Such a scene will be staged in many families:
The child lost another stroke of writing, and the mother hurriedly pointed out: "How many times have you said it, and you have lost this horizontally!" ”
"Write your homework and look up, why can't you remember it?"
"After going to the toilet and flushing the toilet, why can't you have a long memory?"
"Told you how many times don't play with so-and-so, look, you've been bullied again."
These examples have two common characteristics: 1. For the good of the child. 2. Repeat the same words many times.
This is over-reminding, and over-reminding is not conducive to the growth of children.
1
Why do parents over-remind
"Over-reminder" is a pit that many parents will "fall", and the reason why parents will be recruited is nothing more than these two reasons:
1. Hope that the child can do better;
2. Fear of children taking detours.
In fact, in the final analysis, it is still out of love for children.
Because parents love their children, they hope to give the best to their children.
Afraid that the child will not do well, be hurt, and take the wrong road, so he keeps reminding the child, but he does not realize that the parents' "heavy heart" has become "nagging" and "ear wind" in the child.
2
The "evil consequence" of over-reminding
A well-known American educator and new provost of Stanford University, Julie. Lescott mentions in the book that too many parents show a tendency to over-direct, over-protect, and over-intervene in the lives of their children. As a result, children become adults but are not adults, lacking basic life skills and suffering from different degrees of psychological harm.
1. Destroy your child's concentration
I saw a scene on the train: in front of me sat a family of three, a four- or five-year-old boy with his parents.
To pass the long hours on the train, the children began to draw, and the parents watched from the side. But after a while, parents began to point fingers at their children.
"How can a flower be bigger than a house?" It should be drawn smaller. "Daddy is a man, how can he paint his clothes pink?"
The child has not been drawing for a while, and the parents have already made a lot of comments, and even took the paintbrush in the child's hand to demonstrate.
At this time, the child seems to have no interest in drawing at all, but listlessly revises according to the instructions of his parents.
When the child is concentrating on playing, the parents come to feed the child something to eat, the child is eating, and the child drinks saliva...
Although parents are out of love for their children, Che always disturbs the child when the child is focused, so that the child's attention is always distracted, and the child cannot form concentration.
2. Make the child lose autonomy
Once, when I was a guest at my cousin's house, her son, who was already in middle school, was playing a game in the next room.
The cousin and the cousin-in-law took turns calling for their son to eat, and the child either turned a deaf ear or should say "Wait a minute."
We ate and talked until we put down the dishes and chopsticks and the children didn't come over. The cousin-in-law silently warmed the meal.
Later, my cousin talked to me about the child's poor state at school: he was distracted in class, he didn't write homework, and he even skipped school to play games, and he had already taken a break this semester.
Speaking of this, my cousin wiped away tears.
In fact, the child's problem is in the poor autonomy, the cousin reminds the child every day that it is time to eat, to sleep, to do homework, and to be late for school.
With the reminder of the parents, the child hardly has to worry a little, and will be keenly aware, "I am not doing a good job, the mother will be more anxious than me", so that the child will not have to worry and worry.
Over time, children lose their autonomy in learning and life, and even have the idea that "working and resting on time and studying well are completing tasks for parents".
3. Make it impossible for the child to gain direct experience
There is a learning method called experiential learning, which allows children to understand things more sensory, more specific and figurative, and get more direct experience.
For example, children like to play with water, in the process of playing, children can see the color and shape of water, know that water will flow and change, and also know that people will not be able to breathe in the water.
If parents always remind their children that playing with water will stain their clothes and encounter dangers, and these words have an effect, and the child obediently stays away from the water and does not play with water from then on, then the child will never be able to experience the fun of playing with water.
4. Let the child have a rebellious psychology
Sweet down the stairs always like to touch the handrail, every time the hands are very dirty, her mother told her that it will get dirty hands, dirty clothes, unhygienic.
Sweet didn't like to hear it, and touched the armrest the next time she went downstairs. In this way, the mother gradually evolved from the initial reminder to the non-stop nagging.
But Sweetie just can't remember, when her mother said it, she either put on a grimace or said indifferently: "Oh, I forgot again." ”
In fact, it can sometimes be seen that Sweetie is deliberate, and she is using this way to express her resistance to her mother's nagging.
Excessive reminders will become nagging, like the tight curse of the Tang monks to bring pressure and restraint to the child; and like a small knife, the parents unconsciously hurt the child.
3
How to avoid over-reminding
Many parents have realized their problems, but if their children do not change, the excessive reminders of parents cannot be stopped.
1. The child does not ask, the parent does not act
We might as well try this approach: the child does not ask, the parent does not act. You can try to be less "diligent" and learn to be a "lazy parent".
To give children full trust, in daily life, study, get up, eat, dress... As long as the child can do it himself, there is no question about what we should do, even if the child is not doing very well, parents should not interfere and remind.
In this process, children will think on their own, will act positively, will gradually get rid of dependence, and have their own initiative.
2. Nothing more than three
When Teacher Yin Jianli was in elementary school with her daughter Yuanyuan, every time the child made a mistake in the exam, she always said: "What is the mistake, now I know it?" ”
This sentence is very effective, so that children can focus on the problem of not being able to, and develop a good habit of making up for deficiencies in time and studying steadily.
From elementary school to high school, after countless exams, my mother would say this sentence. Until once the daughter got angry, "How many times have this sentence been said, and it bothers you the most!" ”
If the parents' words can be accepted and can produce effects, then it is enough to say once or twice, if it does not work, how many times it is useless, it will only make the child disgusted and resistant.
3. Eat a trench, grow a wisdom
Children bear some setbacks and beatings, which will also have certain benefits for the child's growth.
My child always liked to dance in the chair when she was young, and we stopped her a few times for fear that she would fall down.
She was almost three years old at the time, probably in her first "rebellious period", and she was like being "stimulated" by us, extra insistent, and you climbed up without paying attention.
That day, it was just me and her at home, I was busy cooking, there was a "thud" behind me, and then there was the cry of a child, and she fell out of the chair, but fortunately she did not touch it, just frightened.
Later, she and all the people who came to my house broke and read "the story of her falling off the chair", and when she got into the chair later, she would be very careful.
Therefore, parents do not have to be afraid of their children taking detours. Occasionally letting the child bear some setbacks and beatings will also have a positive significance for the child's growth.
In the process of educating children, excessive reminders are very common, and many parents are in a state of unconsciousness, we must be vigilant.