Fudan professor Yan Feng revealed that his son suffered from autism: during the epidemic, don't separate me from my child

Yesterday was World Autism Day, and Yan Feng, a professor at fudan university's department of Chinese, disclosed his autism parent identity for the first time on Weibo. His son, who has been diagnosed for more than a decade, chose to make it public at this point in time because "there is a new urgent situation, that is, the epidemic."

In Shanghai, where Yan Feng lives, many families have encountered challenges recently because the epidemic is in a state of "lockdown", and for special groups such as autism, the difficulty of this challenge is magnified many times. For example, many children do not cooperate with nucleic acid and cry every time; some children are active, but they can only be locked up at home; some parents are isolated in Pudong, while children and grandparents are isolated in Puxi. The biggest challenge may be isolation. Just yesterday there was a new news that many infants and young children have been isolated alone, and their parents cannot accompany and take care of them. What happens once an autistic child is separated from the primary caregiver? "The vast majority of people with autism cannot take care of themselves, and in a group or individual life, not only can not guarantee their own safety, but also affect the surrounding environment and people. Once an autistic person is isolated from their families, both life and psychological difficulties and torments are unimaginable to ordinary people." Assuming an infection occurs, Yan Feng's own order is: home isolation, self-payment to isolate the hotel. The square cabin, on the other hand, is not a good option. Yan Feng's weibo is to speak out for autistic families in the epidemic, hoping that this problem will attract the attention of society and the government, and avoid family disasters and social problems that are bigger than Omi kerong infection. "We must overcome the epidemic, we must overcome the epidemic, and we must also protect our children and our humanity in this process." With the same concern, Rice and Xiaomi interviewed Yan Feng.

Character Introduction: Professor Yan Feng is a "cross-border scholar", in addition to researching and teaching literature in universities, he likes to play games, and was the first to publish research papers in academia to examine games from a literary point of view; fascinated by new scientific and technological products; likes to see the sky, and has a professional telescope that can only be seen in a planetarium at home; he is also a classical music enthusiast, who teaches himself to play guitar and has published many music reviews. His father was the famous music critic Xin Fengnian.

Children with autism are not recommended to go to the cabin for isolation

As I said on Weibo, our neighborhood is already positive. These days, I have witnessed a few things and have come to the conclusion that our family still cannot go to the square cabin. Because, it was difficult for us to take care of our son at home. If he went to the square cabin, his life did not know what to do. These difficulties are sometimes difficult to describe. He doesn't act opportunistically and tends to have a lot of stereotypical behavior. For example, brushing your teeth and washing your face at home sometimes requires reminders. Where toothbrushes and towels are placed, and how clothes are placed, there is a set of fixed procedures. Anyone who knows about children with autism knows. They have to rely on this structured thing to make their lives organized. When they got to the cabin, they didn't know how to do it, and others didn't know how to help him, and finally they had an emotional breakdown and made a mess there. This is the most reasonable speculation. My son is okay, the other kids are even worse. It is conceivable that going to a place like the square cabin, the genealogy child will become a huge burden on others, that place will also become a huge burden on him, and this thing will also become a burden on the parents. The inconvenience of this life is not the same as that of ordinary people. These difficulties are simply unimaginable and unacceptable. The current feeling may be possible to allow home isolation. If everyone goes to the square cabin, only cross-infection will affect the rest. Speaking of which, including infants and young children, these vulnerable groups who cannot take care of themselves are facing the same situation.

After the diagnosis, adults are not reconciled

My son is 19 years old and has a lot of languages and gushes. As a child, he just talks to himself and doesn't think much about what other people think. He said things that he was familiar with, and the other party did not necessarily understand his subject, which formed a serious social obstacle. Rarely, when others are interested in this topic, two people can talk for a while, but he is also self-centered, and it is difficult to form a stable, long-term, you-to-me relationship.

He also has problems with sensory system, problems with small muscles, problems with motor coordination. Now there is still a great difficulty in tying shoelaces, I don't know how many times I have taught. Chopsticks have also been taught for several years, and now I can take them. But that look is still not right.

He was diagnosed around the age of six. In fact, when he was very young, we found some signs, such as stereotyped behavior, etc., but I have always had a hard time accepting that he had autism. I myself am also groping, looking at the information, the more I look at it, the more I feel like it. Later, I took him for a diagnosis.

At that time, in a sense, he was more capable than his peers and could say a lot. We feel that his problems can be corrected and solved through education. After the diagnosis, we feel very bad, but still think that he is very functional, can speak a lot, cognitive ability can also be, IQ is also at the passing line, he is still full of hope, hope to finish primary and secondary school, it is best to go to college.

Genes teach me that some things can't be changed

My son finished the fifth grade in a normal primary school in China. Fifth grade was the most painful period because he had a hard time keeping up. The first and second grades are OK, and in the third grade, it's like ascending to the sky. He also had a lot of conflicts at school. He was completely uninspiring on others, but did not listen to instructions, told him not to do his homework, and told him not to eat. Because he seriously dragged his feet, the teacher was difficult to say anything to us, and we parents also had a very heavy sense of guilt. But even then, we still want him to desperately try to keep up, and we must be in mainstream education, and we have not even considered sending him to a special school.

At this stage, we have a lot of shame, and it is also secret to go to rehabilitation, for fear of being labeled, and friends do not talk about it. But in fact, the gap between him and his children of the same age is getting wider and wider.

I was not convinced at first, but then I slowly understood that some things about children are born. I am a teacher, of course I believe in the power of education, believe in the importance of culture and acquired effort, I did not admit at first how difficult it is to make up for the innate gap, but reality educates you, genes educate you. This child let me know the power of innate power, and there are some things in this world that really can't be changed.

But changing cognition is a very long process, and it is also the most painful. This includes trying to stumble to keep up with the mainstream, to treat and correct the child. We have received ABA, structured training, sensory integration training, RDI training. For every therapy, we pounce on it with hope. But by now, maybe we haven't done enough, found the wrong way, or started late. I feel that overall, there is limited help for children.

Children are happy in Australia

By the fifth grade of our son, we knew that the mainstream education path would not work.

It just so happened that I had the opportunity to go abroad and went to Australia. I want to see if australian schools can accept him. Australian schools have subport classes, which are special classes, but in ordinary schools, this is better. The school he attended in China was not a special education teacher at that time. We spent almost four years in Australia. At the beginning of the language school, there was a teacher sitting next to him, and the child learned very well. The support is very good, and it is very accepting of such children.

Later transferred to a general secondary school. At first, I thought that elementary school was stumbling, and how could I go to middle school with everyone. They said, it's all right, come on. I saw that there were few children in the support class, but there were several teachers, almost one-on-one, caring. So, the kid was pretty happy over there.

I also made a fundamental change in Australia. He was able to relax, he learned English very well, and my own anxiety began to ease. On the one hand, seeing the reality, knowing what the child is in, knowing what things can't be changed; on the other hand, realizing that this is not a big deal, because there is no discrimination in Australia, and the teachers are very relaxed.

But I also know that they don't have much to do, in fact, they are playing with their children, hello me, hello everyone. This atmosphere made me see that even this way, I can live very well. Of course, behind this requires a lot of support such as social security, and also requires the cooperation of other students and parents. But in any case, I do see another possibility.

After the project in Australia was over, I also thought about how to create a small environment for him after returning to China. Because I know that it's hard to get the big environment to accept him, or to let him fit into the big environment. Is it possible to find a small space and atmosphere similar to Australia?

I did put a lot of stuff down. In this way, discovery's relationship with him also improved. In the past, when he was in a normal school, I set him according to a certain intended purpose, my own growth experience, and some educational norms, and the relationship with the child was very tense every day. Later I learned that following that simply wouldn't work. Not only for him, but not for ordinary children.

For children with autism, seedlings cannot be promoted

I think that in every autistic family, parents and children need to be able to understand and accept each other and adjust each other's relationship. Parents need to know their children very well, know the reasons behind some of their behaviors, but also know the child's ability, what standards can be achieved at each stage, if the seedlings are encouraged, forcing him to do what he can't do, he will definitely explode emotionally. Of course, this truth applies to any family, whether your child has autism or not, you need to understand, but this problem is more common in autistic families.

After I realized this, I even thought that my son's education had changed me even more than my education for him. It can be said that he completely changed me. From a negative or mundane perspective, we sacrifice a lot of career time and development possibilities, as well as various opportunities. The focus of his whole life shifted to him, and time was prioritized around him.

But he also really let us see and learn a lot of things - not only autism-related knowledge, psychological knowledge, but also a lot of education-related knowledge. Many things are connected: you want to control him and let him develop according to your wishes, and in ordinary children, this relationship will also encounter great problems; in special children, it is completely foolish. Everyone is miserable and anxious, and the result is completely different from what you expected.

This realization made a fundamental change in me, and finally eased my relationship with the world.

Autistic children are pure

There is one thing that I am deeply impressed about, which may have directly contributed to my change, and that is learning disabilities.

We all took the college entrance examination, and I had hoped he would go to college. But children are very partial, and mathematics is a weakness. There are learning disabilities here, it is a genetic problem, which can be said to be impossible to change, and it is not enough to have effort.

With regard to learning disabilities, few people in the country can recognize this problem. A very small number of parents who encounter this situation, have a certain knowledge background, may understand. There is an article in the magazine New Discovery about learning disabilities in mathematics, which has a very high proportion in France, with several in each class. This made me suddenly realize, like waking up from a dream, like the feeling of drinking from the head stick.

Of course, it is not only this matter, but also some manifestations of thinking and logic, which make me realize that autistic children are different from others.

They have their strengths, the autistic kids I met, very cute, very pure and completely utilitarian. In a sense, it's really extraordinary. In this world, we see so many shameless things such as fly camping, fame and profit, lying and falsification, which are completely absent from our children. He would never lie, and I'd be happy if he could (laughs) – but he doesn't.

They have emotions and love, and emotions can be very strong. It's just that they express themselves the same way as others. These need to be perceived with great care. It really needs parents or special education teachers, especially loving and delicate people, to perceive and recognize.

Autism is rarely genius, don't be misled

There are also many stereotypes about them. For example, the image of film and television dramas such as "Rain Man" and "Sheldon", I think, these are very misleading.

Autistic children have a lot of intelligence is middle and lower, and even cognitive impairment, and there are few so-called geniuses. And they are very persistent, and they will stare at one thing to go to school. So, in some ways, it is possible to master knowledge that ordinary people do not have. Each of them is very different. But there are common obstacles, that is, social and self-care. These are the most damning things.

When my son was very young, he liked different things at different stages. At first I liked archaeology like dinosaurs, then I liked marine life, and then I liked geography. He looked at the map all day long, and when he saw the end, he must have known more than others. But this knowledge is useless, fragmented, and cannot be combined into an organic whole to form a knowledge system. And after a while, it is thrown away, and it is not formed into accumulation.

At first I thought that he might become a paleontologist or a marine biologist, and for a while I consciously pushed him in this direction, according to his hobbies and specialties, but he was also changing, and after a while, he was not interested again, and I would not force him.

Parents let go of obsession, and life is not sad

As a parent of an autistic child, you need to be able to relax. That's what I've experienced the most.

The first is to let go of one's own obsessions. The so-called obsession is to set goals that must be achieved according to the mainstream social settings. If you are the parent of a special child, you still have to hold this obsession, to take that road, to see how other people's children are, it can be said that this is an unbearable weight. But it is also impossible for a parent to understand at the beginning and then put it down. At least I haven't seen anyone like that, and neither have I.

After so many years, I can't say completely let go, just understand that we should do it. I have been thinking about how to help children improve their abilities, how to correct behavior, and how to make homework better. It was later discovered that these were not the most important, but most importantly, learning the skills to survive and live, such as self-care, which was more important than cultural knowledge.

In addition, the learning culture is not originally for external purposes such as examination certificates. It's that people need to learn, get an environment and atmosphere, have some classmates, to feel accepted and tolerated in the group - everyone needs this kind of thing. Autistic children may not necessarily express it, but everyone in this regard is the same, they all need feelings, they need to accept, they need to be tolerant.

For parents, if this can be put down, the days will not be so sad.

In 2017, my son and I came back from Australia and didn't want to go to school in China. I just want to ask a tutor. But I tried it and it felt particularly tired and the results weren't necessarily good.

Later we had good luck and met the "Angel Confidant Salon". Conductor Cao Peng, musician Cao Xiaoxia, and Cao Xiaoxia's son Shidu Dan'er are a public welfare organization together. There are love classrooms, love coffee, and other public welfare performances. This made my son's life very fulfilling, and I was very relaxed.

There is an epidemic in Shanghai, and they do activities online. The child's mood is also better.

Parents must learn to grow

Finally, I would like to say a few heartfelt words to autistic parents:

First, I disclosed on Weibo that my son is autistic, and it is also part of my own learning and growth, which is a responsibility and obligation. At first, I had a very heavy and passive mood, but parents could have looked at this event from a different perspective.

Second, parents should also have their own lives, it can be said that child-centered, whether it is time or psychology, these may still be problematic, not necessarily good for children, can not be plagued by autism all day. We need to slowly get out of the way. We parents ourselves are also very important to have our own lives. In this way, you can also have a better relationship with your child, and everyone is less nervous.

Finally, we need to find the best way for our children to grow. Some children are more suitable for ordinary schools, some children are more suitable for special schools, or other specialized schools. Everyone's situation is different, and it is most important to accept them. It is necessary to distinguish between the perspective that best suits their growth, not from our imagination and the expectations of society.

For me, in the future, I hope that my children will be able to take care of themselves and be happy and healthy.

Dictation | Yan Feng wrote | Wang Yun Editor| Wang Jilu and Pippi Pa