Parents' words and deeds and educational methods always affect the psychological development of children.
- Le Dad
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Source | Internet
"Don't listen to parents", "Poor test scores", "Naughty"... These words that parents often nagged in their children's ears will gradually make children lose confidence.
In real life, many children are not confident.
However, the root cause is largely due to the improper education of parents.
The following 8 points are the behaviors that parents are prone to mistakes in the process of educating their children and hurt their children's self-esteem.
If these behaviors are not avoided, they can greatly hurt a child's self-esteem.
Ignore the presence of the child
If parents do not listen to the child in the early stage of the child's life, ignore the child, ignore the child's existence, the child will think that this is a normal behavior, a normal relationship state between people, such a child can not establish self-esteem.
An orphanage in the United States organized a group of female college students from colleges and universities, who would regularly come to give orphans a certain amount of hugs, touches and other physical contact caresses.
As a result, the orphans behaved more gently after each caress.
The reason is that children are born with the need to be cared for and loved, and if children feel neglected and not valued, they will feel that their self-esteem is hurt, and the smarter and more sensitive the child, the deeper the hurt.
Many parents find various excuses not to listen to their children, and the common reflection of young children is:
"My parents don't explain anything to us"
"Mom and Dad only say what they want to say, and they won't listen to what I want to say!"
Therefore, if the child shows no respect for others and cannot quiet down to listen to people, we can measure accordingly that the person closest to the child usually does not listen attentively to the child's speech, does not meet his wishes as much as possible, and inadvertently causes damage to the child's self-esteem.
Destructive criticism
When the child does something wrong, the parent hopes to make the child change the shortcomings through criticism, and we regard the criticism of the child's behavior as a force.
When this force hits the child's behavior, that is, your criticism is directed at his behavior, the child will develop in the direction you want.
On the contrary, if this force hits the child's personality value, that is, you are attacking the child's value as a person, it will make the child feel that he has no dignity and no value, and slowly he will really lose self-esteem and value.
Today the child did not finish his homework seriously, and you blamed him:
"Why are you so ignorant of learning!" You're a kid with no perseverance! ......”
You are directly attacking his personality, he is just not serious once, and he becomes a child without perseverance in one sentence.
Leave this message in your child's mind:
"My mother said I was a child who was not serious, had no perseverance, and did not like to learn."
These negative evaluations of the child's personality will remain in the child's subconscious and form a negative anchor.
On the other hand, he would think, "I've been studying for so long and only playing for a while..."
He'll figure out a big push of reason, and your criticism doesn't serve to make him realize the mistake at all.
If your child has a rebellious mentality, then your child can still be saved.
Because it shows that he still has self-esteem, and if you hurt his self-esteem, he will take up this shield to fight you.
It's as if people are anxious when they are fighting, whether it is a broom or a knife, they can use it when they take it.
The same is true of our child's reaction, he is ready to fight back regardless of whether what you say is right or wrong. When the child once gives up the confrontation:
"Anyway, if you think I'm a lying child, then I'll lie!"
It shows that the self-esteem has been broken and completely broken.
Without self-esteem, you can no longer correct his behavior through words.
We see how many parents have "worked hard" to destroy their children's self-esteem and then complained:
"How did he become such a person?"
Isn't that enough to warn parents?
Public criticism of his shortcomings
Too often, children are disobedient, in front of people repeatedly "made times", we parents feel hurt self-esteem, we loudly reprimand children.
Our traditional educational philosophy is that this is normal.
As everyone knows, public criticism can only make children temporarily intimidated by pressure and dare not resist.
More importantly, it will hurt the child's self-esteem.
It doesn't take more than one bad word to say evil words, and all of a sudden it can hurt the child's young mind!
Every parent must understand that even the youngest mind can be very sensitive.
Not getting enough respect early in a child's life will lead to the child's self-esteem being ruthlessly snuffed out.
On this issue, many parents have a misunderstanding, they follow the ancient precept of "teaching children before people, teaching wives after people".
It is believed that in front of outsiders, in the public occasions of the family, children can be directly educated and reprimanded, only in this way can children have a memory, can be impressed and change their problems.
The results of these misuses are exactly the opposite of what parents hope -
Such children behave rudely, rudely, recklessly, and disrespectfully in the crowd.
Please search for one that you have similar behavior in homeschooling:
When angry with their own children, scream and curse.
Shout a scolding to the young child: "Shut up! Did you talk? ”
"Throw you here if you don't obey again, and see who cares about you!"
Verbally intimidating teenage children:
"If you don't obey, don't come home again!"
"I don't have a son (daughter) like you!"
Blame the child's behavior and scold:
"If you don't stay honest, I'll pick your skin!"
Some parents even take the initiative to have their children kneel in public and publicly humiliate their children in the hope of making their children better.
Imagine if an adult could tolerate the near-humiliating treatment of another adult?
And the weak of the child decides that they have no choice but to obey.
Adults, on the other hand, continue to use the rules of the adult world to forcibly restrain and hurt children in the name of love.
The rules of the adult world are different from the rules of the child's world, and there must be his own reason behind the child's behavior.
We cultivate the rudeness and arrogance of the child with our own hands, and then complain to the whole world: "How can this child be like this..."
In the feeling of the child who is not respected, he is not respected because he is not worthy of respect, so many children who look crazy and conceited are not so satisfied with themselves in their hearts, and their behavior is only to treat others with their own feelings.
Therefore, parents should always remember:
In terms of personality, the child is an equal subject with himself, and the child is born with the right to be respected. Please respect your children as you respect yourself, your leaders, colleagues, and friends.
Don't trust children
Too many parents don't realize that distrust of a person's abilities is a relentless challenge to human dignity.
When parents are afraid of their children lying, they are critical, judgmental, and question their children's words, and they plant a seed of doubt in their children's hearts.
Parents' distrust of their children is also manifested in the ability to recognize the feelings of the two sexes, and we wishfully believe that children must not have the ability to distinguish between innocent emotions and dirty emotions.
The real situation is that a child's feelings about sex and the various things associated with it are very natural, as is the way to look at other things in nature, and the situation in which adolescents develop bad sexual orientation is mostly caused by the adverse effects of parental counter-reinforcement.
Compare it to other children
The comparison mentioned here refers to the fact that parents compare the strengths of other people's children with the shortcomings of their own children.
We wishfully think that comparing with excellent children will stimulate children's motivation to learn and grow, but this is not the case.
Among children of the same age, there is a comparative psychology.
This will not only fail to achieve his goal of learning from the excellent, but also the opposite of the results hoped by parents, which will leave a negative shadow of inferiority for children.
This inappropriate comparison may provoke rebellious behavior for more aggressive children; for less aggressive children, it will leave a shadow in the mind, "I am not as good as other people's children, he is valuable, I am worthless."
The child feels unable to lift his head in front of people.
The real way we parents need to master is:
Teach your child to compare himself with himself, with his own yesterday.
"Yes, your results this time are better than last time!"
The child is punished in an inappropriate way
Up to now, there are still parents who stubbornly believe that "filial piety comes out of the stick" and believe that corporal punishment can correct children's bad habits.
The child cannot stand up to the adult because he is materially dependent on the adult, but this does not mean that the child will obey the will of the adult.
As an adult, you can change your child's behavior with corporal punishment and scolding, but it doesn't change your child's mind.
The child's behavior must have his own reasons, if the parent does not understand the root of the child's behavior, but simply judges according to his own opinion, the child is not intimidated by your strong pressure, and the heart is not convinced.
If in family education, parents blindly punish and scold can only make children feel isolated and helpless, without dignity.
Some excessive punitive behaviors can even breed seeds of resentment in the child's heart, and still leave a negative shadow in adulthood.
Forcing the child to do what he does not want to do
The child is the same personality independent subject as the adult, he is not your high-level toy, parents should respect the child's own choices.
If, because you are the child's food provider, you gain the power to control the child's will, and he has to do whatever he wants, you are the slave owner, and the child becomes your slave!
Forcing children to do things they do not want to do is equivalent to ignoring the dignity of children, which is the "high-pressure line" that parents must always pay attention to in family education.
Conditional love
A person who gives love conditionally is equivalent to dealing with his own emotions at a discount.
The most direct consequence of parents' conditional love for their children is that it will lead to the child's lifelong inability to learn to seriously love others and be loved by others.
Too many parents do not express unconditional love for their children in the process of educating their children, but associate their love for their children with their children's behavior.
In life, this is all too common a scenario:
"If you become a good student this semester, I'll buy you clothes."
"After the top five, I'll take you on a tour."
"Write your homework and I'll buy you something delicious."
"If you fail this exam, you don't have to come back!"
Parents make expressions of love on the premise that the child must act accordingly, which makes the child realize from an early age that "love is calculatable and exchangeable."
So he doesn't give true love unconditionally.
Because his love is conditional, he cannot establish a stable love relationship with others after adulthood, which determines the unhappiness of his marriage.
He will be despised by others in the environment, and eventually become a snob like a small citizen, wandering at the bottom of society for life.
Therefore, please grasp the scepter of "love" parents, do not abuse your power, if the child does not know how to give unconditional love to others, it will be a tragedy of the child's life.
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