Light up yourself, illuminate the world, and the education of love is the future
Dada answered happily
Parent Questions:
Children look at their phones without doing homework, or sneak a look at their phones for a while.
I tried to confiscate it directly, and I was in a good mood and could discuss it, but as soon as I met him crying, I had no problem;
I have also tried to make rules with him, but they always fail, what should I do?
Dada Teacher:
Mobile phones are one of the most indispensable tools for modern people, and they are also the frequent occurrence of conflicts between parents and children.
In the future, we will use a series of articles to systematically analyze this problem.
First of all, to sum up, children play mobile phones do not do homework
Commonly used methods:
Method one, get provoked, directly confiscate the mobile phone
Seeing that the child does not do homework to look at the mobile phone, or do a moment to secretly look at the mobile phone for a while, the parents are angry and directly confiscated, this is the first method.
Method two, forced by pressure, helpless to compromise
When your child asks for a mobile phone, he cries twice and hangs himself three times, and even embarrasses you in public, and can only compromise to give him the mobile phone.
On the other hand, I love my children too much, and I can't do anything when a child throws a baby.
Method three, set rules for children, ineffective
The rules and systems formulated together compromise in the slightest "resistance", and even break the rules casually if they slack off.
Today, let's look at --
Method 1: Confiscate the phone directly, which may damage the internal support system. 01What does a mobile phone mean to a child
Rebuilding the support system is key to helping children who are already addicted to mobile phones.
Because for children who are addicted to mobile phones or online games, their support system is basically on mobile phones, why do you say so?
Because for such a child, his online love object is to support his interpersonal relationships; the games or clubs he participates in are his emotional sustenance and channels to relieve stress.
In other words, children do not establish normal social functions in real life.
In reality, he has no willingness to make friends, the method of communication, the ability to learn, the ability to regulate self-emotions, the hobbies and interests that are sufficiently engaged, the sense of concentration on things other than mobile phones, the emotional harbor brought by the family, and so on.
And the missing ones, they will make up for it through mobile phones or online games.
02 Addiction is a psychological problem of behavior
Some of the winter and summer camp activities I did before, because mobile phones would be confiscated uniformly during the activities, which is actually very common for students.
But for some children who have depressive tendencies, or even have been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder, it will be very difficult to adapt.
To give an example of a summer camp event, there is a child who has to listen to music at night to fall asleep.
Without mobile phone music, you will lose sleep, and then a lot of associations will arise. The next day the whole mental state will be very poor, emotionally unstable, and even affect the rest of the team.
For such a child who already has mental health problems, if the parent does not realize that this is a psychological problem, it will be very angry just from the point of his behavior - relying on the mobile phone.
At this time, if the parents directly confiscate the child's mobile phone without communication.
This "direct" feeling will be: "Feel that the sky is falling, and feel that there is no point in living." ”
This is not just a serious sound, but on the one hand, it shows that the parents' emotional attacks are too hasty and difficult to control themselves; on the other hand, it actually shows that we have ignored the child's heart for a long time.
03 Children need more than material things
Some parents may think that I have met the material needs of my children, is it not enough?
But in addition to material, spiritual support is also important, especially when a child enters puberty.
Because he did not develop feelings with his parents when he was a child, in order to fight with his parents, some adolescent children, although they gave him money, they could eat instant noodles for a month and stay at home and surf the Internet.
Because in his view, netizens and games are the meaning of keeping him alive.
Therefore, if parents do not help their children establish a sufficient support system when they are young, it is very dangerous to take away his mobile phone directly.
The brain needs dopamine during adolescence, and if the external social functions are not developed, they are not learning to obtain the "happy satisfaction" that the brain needs through healthy social behavior.
For example, exercising, chatting, participating in club activities, art activities, etc. with friends in reality, you can only use online methods to obtain "happy satisfaction".
For example, playing games, chatting online, chasing videos and chasing novels, similar to addictive behavior.
If the parent suddenly blocks the source of this "happy satisfaction", the child will be particularly upset.
And this person who deprives him of his "source of happiness" (mobile phone) is his imaginary enemy, and it is easier to erupt into fierce conflicts in the face of "enemies".
He will choose many extreme behaviors to express inner anger and insecurity, such as self-harm, depression, school aversion, violent behavior, etc...
Therefore, before these behaviors occur, parents are specifically required to empathize and perceive this emotion of their children.
In particular, parents need to understand what their children's interpersonal relationships, social support, and emotional sustenance are in the family environment.
04The next issue is coming soon
After reading more reports, sometimes I can't help but sigh that today's children are really "too fragile", but for children, the temptations of this world are far more than our generation, and they are actually facing greater challenges.
Therefore, as parents, choosing "lying flat" and "going with the flow" is probably not enough, fortunately, we always have more ways than children.
But you also have to believe that when we realize that change is already happening.
For addictive behaviors such as mobile phones, choosing "direct confiscation" may destroy the child's internal support system, but we should also see that "confiscation" is only the result.
Behind this is the emotions of parents themselves and children, and in the next issue we will interpret it specifically from the perspective of [emotion]. Stay tuned.
【Dada Happiness Answer】It comes from the real case that Dada teacher encountered in consultation or course.
Light up yourself, illuminate the world, and the education of love is the future