1.
A child with two faces
On the weekend, I have a small gathering with my girlfriends, and I am also a mother, and I have to carry my own "drag oil bottle" for the party. The two of us were about the same age and just happened to play together.
The mall set up a stage for activities, and children performed on stage with small gifts. My son jumped up and sang a song, led a toy car, and was so happy. I said to my girlfriend, "Meng Meng also performs, she hasn't been learning to dance." The girlfriend also encouraged her daughter to go up, but she timidly tugged at her mother's clothes and refused to do anything.
Meng Meng envied my son's new toy, and my girlfriend bought her one on the spot. But in the blink of an eye, both toy cars were in my son's hands. "My brother snatched it from me!" Meng Meng flattened her mouth and slipped into her mother's arms.
"This kid is really weird, running amok at home, and as soon as he goes out, he will be provoked in seconds!" Deal with the children's disputes, girlfriends and I sighed, Meng Meng has always shouted at home, jumped up and down, like a mighty little bully, but when she leaves the house, she becomes a timid and fearful little sheep, swallowing weakly, almost like two faces.
Lying in the nest and going out is a common disease of many children in real life. Moreover, the two seem to form a direct relationship, the more horizontal at home, the more instigated the going out; conversely, after a day of instigation outside, the more unreasonable it is to return home. What's going on here?
Some parents simply reduce their children's performance to "acknowledging life". Feeling that home is a familiar environment, children feel relaxed and at ease, so they show their true selves. And stepping out of the house, you will go to an unfamiliar field, facing people and things that cannot be controlled, naturally at a loss, and you will become a cowering bag.
There is some truth to this statement, and child psychologists also believe that children are born with a "sense of boundaries" and a strong sense of geography. Home is the territory owned by the child, there is no need to control emotions, once the boundaries of leaving home, the child is not sure whether his expression will be heard and understood, and will deliberately suppress his emotions and needs.
However, the child's two-sided performance is real. If there are huge differences in his state of behavior inside and outside the home, it is not as simple as acknowledging life.
2.
Behind the nest, it is pampered and "proud"
In the American movie "Miracle Boy", Auggie is a young boy born with facial deformities and did not enter school until the fifth grade. On the first day of school, his classmates looked at him with strange eyes, hit him with balls, called him an "ugly monster", and mocked his pigtails.
Auggie did not resist, not even a word of rebuttal. But as soon as he got home, Auggie angrily broke into his sister's room and found scissors in the dresser drawer to cut his braids. My sister asked him about his situation with concern, and he ignored it, but slammed the door and ran out.
In the later plot, we can see that Auggie is polite to both the teacher and his classmates, thinking that his good friend has deceived him, he is very painful, but he is still silent and tolerant. At home, Auggie is not like this, he will throw a tantrum at his parents and shout at his sister: "Get me out!" ”
Not only Auggie, but many children behave in a nest because he clearly knows that his family is spoiling him. They will show unconditional concessions to their own behavior, which will essentially have a "pampering and arrogance" flavor.
Although the child is small, there is a subconscious judgment of risk, and this judgment determines what attitude he adopts on what occasions.
There are also children who know in their hearts that it is wrong for them to lose their temper, and the reason why he is unscrupulous at home is because he is convinced that his home is the safest, that his family will accept him and tolerate him, and that he does not have to do so at any risk and does not have to pay any price.
The family gave the child a nurturing environment to relax. He ate outside the house, eager to be comforted at home. This kind of nest is not really arrogant, but is used to cover up their frustration and inferiority on the outside, and to make up for self-confidence.
The child's performance is the natural outpouring, but also the release of emotions, which is beyond reproach, but if he is accustomed to taking himself as the core, blindly willful and arbitrary in the face of his family, regardless of his temper, always venting his suppressed emotions outside to people close to him, it is obviously not a good thing.
The reason for this is the pampering of parents. The more unprincipled the family of pampered children, the worse the situation becomes. Parental spoiling, indulgence and compromise can easily become the soil that breeds "nests".
3.
The weakness of peer relationships leads to social confusion
The three-year-old boy Lele went to kindergarten on the first day, the teacher sent lunch snacks, there was his favorite strawberry cake roll, Lele went to get the biggest piece like at home, but found that it was snatched away in advance by the children at the same table.
"Give it to me!" Lele shouted, but the table mate did not listen to his orders, and quickly swallowed with his cheeks.
When it was time to play games, Lele looked at a set of puzzles in the activity room, but several children had already gathered around to put them together. Lele shouted angrily, "I want to play, let me play first!" But apparently that phrase still didn't work. He began to realize that this was not his home and that no one was making him a center anymore.
Abroad, social forces are known as Social Skills, which manifest themselves from childhood and are associated with personality. Children determine their social roles in socializing with their peers: leader or follower, issuing orders or habitual obedience.
In his book Child Psychology, Rudolf Schever emphasizes the role of peer relationships in the development of children, and children must move from home to home if they want to build a sense of social identity.
Some children are shy and indecisive in unfamiliar situations, dare not solve problems themselves, face bullying or unfairness, and dare not express anger and resistance. More obviously, he would avoid interactions between the two and spend more time with a large group of people.
Rudolf Schaefer defines him as a "neglected child" who appears passive and powerless in peer relationships, what we call "outside instigation."
However, this kind of encouragement is mostly not innate, but rather an adaptation to the way of socializing. This is especially evident in the children in the nest, who come to an unfamiliar environment and soon find that he is accustomed to being rude and willful and no one buys it, which makes him very insecure.
Everything outside is unknown, the child can not be respected and accepted at any time and place, after one or two times, this huge loss and dazedness pushed him to the other extreme, he instigated.
The more arrogant the little bully at home, the greater the psychological gap outside the home, and he cannot find his own position, so he has timidity. "Horizontal" and "instigated" are like two sides of a coin, and a strange fusion occurs in the child.
4.
Let the child be the master of the emotions
The opposite of "nesting horizontally and going out" is that children are well-behaved at home and naughty outside, which is said to be "crazy". But in fact, both of these performances are an emotional appeal.
I have heard an analysis before: the child's nest is due to the lack of confidence in the outside world, and the madness of people is the desire for recognition from the outside world.
He feels depressed, sad, or nervous, excited... It is precisely because of the occurrence of these emotions that the child's behavior changes. As parents, we can use the right way of education to guide children to manage emotions.
Make clear rules and refuse to coddle
Su Mingcheng in "All Is Good", from a child to an adult, has been bullying his sister Su Mingyu, and he directly beat her up when he was slightly unhappy, but he was humble and courteous to outsiders. The performance of the eldest brother Su Mingzhe is more reclusive, he is polite and polite, and always thinks of himself as Su's parents, but when he encounters an incident, Zhang Huang is at a loss, and will only be a "disappointment".
Sister Su Mingyu unceremoniously pointed out: "The men of our Su family are all nesting! The reason why the two brothers have become like this is not unrelated to Su Mu's doting.
Coddling, resulting in a loss of rules, limits the development of the child. If you want your child to integrate into society correctly, you must first correct his wrong cognition, not favoritism, no indulgence, and let him know that the nest is not a problem.
Develop children's resilience and social skills
Not long ago, Wu Ruotong, a seven-year-old girl in Hong Kong, China, refuted the "Chinese virus remarks" and stood in front of the camera generously, expounding her views on the new crown virus in fluent English. She said wildlife is found all over the world and no one knows where the virus came from. Instead of attacking each other, we should unite because epidemic prevention is the responsibility of everyone on the planet. The young man had clear thinking, fluent language and powerful expression, and was called "the hope of Hong Kong's future" by the media in Hong Kong. Wu Ruotong also has a younger brother in the family, and his parents often take them out to play and participate in various activities, and both children look sunny and confident.
Emotions are different from intelligence, and in addition to talent, acquired practice is particularly important. Children who have seen the world and have a broad vision will have better resilience and social skills. If you want to correct your child's "going out", you should give him more opportunities to go out, encourage children to say hello and make friends, carry out social activities, and learn to express their needs. Let him build self-confidence as he explores peer relationships.
Parents lead by example and are consistent in appearance
Children are the first to learn emotions in the family and are born with a penchant for imitation.
Some parents themselves are two-faced people, gentle and elegant outside, kind to everyone, and when they return home, they wantonly release negative emotions, disrespect their families, and speak evil words. This has a very bad impact on the child, who is like a student, only promises outside, and does whatever he wants at home.
Parents are a mirror of their children, and if they want their children to be consistent, they must first lead by example. Learn to control your emotions and be the master of your emotions with your child.
Parents who complain that their children are "nesting and going out", may wish to examine their daily behavior first, do what we should do, and provide a more ideal growth environment for their children.
Author: Linglong Xin, Master of Education, high school teacher. Water peach and plum with knowledge, and nourish the soul with words
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