Source | Cuckoo Mom
Hello everyone, this is Dumb Daddy Parenting.
When chatting with friends, she talked about her two sons and couldn't help but sigh:
"Two children are not born the same. Big sensitive stubbornness, small thick nothing matters. You said that children born to the same pair of parents are also brought up by me, so why are their personalities completely different? ”
If the family has many children, it must have a deep understanding of this: the same "manufacturer", the same "raw materials", and even the "processing technology" are the same, but the dolls raised are not the same.
From personality preferences to dressing and eating, they seem to be trying to tell you what is meant by "different things" and "very different".
Children from the same family have different fates when they grow up. What the hell is going on here?
01.
"Family Constellation"
The famous psychologist Rudolf Drex, in his book "Child Challenge", mentioned a word - family constellation.
The book explains:
Relationships in the family are like a constellation. Each member's position in the "family constellation" will have a unique influence on his behavior and personality.
At the beginning of marriage, it was a simple "constellation". And when the first child appears, this constellation has a new dimension.
Mom and Dad give their children selfless love from one end, and children receive love from their parents from the other end. Between them, a typical "give-receive" relationship is formed.
And when the second child appears, this equilibrium relationship is broken. When a third child appears, the network will adjust again.
What is the secret of the influence of birth order on children?
02.
"Leader" boss
As the first new life in the "family constellation", the boss got the most love from his parents. If the second brother does not appear, he can almost always be a "little baby" like existence.
But it is a pity that every time the "little emperor's" life passes, he is "usurped" by the second elder. He was forced to "kick himself out" from his position, and his parents allowed this to happen!
"Now that the second brother is a baby, what is my position?"
The boss found it necessary to reposition himself. He drew from his parents' words and deeds, as well as his own observations: "I am the oldest child and the most capable child in the current situation." ”
In order to get the love and attention of its parents, the Old Assembly strives to maintain its leading position - everything is first. Because the boss thinks: "I can only meet my parents' expectations if I do my best." ”
The eldest always took on the responsibility of taking care of his younger siblings, and in the process of getting along with his siblings, he unconsciously formed such a character:
Responsible, responsible, leadership, independent, conservative and not adventurous...
Are these abilities very much like the traits that parents show to their children? Therefore, it is really not unreasonable to say that "the eldest sister is like a mother" and "the eldest brother is like a father".
03.
"Sandwich" old two
If you have three children in your family, you may find that the second is not very valued, but the most well-behaved and sensible one.
When he "usurped" the boss's position, he also received love from his parents. But the good times did not last long, and it was not long before he was a baby, and he was "usurped" by the third elder.
At this time, he was faced with a very embarrassing situation: there was neither the excellence of the boss nor the privilege of the third.
Whether it is an age advantage or a psychological advantage, the boss who ranks ahead of him is always so good. Moreover, the areas he can do well seem to be "occupied" by the boss.
And the third elder is more cute and weak than him, and needs the love and care of his parents more. Unconsciously, the second brother seems to have become a small transparent. It can't be reached by the top, and it can't be done by the bottom.
I really responded to that sentence: "The old man hurts, the old little one loves, and the one in the middle kicks." ”
In order to change this situation, the second actively looks for his position in the family zodiac. Slowly, he found: sensible, caring, well-behaved, not to cause trouble, let adults worry...
These qualities will win the praise and likes of parents.
As a result, the second brother knows better than other siblings how to observe words and colors, and will please his parents more and become the way his parents expect. At the same time, the second is also more sensitive and prone to inferiority.
He was full of grievances and felt very unfair. At the same time, he is kind in heart and can sympathize with the weak, because he feels that he is the "weak.".
In interpersonal relationships, the second eldest is usually the more easy-going one, and does not easily offend people.
04.
"Favored" old three
When we think of the smallest one, we usually think of a word – pampering.
As the youngest child in the family, Cuckoo's mother has a deep understanding of the position of "old and young".
Born in a big family, the work that should be done and the responsibilities that should be borne by the family are all taken over by the brothers and sisters above. When the old and young want to do something, in the eyes of the family, it is just "help". And they will subconsciously do a good job for the old and small bags,
Taken care of by his parents at home and taken care of by his brothers and sisters when he goes out, it is easy for the third elder to position himself as "weak".
At the same time, there is no need to worry about the affairs of the family, and it seems that you do not have to pay so much attention to your own affairs. The old man found that he just wanted to be happy.
Therefore, the young and old are generally the most carefree ones in the family, and also the most imaginative and creative ones. He can fantasize wildly or play without scruples.
Young and old often mistakenly think that they have to catch up with all the people in front of them in order to show value. As they grow up, even if they are very good, they continue to prove themselves.
05.
Whose "fate is good"?
Of course, the effect of ranking on personality is not absolute. Because in life, there will be other factors that change.
For example, in multi-fertile families, the proportion of boys and girls, the ranking of boys and girls, and the age of children's intervals. These will invisibly affect the child's judgment of his own position and the formation of his personality.
However, psychology believes that:
"No matter how external factors change, the children of the same family are different, most of them can be explained as how they see themselves and other siblings positioned."
If you were to ask, who has the better "life" in the rankings?
There is no clear data to show that the largest percentage of successful people in all walks of life are in the highest number.
However, from the perspective of the impact of ranking on personality, the eldest is more inclined to be a leader when he grows up, the second is more inclined to be a regulator, and the old and young prefer creative work.
They will occupy different positions according to their personality. These locations, there is no difference between who is good and who is bad. It's just that as parents, we can better care for multiple children according to the order.
Give the boss more encouragement. Tell him that even if you don't make the first, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if you lose. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, after all, he's just a kid.
Give the second brother more care. Tell him that it doesn't matter if he's not as capable as the boss, it doesn't matter if he's not as willful as the old man. He is also a treasure in the palm of his parents' hands, he has his strengths and strengths, and can emit a unique light.
Give the third old man more patience and teaching. Tell him that it doesn't matter if he can't reach his brothers and sisters, he doesn't need to catch up with everyone. In addition, rely on yourself for your own affairs and rely less on others.
In families with many children, it is inevitable that children will compete for the love of their parents.
At this time, parents should not be tired of dealing with the problem of "who is more and who is less". Because our love, not the water in the cup, needs to be evenly divided. The love of parents should be the sea, which can accommodate the uniqueness of each child.
Only in this way will children give up the "competition" between hands and siblings and develop their own personality. Only in this way, no matter how many people are ranked, children will be happy and contented and become a "good life" person.
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