As a parent, how to play the role of "the child's mentor"?

Two sessions of sound

On January 1, 2022, the Law of the People's Republic of China on the Promotion of Family Education was officially implemented, marking the advent of the era of "bringing babies according to law" in the mainland, and family education has also risen from "family affairs" to "state affairs".

On March 8, Zhou Qiang, president of the Supreme People's Court, mentioned in his report on the work of the Supreme People's Court to the Fifth Session of the 13th National People's Congress that "bringing a baby according to law" has become a compulsory course for parents.

Zhang Jun, chief procurator of the Supreme People's Procuratorate, also mentioned in his report on the work of the Supreme People's Procuratorate that the Family Education Promotion Law came into effect this year, which is more conducive to promoting "parents who throw their hands" to bring their babies according to law.

Family Education Promotion Act

Article 14: Parents or other guardians shall establish a sense of responsibility that the family is the first classroom and parents are the first teachers, bear the main responsibility for carrying out family education for minors, and use correct thinking, methods, and conduct to educate minors to develop good thoughts, conduct, and habits. Other family members living together with full capacity for civil conduct shall assist and cooperate with minors' parents or other guardians in carrying out family education.

As a parent,

How to play the role of "child's mentor"?

Today, Dr. Psychology,

Professor, Vice Dean, School of Psychology, South China Normal University,

Guangdong Provincial Primary and Secondary School Mental Health Education Guidance Center

Expert Group Member Liu Xuelan

Come and support parents

How to avoid it

The child is triggered by the parent-child relationship

What about mental health issues?

From the perspective of common misunderstandings in family education,

There are three suggestions to share with parents and friends.

First, we must understand the laws of education and growth. For the vast majority of ordinary minors, the ability to bear is slowly cultivated, so any behavior of staying up late to study, over-enrolling in classes and other behaviors that are encouraged by seedlings is ineffective or effective in the short term, and the ultimate frustration is the child's sustainable development ability.

The second is to let each child know himself and become himself. Everyone is a unique individual, there is no need to compare, as a parent, you should guide your child's self-awareness, help your child develop strengths and strengths, and be the best version of yourself. It is more practical to build on strengths and avoid weaknesses than to learn from each other's strengths.

Third, parents should learn emotional management, and the negative emotions such as anxiety and impatience of parents have a very large impact on children.

First, why are children reluctant to communicate with parents?

When the child is no longer willing to communicate with the parents,

It must have started at a very young age.

The child realizes that "what I say doesn't matter."

Disappointed a lot,

Naturally, the child did not want to open his mouth again.

Why are children reluctant to communicate with their parents?

See it from the children's perspective

Is there something wrong with these places.

Reason #1: Don't care what's going on inside me

"Why did Mom and Dad just not understand what I really needed, and why did they like to impose their own thoughts on me?" Why should I follow the route they have planned? ”

Reason 2: It seems that only the adult thing is the most important

"Mom and Dad don't seem to think much of my things, as if they only care about their own work, only their own things, and our things are not worth mentioning in their eyes." So my troubles, my worries, do not need to tell them, said that they will not pay attention to me, comfort me, but will scold me, laugh at me. ”

Reason 3: I asked all kinds of demands, but I couldn't do it myself

"Why is there something that even my parents can't do, but they always ask me to do it, we see the mistakes made by my parents, point them out, and they will be misunderstood as a counter-mouth, they will always yell at me, thinking that this is education." 」 In their eyes, a good child seems to want to listen to his parents for everything. ”

Reason #4: I don't have the patience to listen to my true thoughts

"I can't communicate with my parents at all, they are like they can't understand my words, they turn a blind eye to my opinions, they always feel that I am still young, the words I say are ridiculous, they are excuses, they are all unreasonable, they also like to be arbitrary, many times they do not seek my opinion, and they never listen to my explanations." 」

Reason 5: "Chat" with me, the topic is only "learning"

"In addition to buying me clothes to wear and food, my parents are always talking about learning, and they endlessly ask me what I have been studying recently, which makes me very irritable."

Reason 6: Replace intimate communication with cold truths

"Every time I plucked up the courage to tell my parents what I really thought, but after they listened, they would always talk a lot of truths, pose as adults, and condescendingly impose their own thoughts on me. Unless I agree with them, I will not continue to say it, or I will keep talking. There is no equal communication at all, how can I really express myself? ”

Reason 7: Replace calm education with anger

"Just after the parent-teacher conference that day, my father came home and criticized me fiercely. In fact, every time I didn't do well in the test, or made a mistake in school, I already realized that I was doing something wrong, and if my parents could communicate with me calmly, I would definitely change it. ”

How do you communicate with your child?

Take a look at these 3 tips~

1. Don't impose your will on your child

Parents are too fond of taking charge of the work, but the result of hard work is often not understood, and even complained. Parents often overlook the fact that their self-righteous consideration of their children is essentially a denial of their children's right to choose.

Parents have a wealth of life experience, and their "arrangement" of their children is indeed a shortcut in many cases, but this shortcut that is not recognized by the child is exactly what the children need. Parents must remember: "Respect the opinions of children, communicate not authoritarian, and communicate without dictatorship." ”

2. Communicate with your child as a friend

Studies have shown that friendly communication with children is the most effective means of communication that embodies the principle of equality.

Some parents find this difficult, in fact, the purpose of many parents and children to "make friends and dialogue on an equal footing" is still to teach their children, or to copy and paste their worldview, outlook on life, etc. into their children's minds. However, children should have the opportunity to form their own unique values. The primary purpose of parents making friends with their children is not to influence and educate, but to understand and listen.

3. Praise children, appreciation is part of education

It is not only the children who appreciate the test of education, but also the parents themselves. Whether the child can do something worth appreciating needs to be guided by parents with correct values; at the same time, whether the child's correct behavior can get the most timely appreciation for the first time, it needs the discovery and affirmation of parents.

Appreciation education can not only last for a while, but must be adhered to for a long time, with regularity and inertia, otherwise it will make children wonder and not know what is right and what is wrong. If you want your child to listen to adults, don't change communication into a model of "this problem does not need to be discussed, all listen to me", but change the essence of communication from indoctrination to listening, to listen to and understand the child's ideas.

With parent-child communication that understands and listens,

Parents can establish emotional links with their children,

Children will also be more willing to trust their parents,

Willing to work with parents.

Second, how does the child rebel?

The documentary "The Secret Life of Growing Up: The Most Adolescence" reveals the "secret" of rebellion in adolescence. A survey report in the film shows that the children of the past slowly entered puberty until they were about 13 years old. But now the child because of the good dietary conditions, may enter the "rapid development of the body" at the age of 9, the child's body will quickly develop towards "adultization". Paradoxically, the child's brain has not yet been able to adapt so quickly to this kind of physical maturity. In short, adolescent children are maturing bodies with an "immature head."

As a result, they often fight back with anger and oppose their parents everywhere, which makes parents feel headaches.

At this point,

If you want to change your educational model,

Try doing these 8 things -

1. Treat your child with respect as a friend

A mother once complained that she ran away from home because she peeked into her daughter's diary. An expert asked the mother, "If your colleague had a diary on his desk, would you flip through it?" "Mother said no. Experts told her that the child has grown up and needs to have an independent mental space, and that he should treat him with the same respect as a friend: intimate and bounded.

2. Involve him in family events

As the child grows older, it is even more important to cultivate his sense of responsibility. So be sure to let go and let him have some decision-making power over family matters.

3. Discover your own problems from your child's attitude

When the child begins to disrespect you, you should reflect on whether you have ever behaved disrespectfully to the child, and secondly, whether you have unrestrained love for the child.

4. Pay attention to your child's best friend

We want our children to have friends, but we also want to put an end to unhealthy friendships.

5. Pay attention to your child's interests

Don't easily deny or trivialize your child's interests and hobbies, and if you can, share your interests with him as much as possible.

6. Reduce unnecessary nagging

In a child's adolescence, it is necessary to reduce "nagging", and sometimes it may be more effective for children to "hit the south wall" than ten thousand words of advice.

7. Show pride in his kindness and responsibility

Praise children can't just be judged by academic performance. Pay attention to the child's multi-faceted advantages and give praise in time.

8. You can discuss the opposite sex with your child

You can discuss the opposite sex with your child: who can be a lifelong friend, but cannot be a lover, cannot be a lover, cannot be a partner, and guides the child to establish a correct concept of love.

Third, "I understand the reason, but I can't do it"

Today's parents, most of them have a higher level of education, pay more attention to their children's education, see here, you may skim your lips and say: "Usually motherly kindness and filial piety, tutoring homework chicken flying dog jump, I understand the reason, just can't do it." "We have been talking about how to correctly view, understand and hold children's emotions, but as parents, if our own emotions cannot be recognized, understood and sorted out, our ability to hold children's emotions is limited." Sometimes we can understand and support children as much as possible, but sometimes we will "explode minute by minute".

We need to understand that we need to accept not only our children's emotions, but also our own emotions. Accepting your emotions is also a process of empathy for yourself, that is, purposefully withdrawing yourself from the events of the time, seeing how tired and sleepy you were at that time, how many accumulated emotions, what kind of unmet needs you had... Then, make some adjustments consciously in the days that follow.

ABC observation can be used in behavioral analysis

to record the events and states before their emotions erupted,

How the process of the outbreak escalated or weakened,

Our own feelings after the outburst

and the child's reaction,

Thus knowing roughly which "buttons"

will make their emotions explode,

and these "buttons",

Which are the child's behaviors and emotions,

Which is in their own lives

the backlog of emotions for other reasons,

Thus in the prevention and response

Be aware.

1. Emotional outbursts due to lack of sleep and fatigue. Lack of sleep and fatigue is the basic physiological needs of everyone, in the case of basic physiological needs are deprived of compression for a long time, no one will always have good emotions and patience. So find a way to make some changes.

2. There are also some parents who have been using ineffective treatment in the face of their children's behavior, so some of the child's behaviors always appear repeatedly, and the patience of parents is also consumed.

If this is the case, what we need to tell ourselves is: if one of our methods always fails, then we need to stop and ask ourselves why. Is it that we do not understand the stage of development of the child, and use abstract language to reason the child does not understand, is it that our expectations of the child are too high and we are always frustrated, or do we only see the behavior itself and do not see the child's real feelings and needs?

3. Another more common is the parent's rejection or fear when the child has negative emotions. Many parents have not been respected for their emotions since childhood, and even have been punished and even humiliated by scolding and even humiliation because of the expression of emotions. If these parents don't have access to more correct knowledge and feedback about emotions as they grow up, that perception is imprinted in their brains' memories of crisis responses. When they grow up and see these emotions in their children, they feel anxious and uneasy as if they suddenly heard background music that heralded danger.

At this time, we need some repeated conscious reflection and practice. Through reflection, parents can not only be more sensitive to their children's feelings and needs, but may also heal the hidden wounds of their childhood.

Finally, one more point:

Children or adults,

None of our changes can be done in a day or two.

Especially those of us adults,

Change is really often "spiraling",

Take three steps back one step or even two steps back.

So, don't be depressed and desperate when you retreat,

Tell yourself it takes time,

Looking back,

I'm already in the right direction,

Give yourself a pat on the wrist,

Tell yourself "I can do it".

Mom is happy, the whole family is happy

Happy Goddess Day

(The content is reproduced from the "Guangzhou Education" public account)