13 years old, excellent grades, love to learn, but also well-behaved and sensible, every day after school will not run crazy with their friends, but on time to go home with their mother to clean up, take care of the ancestral hall.
Such a child may be the definition of "good child" in the minds of thousands of parents.
But in the seemingly day-to-day repetition, the child quietly changes.
She has three little sisters at school who chase stars and like the same idol boy group; there is a handsome boy in the convenience store near the school, which awakens their ignorant adolescent buds.
For the mother who strictly disciplines her daughter, the bully daughter actually likes a group of boys who can only sing and dance, and she is actually seduced by the bad boys in the convenience store, and she is like a great enemy.
When the well-behaved girl begins to grow up, she longs for freedom and independence; when the powerful mother realizes that her power is shrinking, her daughter is no longer under her control...
A power struggle between mother and daughter will begin.
In the cartoon "The Metamorphosis of Youth", Xiaomei and her mother were originally intimate, and her mother took care of everything that Xiaomei lived and studied, and Xiaomei also obeyed all the arrangements.
But she didn't know when it started, she didn't know what Xiaomei was thinking, she couldn't understand what she liked.
Breaking free also broke free, which stimulated the deep fear and longing of the mother and daughter.
Psychologists say that all love in the world is for the sake of being closer to each other, but the parent-child relationship is directed to separation.
The best love for children is to help children become independent.
In the setting of the story, Xiaomei's family has inherited a "transformation" ability for generations, and when the girl is about to become an adult, once her emotions are out of control, she will transform into a huge red panda.
Once, her mother opened Xiaomei's notebook and found that she had drawn a picture of a little boy in a convenience store and two people in close contact.
The mother, like a great enemy, snatched the notebook, tore off the page, and the next day immediately found the boy and warned her not to have contact with her daughter.
When the students saw this scene, Xiaomei became the object of ridicule of the whole school.
After a series of operations that she thought she was protecting, the mother said to her daughter with peace of mind: "Fortunately, I am here, and the villain will not harass you anymore." ”
Strong shame, nervousness, and anxiety have stimulated Xiaomei's inherited ability to "transform", and whenever her emotions erupt, she will become a red panda; and when she breathes deeply and calms her emotions, she will become a normal person.
Originally thought that she was a monster, but after her mother knew it, she told her that this was the fate of all the women in the family, and she had once been like her, they also had a chance to drive this red panda away, as long as they restrained their emotions and did not release it casually, they could return to normal life.
With the help of the red panda, she saw her mother's childhood life.
Seeing my young mother crying, "I'm tired of the pursuit of perfection!" I was never good enough in my mom's eyes, and I was for anyone. ”
Just like Xiaomei now, try to be perfect and make everyone proud of her.
This red panda represents not only the emotions of mother and Xiaomei, but also their self-awareness.
They need to cover themselves up in order to be the original good girls.
So is the mother, so is the mother's mother...
Xiaomei found that she did not want to be like her mother, seal herself, be a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother, she hopes to keep the stubborn self in her heart and accept the true self.
Gibran has a classic poem: None of your children are your children, they are the children that life desires for itself. They come through you, but they do not come from you; though they are with you, they do not belong to you.
Although living in the era of developed information, many parents pay more attention to parent-child relationship than the previous generation, and understand the value of love and respect, for most parents, children are still their own private property.
They have to listen to themselves in everything, as if their parents are naturally the right party.
They can't distinguish between care and guidance, leading to excessive control; they pin their hopes for the future on their children and are overly anxious.
"The Awakening of Parents" says that raising children is complex, requiring parents to read their emotions and spirit, understand the relationship between themselves and their children, learn to transform, establish a spiritual partnership with children, and let children enjoy their rights to themselves.
Shafari Sabari | Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences Press
The author, Shafari Sabari, is a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Columbia University and she has a daughter.
One morning, her daughter woke her up from her dream with great interest, "The fairy gave you a surprise gift," she whispered, "and see what the fairy has given you!" ”
Shafali reached out and felt half a dollar bill from under the pillow, which had been torn in half from the middle.
The daughter said, "The fairy gave you half a dollar, and half of it was under Daddy's pillow." ”
At this moment, Shafali was completely drowsy, and for a moment, her mind was filled with various thoughts: "Money does not grow on trees, my daughter must correctly understand the value of money; should I take this opportunity to teach her not to waste money, to tell her that the banknote torn in half cannot be used?" ”
But when these words came out, she could imagine her daughter's reaction: knowing that she had done something wrong, she became more timid and cautious.
She decided to put these questions aside, not to rush to give her a "lesson," but to tell her that she was proud of her for giving her so generously what little money she had; and to thank the fairy, for being noble, and for the flattening of a bowl of water, and dividing the money equally between the two men.
Shafari said: On the morning that the "fairy" visited my bedroom, my daughter did not think about the value of money, nor did she consider whether it was too early to wake me up in such a hurry.
All she showed was real, beautiful, and autonomous creativity, and she was happy to see her parents happy because of the unexpected visit of the "fairy".
The traditional parenting path is linear and hierarchical, with parents in command.
This method of parenting makes some people rigid and self-contained, and they continue to extend this pattern to children.
Children are too weak and they are always ready to accept the influence of their parents.
In fact, not only adults can educate children, the emergence of children is also driving the growth of adults, and the loop-like interaction is the true appearance of parent-child relationship.
Shafali wrote in the book: "If we were appointed to lead a billionaire enterprise, we would definitely make a careful strategic plan." What are the goals and how to achieve them... You have to know it all.
In order to achieve this goal, we need to be familiar with the company's employees and know how to maximize their potential.
But when it comes to becoming a parent and raising a child, how many people have asked themselves, "What is my mission as a father and a mother, and what is my parenting philosophy?" Am I thinking thoughtfully about my children and thinking about parenting strategies like running a business? ”
When everyone first becomes a father and mother, they are full of hopes for the future and want to teach their children what they think is the "best".
However, in the process of hard work, parents often forget one thing: the first thing they should try to do is to let their children enjoy their rights to themselves and let them live under the trajectory of their own destiny.
As parents, don't expect to be perfect parents, learn to look at yourself with a sober awareness, treat your children with respect, support, and appreciation, and can create a beautiful view that supports each other and is independent.
If you feel that life is too difficult, advise you to read Zeng Guofan
Zhang Hongjie, a famous scholar and the main speaker of "Hundred Tribunes"
Interpretation of the Front and Side of Zeng Guofan
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The author | Kale, write other people's stories well, live your own life.
The anchor | Jiayin, ten o'clock reading contract anchor.
Pictures | Visual China, Network (if there is infringement, please contact to delete)