What is going on in the mind of a child who does not speak after being yelled at? (In-depth good article, recommended collection)

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The holiday homework of a group of primary school students in Wuhan, Hubei Province, suddenly became popular on the Internet. This holiday assignment does not require children to do exercises, but rather to complete a "21 days without getting angry" challenge with parents.

The seemingly short 21 days overwhelmed most of the families, with 44 children in the class, only one pair of twins and their parents succeeding in the challenge. According to Mr. Cheng's statistics, more than 80% of parents are angry because of homework, and the proportion of parents who are angry is 25% higher than that of children.

▲Source: Beijing Youth Daily Reporter: Li Tao

A number of parents who participated in the activity also admitted that through the statistics of this activity, they found that the proportion of their own anger in life was significantly higher than that of their children, and the children's emotions were mainly affected by their parents.

1

Adults yell at children, this is a scene that is often seen in life, but if you know what the child is thinking after being yelled at, then you must be able to control yourself before the next outbreak, because the harm caused to the child by the adult's "roar" is beyond imagination.

My girlfriend's child had just started the second grade of elementary school, and she told me that since the child went to school, she felt that her temper was much worse:

The child lay in bed in the morning, urged twice to get up, and then roared; the child did homework slowly, made mistakes, and had poor test scores, and couldn't help but roar.

Because there was no learning pressure before, no matter whether the child was slow or lazy, he didn't care too much, but after going to school, the pressure was great, and he didn't urge it.

But every time I roared, looking at the child's shy, pitiful look was painful, and when I roared more, the child lowered her head and cried and did not speak, and the girlfriend found that the child and her relationship were gradually estranged, and she did not say anything to herself, and the intimate little cotton jacket before was gone.

One day, because of the toy, she yelled at the child again, and the child was very aggrieved and slipped into the arms of the grandmother, crying and saying, "I don't like this mother anymore, you take me away." ”

The child's words stung her like a needle!

The child's growth must have such and such problems, but the impatient self has deeply hurt the child with "roar", and the child is not stupid, not lazy, not naughty, but sometimes has his own ideas of one kind or another, why use "roar" to solve it?

2

Yelling at children, although it is a matter of one or two sentences, will make children feel that they have made a big mistake, will seriously hit the enthusiasm of children, and will hurt the harmonious parent-child relationship. And the more serious problems are not those on the surface, but in the future, lurking in the child's heart.

A friend who does child counseling said to me:

The child's personality and psychological trauma basically come from childhood, but more from the parents, from the discordant parent-child relationship.

Searching for the keyword "verbal violence of parents" on Zhihu, I found that many self-narrators who grew up in their parents' "roaring" education environment either harbored fear and did not know what crazy actions their parents would make next; or they were afraid of their heads and tails, and they could not be interested in anything.

Some self-narrators write:

"I know that my mother's language violence is terrible, but what is even more terrible is that I find that I have subtly learned her language habits, and when I am unconscious, I will also bring emotions into words, and every word is hurting people. I knew that going on like this would only push my loved one farther and farther away, but I couldn't control myself. ”

So I gradually closed the window in my heart, tried to comfort myself when I was sad, wrote a diary, shopped, and rewarded myself with good food. I began to be silent in front of my family, trying to escape to a place outside of home, and remembering that if I was lucky enough to start a family in the future, I had to take care of him and not let the same sadness happen to my own children. ”

"It's normal to look outside, to be grumpy at home, and they can never speak in a gentle tone. Inferiority and sensitivity, others can stab me with every word, moody, very defensive about others, as long as the people who have hurt me, never want to approach me again. ”

Obviously, it is the yelling and scolding of parents that makes the parent-child relationship almost irreparable.

Words are not a light wind, it is powerful, it has temperature.

It can make the child feel the warmth of spring, and it can also put the child in the bone-chilling winter, like a knife hurting the child, and the roar is the knife.

For parents, yelling may only be a matter of 1 minute, but for children, the harm can last a lifetime. Dr. Montessori said that every character defect is caused by some kind of mistreatment experienced in early childhood.

Psychology also believes that any kind of mental illness, tracing back to the source, is a childhood trauma.

Children who have been living under the "roar" education for a long time are like the little penguin in the classic German picture book "The Mother Who Yells When You Are Angry".

It is frightened by the roar of its parents, and its heart is full of fear and insecurity, although it wants to open its mouth to express its voice and needs, but it is worried that no one will listen.

Over time, you can only avoid harm by "not talking".

Those children who do not speak after being yelled at are prone to form these kinds of personalities:

Indecisive and unconfident;

Cowardly, unsinkable;

Withdrawn personality, not good at communicating and handling interpersonal relationships.

More importantly, these children are generally insecure, have an instinctive rejection of family affection, and do not know how to get along with their families in the parent-child relationship.

3

The depth of love, the depth of responsibility. No parent can avoid yelling at the child, if the child "does not cry and scold", we should be vigilant.

What should be done to "rescue" the injured child?

Put down your body and soothe the frightened child

Although we all say that we should be a loving mother and love each other with our children, in parent-child education, if we are not careful, we will be in a plastic mother-child (mother-daughter) relationship.

Once we've yelled out your child, remember to give yourself a few minutes to ease up, and when your mood has calmed down, crouch down, try to hug your child, and tell him:

"Although your mother yelled at you, your mother's love for you did not diminish at all, and next time, your mother will try to control her emotions." 」

Guide your child to express emotions

Emotions are energetic, parents yell at their children, what is passed on to their children is negative energy, and the child is projected by negative energy, feels fear, and resists this energy with "not speaking".

But in fact, many children do not have the ability to digest negative energy, and not speaking for a long time will only let negative energy accumulate in their hearts.

When the injury is formed, parents must remedy it afterwards.

Calmly guide the child to say the true thoughts in his heart, teach the child to learn to express emotions, dispel emotions, and solemnly guarantee to the child that this is just an emotional exchange, not a correction of right and wrong.

Accept the imperfections of yourself and your children

Everyone has a "perfect child" living in their hearts, and we try to educate our children according to this standard, so that he can live and grow up the way he thinks he is. Yelling at children is actually a kind of disapproval of parents towards themselves.

In fact, every child is unique, he can only be himself, not our copy, and it is impossible to grow into what his parents want.

Yin Jianli once said:

In the face of children, the greatest civilization of adults is to stand in the child's point of view, try to understand what he does, and guide his growth in a way that he is willing to accept. You must treat him as a "man" as an equal, not as a "weak man" to conquer.

No matter who it is, it is difficult to deal with other unpleasant things when you are emotionally irritable, and when you are in a bad mood and face your child's "unruliness", parents will inevitably deal with the problem simply and rudely.

But parents should be aware that it is inevitable to encounter unpleasantness in work and life, and it is necessary to find a suitable outlet for this unpleasantness, and do not let innocent children bear your negative emotions. Accept the imperfect self, and accept the imperfection of the child.

There is a word in psychology called the "South Wind Effect":

The north wind and the south wind are more powerful than the power to see who can take off the coat of the pedestrian. The north wind blew out a biting cold wind, and the pedestrians wrapped their coats tightly because they were afraid of the cold; while the south wind blew out a soft breeze, and the pedestrians felt very warm, so they unbuttoned their coats.

The same is true for educating children: please use the gentleness of spring wind and rain to moisten things in silence!

Give him love, give him strength, give him confidence, and you will find that although the south wind is soft and weak, it can turn into soft fingers and let the child dance in the wind!