In order to increase the readability of the account, study notes are released on Saturdays, Sundays, and holidays. (The content of the notes comes from: books, official accounts, Zhihu, Weibo, paid communities, does not represent personal views)
1, affirm yourself, doubt yourself
One must not only learn to affirm oneself, but also to reasonably doubt oneself.
Emotions are the organizers of experiences, and people's experiences of themselves and the world are condensed under different emotional cores.
For example, when a person feels low and vulnerable, the experience of self-worth will also decrease, and they will feel incompetent and feel that they are not liked.
Many small defects are magnified in one's own perception, and it is easy to perceive the non-tuned posture of others as hostility.
And when a person is full of vitality, the self-evaluation will be reversed, and positive expectations will be more likely to be made in the relationship, and the feeling of the world will be different.
That is to say, when a person evaluates himself, has a premonition of how others evaluate himself, feels what kind of world he is in, what kind of future he has, and so on, he will fluctuate with his own state of mind experience, and believe that that experience reflects the objective truth.
The truth is that we don't think we're as good as we think when we're proud of ourselves, and we're not as bad as we think when we're self-loathing.
But you can grow in this range without limit.
2. Parents who dislike their children cannot have the right way of parenting
There is a saying: the child's fault is the parent's fault.
Children do not have good hygiene habits, it is certain that parents have not been trained well since childhood;
The child is not polite, and it is basically certain that the parents do not pay attention to this aspect of guidance;
Children are timid and afraid of things, either inheriting the cowardly disposition of their parents or because their parents discipline is too strict.
However, many parents will only blame their children for not understanding things, blame children for losing face to themselves, and blame children for causing trouble for themselves, but do not reflect on what mistakes they have made in their guidance and education of their children.
Parents who only dislike their children cannot have the right way of parenting, and only when they find that their children have problems are they parents who first review themselves are parents who truly understand love and are truly responsible.
——Excerpt from "What Kind of Love Is Appropriate - Be a Parent Who Doesn't Go Too Far"
3. Do not confuse respect for children with self-depreciation
Now many parents like to be with their children no big or small, and feel that such a family atmosphere is conducive to the development of their children's personality, and children will not be afraid of authority in the future;
If the child is too strict and emphasizes the dignity of the parents, the child may form a servile and inferiority complex.
Sounds like a lot of sense.
However, looking around, there are many parents who are not big or small with their children, but most of the children have not become people who are not afraid of authority and equal reasoning as their parents wish.
However, many children often have a harsh attitude when talking to their parents, and they are not allowed to say half a "no" word.
Not to mention the authority and dignity of parents, these children do not even have basic respect for their parents.
Parents who think that they and their children are not big or small can help their children understand equality and reason, respect others and are not afraid of authority, but at this time, they may be at a loss.
These moms and dads may confuse respect for their children with self-depreciation.
No big, no small, it looks very happy, in fact, it is likely to be nonsense, it is likely to cause confusion in the child's concept and deviation in behavior.
——Excerpt from "What Kind of Love Is Appropriate - Be a Parent Who Doesn't Go Too Far"
4. Clumsy expression of love
Many people with depression have a "black and white" concept.
That is, only a choice can be made between black and white, and there is no intermediate color of gray.
This is a very extreme idea.
In the eyes of the father, there are only children who study well and children who study poorly, and there is no other intermediate option.
From the father's point of view, he just wants his child to go to a good university, find a good job, and do all this for the good of his child.
I can now understand my father's thoughts.
However, this expression of "angry, big fight" fatherly love is somewhat clumsy.
Maybe the father didn't have any ill will, but just transferred the way his parents loved him to his son unchanged.
However, I was just a schoolboy at the time and couldn't understand this.
Parents have absolute authority over their children.
This fatherly way of loving is too painful for me.
I was simply frightened, and sometimes even hated to the point of wondering if the person in front of me was my biological father.
When I was a kid, I really didn't have any self-confidence or self-affirmation.
Just being alive is enough to suffer, and I am often bullied by my classmates.
But even though I was bullied at school, I didn't dare to reveal a single thing to my friends and teachers.
The only thing that could accept me was the cage-like home, so it was useless to say more outside, I could only stubbornly remain silent.
——Excerpt from "The Power of Self-Affirmation"
5. Passive personality
Passive character, by its very nature, is completely devoid of confidence in the will of the individual or in "I want to" it.
Character determines fate, and passive people basically equal to no ability.