Author:Ishizawa (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
Evolution Mom: It is important for parents to learn to let their children know that you love them.
"The car is also second-hand, the clothes are also second-hand, and the shoes are also second-hand."
In a video, Erbao cried and complained to his mother, saying that he used his sister's "second-hand goods", and asked with grievances: "Can't I buy a new school bag?" ”
Mom was busy responding, "Yes, yes." ”
After getting an affirmative answer from his mother, Erbao's mood calmed down slightly.
But the sister who sat behind came to say that "mother's stomach is also second-hand", which caused Erbao to completely collapse and cry.
The video seems to be a child wanting new clothes, new shoes, a new school bag, but is her howling and crying really just because things are "second-hand"?
There is a comment at the bottom that makes people think deeply: "Second-hand is just a reason, an appearance, a desire for more love and attention from parents, and the insecurity in the heart is real." ”
From a psychological point of view, security is to be respected in interpersonal relationships and not to be hurt at will.
Parents are the most natural connection a child has with the world, and the first sense of security they gain comes from their parents.
There is a simple and straightforward explanation for security, that is, "I am afraid of the dark, and you are the light"
Parents are the first window for children to establish a sense of security, but some parents are most afraid that some parents forget to open the window.
The light cannot penetrate, and the child is still faced with dark fear; love cannot come in, the child's sense of security cannot be relied upon, and the problem follows.
Children will feel that their parents do not love themselves, worry that they will be abandoned, worry that others will not like them, and even grow up to be sensitive and suspicious, and have a low sense of self-identity.
Therefore, letting children truly know that parents love them is the key to children's sense of security. Telling your child "I love you" is really important.
You think your child understands, but they don't
If someone asks you, "Do you love your children?" The answer is yes.
But if someone asks you, "Does your child know you love him?" "The answer is not necessarily so conclusive.
Many parents believe that if there are parents who do not love their children, you should also understand:
Give children the best to eat, wear the best, brave the wind and rain to pick up and drop off children to and from school, the newspaper's cram school, interest class, what kind of lack of children?
I'm so busy all in order to make you have a better life:
I get up early and greedy, so busy that I don't even have time to eat, I can't get out of work, and I can't make a date with my children, and when I earn money, I have time to accompany my children to the amusement park.
But parents often show that:
It's annoying to be that all day long and that's not what that's asking for.
Eating and picking, why don't you understand it?
Isn't there no time for your competition, as for being so pretentious?
I already knew that you were so disobedient, and it was better to be raw than to be raw!
I am not hungry and thirsty, but perfunctory and refuse to make the child feel: Mom (Dad) doesn't care about me, who will care about me?
In the TV series "Take the 88 Bus Home", Huang Duo's emotions erupted because of neglect, and she questioned her uncle:
You promised me to go to my parent-teacher conference, you didn't go, no one looked at me in the double hundred, even if I had a squadron leader, you are not rare, do you have one person to take care of me?
The uncle angrily asked Huang Duo, "You are a sister, so you set an example for your younger brothers and sisters?" ”
Her father died, her mother disappeared, and for Huang Duo, the uncle who raised her was the closest person.
But the uncle's neglect and incomprehension completely crushed Huang Duo's psychological defense line, feeling that everyone did not like her anymore, and even ran away from home to jump into the river.
Perhaps in the eyes of parents, children sometimes lose their temper is a fuss, is a disease-free moan. As everyone knows, the child cannot see the scars on the surface, but the heart is already full of scars.
Love me why don't you listen to me seriously, why don't you care about my happiness, my sadness, why don't you understand what I want?
This "vague" love becomes uncertain in the child's heart: Do parents really love me?
Use the right method to let your child know that you really love him
Adult love is often too deep, so that children do not understand that you love him, and even think that you hate him, and uneasiness will follow.
So it's important to learn to let your child know that you love him.
1. Detect the child's sensitivity
Girlfriend Lynn said that her 5-year-old daughter pays special attention to her expression before doing things and talking.
When she made a mistake, she would say before her mother could speak, "I'm sorry Mom, I was wrong." ”
Ke Minglin is a very gentle person, and she does not understand why the child is so sensitive.
Later, through a counselor, she found the crux of the problem. Because of Lynn's work, the child spent nearly a year at her grandmother's house.
The long-term separation has caused great uneasiness and anxiety in children, and they are always afraid that their mothers will not want themselves, so they use this cautious way to please their mothers.
Sukhomlinsky once said: "We must carefully protect the hearts of children like dew on a lotus leaf." ”
The child's mind is simple and sensitive. They use the most immediate feelings they can see, hear, and perceive to judge whether their parents love them.
After that, Lynn will take more time to spend with the child, constantly telling her "Mommy loves you", and will also make an appointment with the child when she is on a business trip when she will come back.
Slowly, the child's condition began to improve.
2. Encourage children to express their thoughts
The Social Survey Center of China Youth Daily once conducted a survey of 2002 young people aged 18 to 35 in conjunction with the questionnaire network.
The results showed that 84.9% of the young people surveyed admitted that their parents imposed their ideas on themselves in the process of growing up.
Parents always use the past experience of "I have eaten more salt than you eat rice" to teach their children.
This often turns into condescending command, overprotective, uncontrollably reprimanding and punishing, and even leaving a lifetime of shadows on the child.
Children, like adults, have independent personalities and needs to be respected and want to express.
Therefore, when the child is happy, ask the child to share his joy; when the child is sad, angry or uneasy, learn to listen, and then accompany the child to digest these bad emotions.
Similarly, children have their own independent thinking and will make judgments about someone or something in their own way.
So, even if your child's understanding is wrong, respect your child's attempts and then work with them to find the problem.
3. Provide quality accompaniment
The animated short film "My Dad is a Low-Headed Family" vividly reflects the relationship between many parents and children in modern times:
The daughter took the doll and wanted to play with her father, but he did not lift his eyelids, but just touched the child's head with his hand and left;
The daughter took the A+ report card and wanted to get praise from her father, but he turned a blind eye;
The daughter drew a beautiful picture to share with her father, but he still only paid attention to the mobile phone in his hand.
Each time the child changed from full of joy to disappointment and sadness on his face, and then walked away silently.
By the time Dad remembered to see his daughter, she had grown up. With this bowed head, the father missed the precious growth process of the child.
People are absent-minded, so the quality of "false companionship" not only can not respond to the child's emotional needs, but also let the child feel the care and love, and then lead to a lack of security.
Therefore, please put patience and care on the company of your child.
Only by participating in what the child is doing, observing with the child, communicating and interacting with the child, and paying attention to the changes and needs of the child can the child truly feel the love of the parents.
Loving ta is actually very simple
Not long ago, I saw a daily life life shared by Sun Li and my son on Weibo.
During the day, he waited and told Sun Li that he didn't want to be an older brother, but wanted to be a younger brother or sister.
That night, after her sister fell asleep, Sun Li discussed this topic with the waiting.
Wait and tell Sun Li that sometimes he feels a lot of pressure to be a brother:
Everyone thinks he's big, so he makes his sister rightful, he does good things and won't be praised, but the little bit of his sister does adults will send out countless compliments.
Wait, think it's very unfair.
After confirming that it was not his own and Deng Chao's problem that caused this situation, Sun Li told him that he understood his feelings very well, and it was wrong to ask the child to bear such pressure.
She also told wait for such grievances to be said to her mother in the future, and also let wait to understand not to care too much about the evaluation of others, to believe in yourself, you can express your true thoughts.
This effective conversation succeeded in making the wait feel better.
Just imagine, if Sun Li ignores the child's "fairy tale", or thinks that he is making a big fuss, the child's grievances will only be greater, and even feel that the mother acquiesced to this unfairness.
Psychologist David Elkind once said: "The most important thing children need to know is that they are important to their parents and will always be surrounded by love." ”
Loving children is actually very simple, but we often make a detour.
Love your child, become his friend, listen to his ideas, and let him know:
I love trying a lot of things with you; I care what you think and would like to hear you talk more; I'm proud of you, you're the best.
Whenever you need help, Mom and Dad are there.
Author's Profile: Ishizawa, Columnist of Fushu, Article: Parents Evolution, The Copyright of this Article Belongs to Fushu, Unauthorized, May Not Be Reprinted, Infringement Must Be Investigated, Fushu 2018 Launches New Book "Good Life"