In families with more than two children, parents are less likely to admit which child they prefer, but many parents have a greater preference for one child. Is this a "bad" way of educating?
From the moment her little son was born, Joanna knew she would like the child more. The mother, who lives in Kent, England, said she loved both children, but the younger son "captured" her in a way that the older son did not have.
When Joanna's eldest son was born, he was hurriedly taken away from his mother for 24 hours due to health problems. She believes that she prefers her younger son because she misses this precious period of intimacy with her eldest son, who she is able to spend time with immediately after he is born.
Joanna said: "To sum up our relationship: I talk to my eldest son and have to make an appointment in advance, but I can call my younger son at two in the morning and he will drive miles to pick me up. My youngest son is the best man in the world. He cares about others, is generous, polite and very friendly. He's the kind of guy who's willing to help anyone out of trouble. ”
Although Joanna struggled with her feelings for years, she can now fully accept it. "I could write a book about why I prefer one of these kids," she said. While it's hard, I'm not guilty. ”
Unlike Joanna, most parental preferences are subtle and never mentioned. Having a preferred child may be the biggest taboo for parenthood, but research shows that most parents do have a more preferred child.
There is plenty of evidence that the least popular child of the parents fundamentally shapes the child's character and leads to fierce competition between siblings, so parents worry that their preferences will be discovered by their children. However, research also shows that most children can't tell who their parents' favorite child really is. The real question, then, is how parents manage their preferences for their children.
Parental preference
Jessica Griffin, an associate professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Massachusetts School of Medicine, said: "Not every parent has a favorite child, but many people have it." "The data shows that moms prefer children who share their own values and are more family-oriented than those who are ambitious or enterprising."
Whatever the reason, some studies have shown that many parents almost have children they prefer – whether they admit it or not. In one study, up to 74% of mothers and 70% of fathers in the UK showed a preference for a child.
For most people, however, the topic remains off-limits. In another survey, when parents were surveyed, only 10 percent admitted they had a more preferred child, suggesting that for most parents, the feeling of preference remains a strictly guarded family secret.
When parents acknowledge which child they prefer, studies have shown that birth order plays an important role in which child they prefer. According to the same survey by YouGov, parents who admit to having a more preferred child show a complete preference for the baby in the home, with 62% of parents with two children preferring the youngest child. Among parents with three or more children, 43 percent preferred to favor the youngest child, one-third preferred the middle child, and only 19 percent preferred the oldest child.
Dr. Vijayeti Sinh, a clinical psychologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City, said the preference for the youngest children is often associated with social and emotional skills associated with birth order — and as parents, as more practice is gained in parenting, they will also have better ideas about how to influence the childhood of their offspring and which important attributes should be passed on to their children.
Parents will prefer children who are more like themselves, reminding them of themselves or representing what they see as successful parenting. Over time and with the accumulation of experience, younger children are also more likely to be raised by parents who are more confident and skilled in raising children.
Is it really a "bad" way of educating?
Although parents often have their favorite children, many feel guilty because they know that showing this preference can have a lasting impact on a child's sense of self-worth. This fear is not entirely unfounded.
Sinh said: "Children who grow up in families that feel they are being treated unfairly may have a deep sense of worthlessness." "They may feel unlovable in some way, or they don't have the special traits and traits needed to be loved by others." Feeling like an outlier in the family can lead to fear and insecurity – the child may become self-protective, showing excessive friendliness and easy-going to others. ”
But for most parents, their worries are unnecessary. There is evidence that most children are not affected by not being favored unless the special treatment is very extreme.
"Sometimes parents are obvious when they show love and affection," Sinh said. "But if parents are attentive and considerate and do their best not to let their children feel obviously intimate or partial, then they will not feel that they do not deserve their parents' love and support."
In fact, in most cases, children may have no idea that their parents prefer their siblings. In one study, when surveying those who claimed that their parents had a preference situation, it was surprising that four out of five people claimed that their siblings were more favored than they were — an unlikely statistic. Other studies have shown that children misidentify the child that their parents prefer in more than 60% of cases.
Of course, parents may be doing a better job of masking their preferences than you think. Or, as Griffin says, we're just not good at guessing who the real darlings are.
"While you might think that children instinctively know whether their parents prefer which child and who that child is, the data is surprising," she said. "Children may think that the eldest or 'youngest baby' in the family is the most preferred, or that children with excellent grades at home and less pressure on their parents are the most favored." In reality, however, the causes of parental preferences may be different – such as preference for those who work hardest, or those who are most similar to them. ”
Griffin believes that it is perfectly okay for parents to have a preference, and that parents should not feel guilty if they find themselves closer to one child than another. Although children who consider themselves the least popular tend to have lower self-esteem and higher chances of developing depression, in most cases, children don't know which sibling their parents prefer.
Maybe it doesn't really matter who the more favored child is.
Whether there is favoritism or not, love will not be less
Griffin found that the dilemma of favoring children has arisen in her professional and personal lives: Her three children often joke about who is the "most favored" child.
If parents or children find that preferences are affecting their relationships or mental health, Griffin suggests that they should consult with a pediatrician or mental health provider, but she believes that most imbalances can be addressed by simple strategies that show affection and attention.
Griffin said that while parents may not easily admit that they have a preference, they don't have to worry if they find themselves closer to one child than another. Most parents have their own more preferred children – which is normal.
"For a variety of different reasons, one day we'll prefer to be with a child," she says. "It's important to remember that favoring one child doesn't mean you love the others less."
The best appreciation is to "watch" and share, so that life is more warm