Source| Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio
ID:zqfxlgzs
01
It is no longer news that the circle of friends blocks parents, and recently Fu Seoul, the debater of "Strange Story", has also met, and she revealed on Weibo that she was blocked from the circle of friends by a twelve-year-old child.
After she found out, she tried to ask the child why, and the child said that there were always some feelings that she did not want her mother to know.
Then reluctantly pretended to be an understatement and asked: Oh? For example, what are the feelings?
The child said: I am all in trouble and still want to talk to me? Can you respect the IQ of a teenager?
It feels very intimate to see this scene, as if it is my daily life with my 10-year-old daughter, yes, you read it right, the counselor's daughter also has things that she does not want her mother to know.
Moreover, as a senior daughter of a consultant, she also has a very strong "anti-reconnaissance ability" like Fu Seoul's son.
The old mother has mixed feelings at this time, and does not know whether to celebrate the growth of the child or to lose her own exit.
Many people feel that being blocked by children, or blocking parents, is because the "parents" are too bad, do not do well, or have too much control, resulting in children needing to use "shielding" to escape.
However, this may not be comprehensive: perhaps, every parent is a parent who will eventually be blocked, even if not in the circle of friends, but also elsewhere, especially in the heart.
02
So, when we talk about the topic of "shielding parents", it may be necessary to make a distinction at the beginning, to see whether this "shielding" is growth or problematic.
"Growth shielding", as I mentioned earlier in the example of Fu Seoul and children.
From her Weibo point of view, the mother-child relationship is very close, communication is very relaxed, and children can also express their views very frankly.
Although the old mother is a little depressed, she can actually tell her child frankly about her findings, and overall, the relationship between the two people is very transparent and relaxed.
At this time, the child's "shielding" parents is a necessary stage in their growth process, and it can even be said that they have grown to a relatively independent stage.
This is why most children begin to "shield" their parents during adolescence and begin to have their own little secrets.
In the era of no circle of friends, QQ, and vibrato, we are using locked diaries to "shield" parents, the form is changing, and the need for independent growth has not changed.
These "shields" do not require special treatment, only parents can handle it on their own, digest the child's growth, and the sense of loss brought about by separation from the child.
"Problem blocking" refers to the fact that when there is a serious problem with the parent-child relationship, the child and the parent are in a state where most of the time and space cannot communicate.
The child is in a state of wanting to flee at any time, and the parent may also be in a state of anxiety about wanting to take full control of the child.
At this time, the "shielding" of parents may indicate that the child has encountered difficulties in growing up.
The difficulty is that there should be a space that allows them to slowly move towards independence, but the parents' anxiety about separation covers this space, leading to two problems:
First, the problem of child growth: children cannot be treated properly, and they cannot grow up at the right time.
Second, the problem of family relationships: the emotional communication of the whole family is trapped.
03
Many times, "growth shielding" and "problematic shielding" may not be able to be clearly separated, but a continuous spectrum.
That is to say, the growth shield develops to the extreme, perhaps the problem shield, and all the problem shields are developed from the growth shield.
So, looking back, let's look at the common direction of these two shields, which is a "separate" issue.
How to face the separation from the child and how to truly admit that you are a "parent who will eventually be shielded" is a compulsory course for every parent.
To pass this "compulsory course", we must first break the illusion that the child should have no reservations about me, and I should know everything about the child.
I often hear some parents of teenagers say with a little bit of flaunting taste: My child and I have nothing to talk about.
This makes many parents who feel that their children have distanced themselves envious, as if others are "good parents" and have failed to do so.
But in fact, it is not necessary, first of all, this statement is likely to have an exaggerated component, and even I can be confident and remove the "possibility".
If an adolescent child does not have a little reservation and secret from his parents, but it is terrible, it means that the child may not have developed into puberty.
In other words, too dependent on and identified with parents, parent-child relationships are too integrated.
Usually, parents who feel that their children have nothing to say to themselves are actually expressing that their children communicate more fully and harmoniously with themselves.
But behind this exaggerated expression of "nothing to talk about" there is an unconscious desire: if the child and I are the kind of intimacy that we have nothing to talk about, how good it is, the good thing is that the first can feel a seamless "intimacy", the second can feel that they are a "good parent".
These two "good" are a powerful temptation for parents to easily immerse themselves in it, and forget that in fact, to tolerate a certain degree of "feeling of abandonment" and "bad parents" is a very important topic in the growth of children, or in fact, the growth of parents themselves.
Accepting that they are "abandoned" and "bad" may be equivalent to facing the shell of a cicada, full of decay and powerlessness.
However, maybe what we take off and say goodbye to is only some functions and satisfactions as parents of small children, which means that we have to say goodbye to a certain stage of life, and in the future, we may have to face more of the issue of our own life turning into middle age.
Perhaps many parents who cannot bear to be separated from their children ultimately avoid this theme.
And parents who have reached the "problem block" on the continuous spectrum may have more and more serious personal difficulties on this topic:
Perhaps only through their intimacy with their children could they experience the emotional intensity they had longed for since childhood.
Perhaps, their former life difficulties have been temporarily alleviated or replaced by their children, and once the children begin to show their desire for independence (separation), they will feel particularly empty and panicked, and truly accept from the bottom of their hearts that they are parents who will eventually be shielded, and for them, it may take a long process beyond expectations.
04
Under Fu Seoul's Weibo, there was a comment: I also block my parents, which does not mean that I do not love them.
I suspect that children who can write such a comment are most likely experiencing "growth shielding."
He expresses a clear sense of boundaries: not only the boundaries of his parents, but also the boundaries of his own two inner needs: the need for independence and the need for affection.
This sense of boundaries happens to be what parents who can't accept their shielding need, and behind their fantasy of being "abandoned", there is also such a kind of boundary that is not clear:
They interpret the need for children to have their own independent space as no longer emotionally connected with themselves, or completely distrustful, but in fact, the independent space and emotional interaction between parents and children can coexist, and when the parents' inner sense of boundaries for their children is clearer, this sense of coexistence will be stronger.
Parents who will eventually be shielded from their children, what you lose is not the love of your children, but only a stage of intimate relationship with your children.
At another distance, you and your child will eventually meet in the flow of emotions.
Author: Li Wenyao.