Growing up against the | face the "bottomless pit" of children's desires, it is recommended that you do this

Recently, the video of a girl in Changzhou, Jiangsu Province, slapping her mother because she was refused to buy a mobile phone, attracted everyone's attention. Some parents believe that their children's desires are like "bottomless pits" that should not be satisfied; others believe that girls' mothers should not renege on their promises. For the needs of children, parents are more afraid of children's arrogance, less afraid of children's lack of feelings. How should parents grasp the scale? In this issue, we will explore through three case studies.

Infinitely satisfied

Xiao Su Female 7 years old A public primary school in Yuzhong District

Mom said it herself

The child's father is away for many years because of work reasons, but this does not delay him from buying and buying for the child. Every week, I send my parcels home in large packets. Toys, snacks, clothes, whether the child needs it or not, like it or not, he will buy it and send it back when he sees it.

Once, when my daughter went to play with her classmates, her classmates took out a blind box and invited her to open it together. Thus, the daughter opened up a new world of playing with blind boxes. She offered me to buy a blind box, but I refused. Unexpectedly, the next week, Dad sent back two boxes of blind boxes. I have communicated with the child's father many times, the child is too easy to get, will only reduce the child's internal drive, become do not know how to cherish, not self-motivated. But the frequency of my father sending packages did not decrease, so I had to hide the packages first and then slowly give them to the children.

ponder

Why parents will meet all the needs of their children

Controlling parents, in order to let the child become a symbiotic vine attached to themselves, let the child can not be separated from themselves, will meet all the needs of the child; doting parents make up for their inner shortcomings, project their "inner child" onto the real child, give excessive satisfaction; compensatory parents due to work reasons, there is no way to stay by the child's side all the time, in order to make up for this emotional regret, will also meet all the material needs of the child. However, under this bottomless connivance and unconditional satisfaction, the child will become a "white-eyed wolf", a bad worker, an inability to be grateful, extremely selfish, and even a "white-eyed wolf".

Positive solution

Distinguish between needs and desires and reasonably satisfy the child

Parents should distinguish between children's needs and desires, needs are unconditionally satisfied, and desires are conditionally satisfied. For example, children want things that most children around them have, and if their children do not have them, it will affect their self-confidence, self-esteem, and sense of self-worth. Parents can set their own evaluation standards according to their own environment, family conditions, and surrounding environment. If the child wants "luxury goods", parents should not suppress the child's desire, but regard the desire as the driving force of effort, set a savings plan for the child, and guide the child to reasonably liberate from desire. In fact, when children get the understanding and attention of parents, and their emotional needs are basically met, they will measure in their hearts and make efforts. In this process, the child may also let go of the "obsession" in his heart.

Delay satisfaction type

Xiao Xin Male 6 years old A public primary school in South Bank District

Mom said it herself

As the saying goes, "You can't eat hot tofu in a hurry." In order to cultivate children's self-control, I often do some games with children to delay gratification to help children resist temptation and control their desires.

The kid wants ultraman's full star card, and I ask him to redeem it for good behavior points; he wants to buy a laser gun, and I also ask him to clean the balcony. Through the small details of life, he trained his ability to delay gratification.

But I did not expect that the child would soon appear "anti-phagocytosis" phenomenon, asking for inches and feet, and buying things was insatiable. As soon as he got the red envelope on his birthday, he bought back everything he hadn't bought before.

ponder

Delayed gratification to cultivate children's self-control

Delayed gratification refers to a decision-making orientation that is willing to give up immediate gratification for more valuable long-term outcomes, as well as self-control demonstrated during a waiting period. Many parents have misinterpreted the true meaning of "delayed gratification", believing that deliberate training requires children to learn to wait to exercise patience and perseverance, but ignores that children are the main body of behavior, forcing children to bear the pressure of waiting, and directly turning self-control behavior into other control. This kind of "conditional satisfaction" not only destroys the child's trust in the parents, is not conducive to the cultivation of self-control, but also stifles the child's inner needs and brings a deeper sense of lack to his heart.

Positive solution

Respond in a timely manner and give the child emotional satisfaction

Needs are the extension of the self, and how needs are treated will directly affect the formation of children's personality. Parents should respond to their children's internal needs in a timely manner and give their children a full sense of emotional satisfaction. When the child eats "full", there will be no "hunger" state, and after his heart is full of security and abundance, he can make a more rational choice. To meet the needs of children, parents should not deliberately delay, and if they can meet today, they will not delay to tomorrow; when they cannot meet the needs of their children, they also need to tell the truth. Only based on love, supported by trust, satisfaction and respect, can children truly harvest the energy of growth in waiting.

Reasonable guided type

Xiao Ke Female 13 years old A public middle school in Yubei District

The teacher said it himself

Xiaoke has always been eager to have her own mobile phone, and her parents promised to buy it for her when she ranked first in the final exam class. Unexpectedly, after she got the mobile phone, she was addicted to brushing short videos, constantly lengthening the time to play mobile phones, and even secretly playing mobile phones in the middle of the night.

She lacked energy during the day, could not keep up with the progress of learning, and gradually developed anxiety. After learning about the situation, I first turned to the school's psychological teacher to use professional methods to make psychological adjustments to Xiaoke; then asked the subject teacher to give her guidance and help, so as to take the lead and make up for the learning content of other disciplines.

Secondly, pay close attention to her psychological fluctuations and emotions with parents, develop a good tracking table, and praise her progress and achievements. In the class, I create a warm, harmonious and positive class atmosphere, design a series of games, let the children in the game to eliminate bad emotions and get rid of bad psychological states; carry out sports and artistic class activities, regulate students' psychology and emotions; carry out the theme class meeting of Li Hongzhi, guide students to set goals, rekindle fighting spirit, and pursue the realization of self-worth. With the joint efforts of everyone, Xiaoke gradually quit the addiction of brushing short videos and found her excellent self.

ponder

Why children are addicted to "low-level happiness"

Low-level happiness is also dopamine happiness, but it is actually just pleasure. Like short videos, games, idol dramas, investing time can easily get pleasure, and it is easy to indulge in it, but in the end, there is no way to get any entertainment, that is, low-level happiness. Teenagers are in the process of growth and development, self-control, self-discipline, and judgment are immature, and it is easier to indulge in them. According to the "Survey Report on Internet Use and Network Security among Chinese Teenagers", 20% of teenagers "almost always" watch short videos, and nearly 10% of teenagers "watch it several times a day". Teenagers who are addicted to low-level happiness will show a state of great decline in grades, on the one hand, they are encroached upon by low-level happiness for a large amount of time, on the other hand, low-level happiness makes children's logical thinking change, and it is easy to be taken by the network with rhythm, and it becomes a vassal with no thinking ability.

Positive solution

Cultivate children's "high happiness" from an early age

Parents should not use material enjoyment to support the bottomless pit of children's desires, but cultivate children's higher happiness from an early age, guide him to realize self-worth, and thus obtain long-term and continuous spiritual satisfaction. Parents can discuss with their children what is more important than material, guide children to explore their own spiritual world; accompany their children to read, learn, travel, let him gain knowledge growth through learning, improve his ability through hard work, obtain spiritual nourishment through art, obtain soul resonance through reading, and realize his own life value through creation. The spiritual satisfaction and happiness that the child obtains from this are the lasting and long-lasting, which is the "high happiness".

This article is excerpted from The New Parents Daily, Issue 967-968

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