Author: Chestnut
Parents Research Institute (ID: mama_cn) original debut
01
On April 22, 2022, a video of a girl being stripped naked and beaten by her family exploded on the Internet.
Only to see the girl standing naked in the doorway, with many beaten wounds on her body, crying and screaming in tears...
The Internet has provoked an angry condemnation: what the child has done, and you parents have brazenly stripped the child's clothes and beaten it?!
The girl's crying really broke people's hearts... Even across the screen, it will shiver with shudder!
According to the briefing issued by the Police of Pingtan, Fuzhou:
After preliminary investigation, the person who beat the person was the girl's birth mother, Zhou Mou.
At about 18:00 on April 21, due to the child's education problems, Zhou Mou was emotionally out of control and beat him.
The District Women's Federation, civil affairs and other departments have jointly participated in the handling of the incident.
At present, the girl's situation is stable.
Because "children do not obey", parents tame their children by beating, threatening, and seducing, so as to achieve the purpose of "obedience".
This reminds me of a self-proclaimed "bad uncle" on TikTok who became popular by recording threatening videos.
Problems that make parents feel difficult to discipline, such as children's love to buy toys, do not eat, do not sleep, are not polite, and do not write homework, have all become the reasons for this fierce and vicious "bad uncle" to arrest children.
And one thing surprised us even more:
Some parents pay for "bad uncles" to shoot relevant videos to help discipline their children. The video effect of "Bad Uncle" can be described as immediate, when parents play the video to their children, many children are so frightened that they have to obediently "obey".
The method is labor-saving and efficient, and these parents are very satisfied.
We always want to teach our children to be academics, gentlemen and gentlemen, gentlemen and ladies.
Through violence and intimidation, children can create fear and make children submit and obey, which is essentially taming animals, not educating people.
The method is wrong, and no matter how big the momentum is, it is wrong.
02
When the child has a problem: lying, fighting, smoking, etc., do not explore the reasons and feelings behind it, and only correct the problem of the parents, it is tantamount to a rough animal trainer.
Any approach to education that does not look for the root causes and only addresses the superficial is wrong.
Children who are accustomed to being beaten will form different stress reactions, but the long-term lack of love is bound to be a tragedy.
The first kind of child is subdued, becoming a promise-only, obedient, timid and afraid of things.
Actor Chen Qiaoen once confessed in a reality show that he is a sensitive and lonely person.
Because Mother Chen was strict with her and often scolded her, her relationship with her mother since she was a child was not very good.
The shadow of childhood has always been with her, and Chen Qiaoen did not dare to hold her mother's hand even before the age of 20.
Chen Qiaoen's problems in the face of intimate relationships are caused by his mother, and he still can't let go until he becomes an adult.
The second type of child is used to being beaten, grumpy, advocating violence, and believing that fists are the only way to solve problems.
There is a passage in the documentary "Mirror": every child is born with a blank piece of paper, the parents are the people who paint, and the key to what the white paper becomes lies in the parents.
Children learn to counter violence with violence, and this is the seed of danger that forms in their little hearts.
When the outbreak occurs, I believe that parents can't bear it.
In the variety show "Super Nurseryman", there is an 8-year-old boy Chenchen.
Mom said he didn't like to write homework and was becoming increasingly disobedient.
Every time he disobeyed, his mother couldn't help but beat him up.
Slowly, the child learns to do something to his mother.
Once, mother and son caused a big fight over their homework and fought each other.
In the end, my mother had no strength and finally "compromised".
The child said viciously to his mother: "Tell you, I am not comfortable at school, don't mess with me today!" If you don't listen, if you don't listen, try it! ”
The violent education of the mother makes the child resentful and no longer close to the mother.
Children at a young age are beaten by their mothers as "the most familiar strangers".
The third kind of child learns to please and lose himself.
They say "it doesn't matter" on their lips, but inside they hide in the corner and cry.
In the novel "Human Disqualification", there is such a detail:
The protagonist Ye Zang's father, before the business trip, asked the children one by one about the gifts they wanted, and then wrote them down.
When it was Ye Zang's turn, he couldn't answer.
He actually only liked to paint, but he still offered the gift that his father wanted him to propose, the "lion dance".
Since then, he has learned to speculate on the expectations of others, in exchange for care and appreciation at the expense of self-pleasing.
When he realized that everyone liked him to be "funny", he changed from a sensitive and melancholy aristocratic prince to a "clown" of "Lotte", breaking up and burying his true self in exchange for a laugh from others.
Resentful at the same time, compromised at the same time;
Fear while pandering.
The book "Child Psychology" mentions: "When you find that your child has a problem, you have actually missed 10 opportunities to accompany him to correct it. ”
Many parents are accustomed to "educating their children" with threats, scolding, neglect, and control.
The fundamental logic of these ways is: good performance gives you rewards, bad performance gives you discomfort, and you have to perform well if you don't want to be uncomfortable.
This mental cycle, which psychology calls "behaviorism": no matter what your brain thinks, no matter what your emotions, only focus on your behavior, just want to change your behavior.
Children, however, are like an iceberg floating on the surface of the sea.
The knowledge and skills floating on the surface of the sea all rely on the inner ability under the iceberg.
Above the iceberg is the behavior of the children seen by educators, but once the bottom appears hollowed out and cracked, the top will inevitably collapse.
Focusing only on behavior and ignoring the child's inner needs, this crude way of education will only reflect the lack and incompetence of parents themselves.
03
There was a saying before: when you raise children as plants, life is suddenly bright.
Raising a child is like opening a blind box, and the scum may open a child with a bully physique, and the child of the bully "finishes the slag" in minutes.
But it is precisely because children are born with different temperaments, the requirements for education are even higher.
Just like planting plants, you may not be able to harvest everything according to the order of other people's methods.
Each plant has a way of opening that suits it.
Education, like planting plants, requires exploring the right path, rather than blindly following in the footsteps of others.
Parents must wake up to the fact that education has something else to look like than scolding.
A little girl in Meizhou, Guangdong Province, has been crying since she failed to do well in the exam. Grandma asked her what was wrong, after learning the reason, Grandma's comforting words were on the hot search: "It's okay, only 49 points is a full score, you have already scored 50 points and 1 more point!" It's okay, it's all right to work hard, come on! ”
The child gradually stopped crying after listening to the grandmother's comforting words.
The mother said that the child is in the third grade this year, and the grandmother is afraid that her granddaughter will be hit, and usually encourages education.
In Positive Discipline, Rudolf Drex repeatedly emphasizes that children need encouragement, just as plants need water.
Encouragement can bring children the courage to learn and grow, the courage to learn from mistakes, and the courage to social interaction.
Netizens hoarded their grandfathers once shared a story.
The daughter found the packaging foam box very interesting, and she happily broke it open to play.
Before they started, they repeatedly told their daughter that this bubble was very difficult to clean up, and they had to clean up the house when they were playing.
When the daughter agreed, they stopped caring about her.
After about an hour, my daughter came out covered in foam and said, "I don't want to play."
In the process of cleaning up the bubble, the daughter broke down several times and wanted to play lai.
While helping, dad clarified his responsibilities with his children: I understand your feelings, I can share your work, but your responsibility cannot be shirked.
In this way, the family tossed and turned for more than an hour, and finally cleaned up the bubble, and the daughter shouted with excitement: I am the big hero who picks up the bubble!
It has been mentioned in "Positive Discipline" that a very important way to educate children is to let children experience "natural results", which is the basis for children to learn to bear the consequences and be responsible for themselves.
All the skin and temper in the face of difficulties are predictable and understandable.
What is valuable is that in the process of education, parents' gentle and firm attitude and patient guidance have taught children responsibility and resilience to solve problems.
On April 24, when the 11-year-old girl in Xianning was in a rebellious period and refused to study, her single father let her go to the field to dig roots in the hot sun to let her experience the daily labor of her father and grandfather.
After 4 hours of sunbathing, my face was sunburned and peeled, and my father was naturally distressed when he looked at it.
But he firmly believed that if you don't eat the pain of reading, you have to eat the hardships of life.
Education is not taming, but experience.
Only by experiencing the hardships of life can we deeper appreciate the meaning of learning.
Let children identify with common goals, build internal driving forces, and take the initiative to do things consciously, which is the core of education.
04
If you think of your child as a beast, then you will involuntarily pick up the long whip and hold the control firmly in your hand;
If you think of the child as a seed, then what you need to do is give the seed all the necessary conditions to allow it to grow freely.
Planting is to stimulate the vitality of the seed itself by providing sunlight, moisture, soil, air, etc., and the long-term cost is what it should look like.
Parents should also learn to see the power of more different educations: role models, environment, communication, companionship, seeing, closeness to nature, games, stories...
Children are born with different temperaments, which determines that there can be no only one way to education.
Being a good gardener, trying to discover the strengths and strengths of children, and teaching according to their aptitudes is what modern parents should look like.
-END-
Parents Research Institute (ID: mama_cn), research on new knowledge of family education for 1-6 years old, is the mother's educational notes, is the father's baby guide, is the child's growth energy station. Please contact the Parents Institute for reproduction. Author: Chestnut. Some of the supporting images are sourced from the network, and if there is infringement, delete them.
Editing in this issue: Chestnuts