Happiest kids
It is from the heart of a warm home
The author 丨 Miao Dai has a word
Source 丨 Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio (ID:zqfxlgzs)
01
"I am a person without a home"
In parent-child relationships, there is a kind of pain called "my child is not close to me."
"Not kissing" means not quarrelling, anger, but indifference. The joys and sorrows of your child's life do not have the slightest desire to share with you.
In the talk show "Hard to Say, I Want to Hear", there is a pair of such mothers and children.
The son is a fashion publicist who speaks his heartache to the camera. He said he sometimes went crazy drinking with clients in order to sign a contract until he was admitted to the hospital.
The mother was very distressed and sad after listening to it, because the son would rather tell everyone than tell himself.
The son said, "After my grandparents left, I didn't have a home." ”
"Isn't Mom's home home?"
"Not for my perception."
As a parent, when you hear your child say this, you must feel that your heart is broken.
However, if you look at it from the child's point of view, you know how the mother "shaped" the child step by step.
When he was young, he said that his room could not have a door, and his mother must be able to come and go at any time. Everything in the room, Mom had the right to view, including his diary.
Even after work, his mother has a fingerprint lock and monitoring.
Not only that, his mother also implemented "frustration education" for him, learning to skate when he was a child, and his mother clearly remembers that her son fell 13 times and did not help him once.
Mom thinks that a man must be strong, and he must learn to solve problems on his own. The son learned to skate, but he never asked his mother for help again.
He said: I never dared to seek help from my parents, because after I finished speaking, it was still me who was wrong.
Such a parent-child relationship, how can a child be with his parents?
Closeness is an attachment, and the more trustworthy someone is, the easier it is to establish a secure attachment relationship with us.
Intimacy is a desire to share, and we are willing to show our sorrow and joy to another person.
But if our parents have been giving us feelings of rejection, fear, and indifference since childhood, how can we be willing to be close to our parents?
02
All the disappointments are accumulated little by little
Teacher Wu Zhihong once told the story of a visitor.
When he was a little boy, he liked to jump up and down, climb trees and climb over walls. Once he climbed to a tree a few meters high and accidentally fell down.
After his parents saw it, they felt that nothing was wrong, so they threw him alone on the kang.
His family is the kind of family where emotions don't circulate, no one sees his pain, and no one cares about his vulnerability.
After lying alone on the kang for three days, he felt that he was going to die. He rolled over from the kang and climbed into the courtyard to feel the warmth of the sun.
Later, he slowly got better. Running to the rice paddies, looking at the sky and thinking about it for a whole day, he wanted to understand a truth: I can't rely on anyone, only myself can be relied on.
Many people have had such thoughts about their parents when they grow up, that is, they finally realize that their parents are not the people who can be relied on.
This disappointment is not caused by a day, but a little bit of small things accumulates, and then explodes at an inconspicuous node.
When we realize that our parents are not the ones who give us a sense of security and are not the ones to rely on, that means the end of a secure attachment relationship.
When they are young, children need to make sure that they have a good object around them, and in order to give back to this good object, they will also turn themselves into a better person.
They will give this good object better love and output warm selves.
This process is the process by which the child establishes a secure attachment relationship with the parent.
Parents give their children enough responses to let the child's aggression be better released, and the child will better integrate himself.
However, if the parents are not a good object, then the attachment relationship between the child and the parent cannot be established, and it is difficult for them to become a person who knows how to export love.
03
How parents let their children down
At a young age, children are dependent on their parents. Children are also narcissistic, and their narcissism lies in the fact that they feel that everything is self-inflicted.
Parents are good to themselves because they are good. Parents treat them badly because they are bad.
If parents always give their children a negative blow, then the child will feel that he is a failure and incompetent.
In order not to face their own frustrations, children will try to isolate themselves from their parents.
A question read online: What causes children to be reluctant to communicate with their parents during their growth?
A netizen told her story: when she was a child, she did not have pocket money, so she saved up breakfast money for several days and bought a beautiful book.
After buying this book home, she was anxious to share it with her mother, but her mother coldly asked her: Where did you get the money? There is no place to spend money, right?
After a few more times like this, she stopped sharing anything with her mother.
The mother asked her daughter: Other mothers and daughters have nothing to say, why don't you say anything to your mother?
The daughter said a few things about her childhood, but her mother said, "Do you remember such a small thing until now?" Do you have a conscience? I'm so chilled! ”
Parents are always curious as to why their children are reluctant to chat with themselves.
Because parents are no longer the safe people, because they feel ashamed when sharing with their parents, because their own blood will always be poured cold water, and later quarrels will become knives stabbed at themselves.
Some parents are reluctant to communicate with their children in both directions, they only pay attention to whether the child is obedient, only care about whether the child is doing it right, and only hope to teach the child a series of things.
They focus not on the child's emotions, but on what the child does that doesn't meet their standards.
They always think that it is enough to act "for your own good", but they never know how to respect children.
The child certainly knows that if there is a good object outside of himself, it is a gentle flow of emotions. But if they don't have it around, they can only hide themselves.
04
Don't turn your child into the most distant person
The reason why parents have a hard time communicating is not a good partner to share with, not because they don't love their children.
It is because, the child's changes, the child has his own emotions, will cause them anxiety.
They are afraid of their children's independence, afraid that there are more and more out-of-control parts of their children's lives, and afraid that children have too many emotions that they do not know.
They are eager to maintain a relationship with their children, but they use the most wrong way.
So what is the "right way"?
The simple answer is that parents should be a "good object."
In the behavior and feedback of their parents, children feel that they are good enough and worthy of being loved.
They will also turn themselves into a warm person, with their own better love, to give back to this good object.
If when the child is sharing, we feel our own fear and want to destroy the child's joyful eyes, then we must restrain ourselves and turn all the words that are blurted out into affirmation and acceptance of the child.
Any good education is not as good as a good parent-child relationship, and a good attachment relationship has the power to heal.
Don't turn your child's sharing of you into an educational opportunity. It's just a flow of emotions, nothing about right or wrong.
I saw a small poem on the Internet:
I love you
If there is one in front
I used to fall beyond recognition
And you insist on going
I hope the way I love you is not by holding you back
Tell you you can't go
Instead, prepare the shoes for you to wear the most
Prepare umbrellas
Tell you that the second intersection is slippery
There are thieves on the fifth street
Go ahead
Come back home with food
This is the love that parents should give to their children, and the strong heart that they should have.
Be a parent who can catch your child's emotions, not just a "tool parent" who judges right and wrong for your child.
Looking at it, there is a home in the heart from an early age, and a child with a stable object is the happiest child.
Good articles in the past
— END —
Author: Miao Dai Youyan, the article is reproduced from Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, nearly 2000 original parent-child/gender/personal growth psychological articles, psychoanalytic learning, 7 years of companionship, less inner conflict, more spiritual freedom.
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Editor/Liu Xiaotao Review/Astro Boy
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