Today I want to clarify a concept, in fact, most people have a deep misunderstanding of divorce.
You may feel that the feelings are gone, and the two people are separated, but in fact, it has little to do with the depth of your feelings, and it has something to do with a person's separation anxiety level, self-esteem level, and conflict handling habits.
Including a breakup, it is only the end of a relationship, it represents a choice of the other party at the moment, but it cannot negate your former feelings.
So after separation, the man will cut off with you cleanly, and the attitude is particularly decisive, not that he does not love you at all.
He may be a man with low anxiety levels, high levels of self-esteem, or poor conflict handling habits.
Many of our generation have separation anxiety, experienced the wrong way of parenting, reasonable needs are regarded as trouble and burden by parents, have not been unconditionally accepted, encouraged, and when they are young, they are always worried that they will be abandoned, and they can only exchange a little attention for flattery and understanding.
So in adulthood, this anxiety is projected in the relationship with our partners, we will feel that only by hiding the need to wronged ourselves, we can get the love of the other party, compared to the fear that we can't survive alone, sacrificing a little self, is really nothing.
So there are too many people, in the moment of saying a breakup, or the other party blackening themselves, out of panic drive, regardless of the disregard to save.
But you don't ignore it, that moment of pain, uneasiness may be due to separation anxiety brought to you, bitterly saved is not necessarily true love, with you to break clean, not not love, he is just independent enough, decisive enough, not so anxious, he respects your past feelings, together seriously, separate also seriously.
For some people with low self-esteem, it is not because they are reluctant to contact their exs, but because they are not willing to pay their own efforts without getting good results, so they try again and again, that is, they want the other party to affirm themselves, and the more they don't get it, the more they are thinking about it.
There are also some people with low self-esteem, in the face of separation may open a defense protection mechanism, it is difficult to let go, but also do not allow themselves to put down their self-esteem to redeem, and finally may go to the other extreme, that is, to push all the faults to the other half, it seems that they have rationalized the breakup, but in fact, they have long-term resentment in their hearts, and this emotion will be brought into the next relationship.
The real high self-esteem is that his sense of self-identity is high enough, and out of this identity, he can restrain himself to do what he thinks is right, and since he has decided to separate, he believes that this is the best choice.
To outsiders, this is cold and heartless, but in his own view, separation should be like this.
For example, an avoidant person, he usually quarrels with you like to escape, unwilling to face the conflict, then he divorces or breaks up is the same, he is accustomed to using cold violence, refuse any contact to deal with large and small conflicts in life.
Including in the work is also this way of doing things, will not take the initiative to be responsible, for friends, never take the initiative, for him to save is a very courageous thing, including facing you are difficult, he feels that a person is better, will not be willing to contact you.
In fact, this is a very bad habit, but this habit has protected him many times over the years, so it is difficult for him to change this habit for a while.
If you know each other well enough and know what kind of person he is, you will not deny your past feelings because the other party is more desperate.
A person's behavior will always change, but the feeling of this thing, especially the feelings cultivated by married couples, is difficult to fade, maybe you have been divorced for many years, and you can't forget some of the details of being with your ex-husband.
But you are really separated, not because both of you do not love to separate, but because of many factors other than feelings, very complicated, such as too many contradictions between the two people, will not deal with things, incompatible personality characteristics, etc., deal with emotional problems are actually these, solve these problems well, often the feelings will be saved.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C