"I get up early every day and get dark, for whom?" "The family is very poor, you have to be sensible"... For some children, these complaints from their parents in the name of love are not unfamiliar.
Nowadays, more and more people are beginning to pay attention to the concept of the original family and the important influence of parents. Parents all over the world expect their children to become talents, but that kind of "masochistic" education method may not get the desired results.
Infographic: Graphics and text are irrelevant. Photo by Bao Gansheng
One
Once, because of a show, the term "guilt education" was on the hot search. One mother said that when she tutored her child with homework, she punished herself to improve her child's learning efficiency.
In the daily relationship with the child, parents inevitably have crazy times, the mother is very aware of this, and when getting along with the child, she will consciously control the number of angers, but occasionally she will lose her attitude.
Once, the child had an assignment to memorize and repeated it many times without writing it down. It was about twelve o'clock in the night, and my mother was a perfectionist, and some of them could not control their temper and began to punish themselves.
"Every time she goes to that place, she says it wrong, and I slap myself." Seeing such behavior, the child's expression became particularly frightened.
For the mother's approach, many netizens do not agree: from the surface, the child will have the motivation to actively learn because of the guilt. In fact, parental self-punishment may eventually turn into emotional kidnapping of children, bringing pressure that is difficult to dispel.
Two
"Guilt education" is more common than physical "self-abuse", which is more common than verbal harm, and this way is also more hidden.
Infographic: Graphics and text are irrelevant. Photo by Dong Xiaobin
Psychological counselor Yang Linqiong shared a true story: after the divorce, the mother has been saying to the child, "I am not married for you", and again and again, talking about other things can also turn to this topic.
The mother hoped to motivate the child, but did not expect that over time, this became the child's heart disease, and there was only one thought in her mind: this is all to blame me.
After going to high school, it is difficult to concentrate when studying, the grades decline, the heart is very self-blame, I feel sorry for my mother, there is a continuous emotional depression, anxiety, and it is easy to clash with my classmates.
Complaints with great negative emotions can involve almost all aspects of life, "For this family, I get up early and earn money", "If it weren't for your schooling, I wouldn't have worked so hard"...
The final summary often falls to a point: I have paid so much, even sacrificed my own happiness, you have to be sensible.
These words may be unconscious catharsis, or they may simply want to let the child know that life is not easy. However, what the child feels from it may be a strong sense of guilt: the parents are not doing well, all because of me.
No one can deny the greatness of fatherly love and maternal love. However, when parents use their own efforts as chips to exchange their children's obedience, their role has become the "manipulator" in the intimate relationship.
Three
Children who grow up in "guilt-based education" situations, saddled with regret for their parents, often do not live happily.
In "Little Joy", Song Qian will tell her daughter that she is not living well, her career, friends, and personal life are all insignificant, and she takes care of Yingzi's diet and living, sacrificing too much and too much, intentionally or unintentionally demanding that the child obey.
She denied her daughter's astronomical dreams, and the sensible Hideko did not say anything at first, sacrificing her own feelings, trying to make herself in line with her mother's expectations, and burying all her emotions in her heart.
Image source: Stills from "Little Joy"
Later, Hideko suffered from severe insomnia, and more ironically, she hoped to be admitted to other places and stay away from the family that made her feel depressed.
From different perspectives, it is easy to go astray in understanding one thing: parents feel that the pressure of their children's guilt can be turned into a driving force for progress, which is just a way of education.
For many children, for a long time, parents are the authorities in the process of growing up, and the "guilt education" that is almost "masochistic" can only make children feel fear, and the impact on self-esteem and personality is difficult to eliminate in the short term.
Trying to make the child obey with a sense of guilt can only result in more gains than losses.
Four
"Tateshina Thyrasa, Bandit Artemisia." Mourn your parents, give birth to me. ”
Children have a natural emotional connection with their parents, and it is a natural process to know how to be grateful and give action. "Guilt education" is not a good way to maintain the parent-child relationship.
As mentioned in the article, psychologist Susan Foward defines this type of controlling behavior in the name of love as emotional blackmail. And emotional blackmail works precisely because both parties cherish each other's relationships.
Infographic: Graphics and text are irrelevant. Photo by Yang Bo
Children have no chance to choose whether they are willing to come into this world, and as parents, they cannot regard the payment of their children as a debt of gratitude. Good parent-child education should be a positive guide, a process of family companionship and common growth.
There is a saying that parents have the worst influence on their children than to make them think that they are not living a good life.
A person's personality, three views, way of thinking, etc. are deeply influenced by their parents, and their future will reflect what you looked like back then. So some people say that first-class parents are role models. Working hard to manage life well is the best way to teach children.
Therefore, the healthy love that parents give to their children is not a morally kidnapped way of education, but a way to know respect and allow children to become themselves. The trust and security gained in such love is enough for children to become better selves.
Co-ordination | Zhu Rongyu
Audit | Yang Xiaoxuan
Editor-in-charge | Zhao Haonan, Jia Yuange
Source | China News Network (Reporter: Shangguan Yun). (Disclaimer: The WeChat public account of the "Department of Education of Henan Province" published this article for the purpose of transmitting more information.) If there is a source labeling error or infringement of your legitimate rights and interests, please contact us in time, we will promptly correct, delete or deal with it according to law. ）
Give your child healthy love