.
In 2011, Yang Qian's enlightenment coach Yu Lihua took a fancy to her at a glance and wanted to take her to the professional path.
At this time, the parents made a difficulty:
They only hope that their daughters will go to school, work, get married in good manners, and live an ordinary life, and they have never thought of letting their daughters be athletes, not to mention that this road is so hard and tiring, how many people can spell out results?
Yang Qian's parents hesitated, but they did not rush to refuse the coach, but put the pros and cons of the problem and their own worries on the bright side to chat with their daughter, and handed the choice to Yang Qian.
Be an athlete!
11-year-old Yang Qian decided her future in this way, and her parents also firmly stood with her at this time and supported her without hesitation.
In fact, Yang Qian once couldn't stand the ascetic training and wanted to give up shooting, but her parents warned her that she must not give up halfway, since she chose this path, no matter how hard it was, she had to grit her teeth and persevere.
In this way, with the full respect, companionship and encouragement of her parents, Yang Qian won the national runner-up after one year of training, was admitted to Tsinghua High School at the age of 16, was admitted to the School of Economics of Tsinghua University at the age of 18, and won the Olympic championship at the age of 21.
In the interview, the most she said was: thank my parents for educating me and nurturing me.
Imagine, if the parents insisted on not letting Yang Qian learn to shoot, then today, not only will there be one less outstanding daughter in our family, but we will also lose a hero who won glory for the country!
Parents' respect for their children comes from the pattern, and the pattern comes from the mind, and the mind comes from growth and introspection.
In fact, rice grain mother has always felt that parents who like to control their children are lazy to a certain extent.
Because they are unwilling to spend time and energy to study what is wrong with the child, unwilling to change the inherent thinking mode in their minds, just blindly let the child copy the experience of what they think is successful, but never think about which path the child is suitable to take, and their so-called definition of success, whether there is a problem.
Parents with real brains will never rush to interrupt and correct deviations when their children show different opinions with themselves, but will ask themselves the following questions:
Is my conflict with my child because I don't know enough about ta?
Is the child's choice reasonable? Will it cause harm to his physical and mental health?
Is it because of my own limitations that prevent me from communicating with my child? How do I find information and advice?
What are the consequences of following your child's choices? What can I prepare in advance?
After thinking clearly about these issues and making decisions and being responsible for them, Mi Li's mother felt that she could be called a sober, responsible, and intelligent parent, otherwise, she was just an authoritarian and irresponsible old stubborn.
The American writer Musin said:
Parents must first continue to learn and grow with their children, so as to learn to give their children the right to choose and let themselves make decisions.
As a parent, you must not only rely on your own emotions, intuition and inertia to get along with your children, otherwise the more you manage and the stricter you manage, the worse and more uncontrollable the result will be.
As the saying goes, educating today's children in the way of yesterday will make them lose tomorrow.
It is hoped that all parents can first upgrade their cognition and pattern, break their inherent obsessions, give their children more breathing space and freedom, communicate with them as equal people, and give them a life that can be self-controlled.
Personal profile: @米粒妈爱分享 rice grain mother, American returnee, Haidian parent. Focus on learning dry goods, educational experience and further education.