Why is it that when writing homework, children are always grinding and unwilling to act? As a family education instructor, I shared a conversation with parents, from which we will find out how much we misunderstand our children, and what is the right way to do it? How do you guide it? Let's elaborate.
On this day, a mother said to me:
"As soon as Cancan let him write his homework, he was worried, crying, and throwing a tantrum, and he was already resistant to writing homework, and he was very resistant and tired!"
As she spoke, she sighed again and said:
"Every time I write my homework, it's a tug-of-war."
I started asking her:
"How's the work list going?"
This was a good idea for this mom before, and I wondered if it didn't work well.
Soon, Bao Ma's reply came:
"The homework list is used very well, that is, it is difficult to go into the state when you start writing, and you can write it for a while."
He added, "He was in pain before he wrote his homework. ”
I told her:
"Yes, that's it, he first aroused bad emotions."
"So I resisted, but when I started, I found it less painful and settled down."
I pondered for a while, and it seemed that Bao Ma did not realize why it was so difficult at the beginning, so I carefully explained to her:
"Writing homework is linked to the child's psychological feelings and emotions.
For example, writing homework now is equal to being criticized, equal to sadness, equal to emotions and feelings such as grievances and sadness. Let's think about it?
Therefore, the child will be very resistant and reluctant to write homework.
So what are we going to change now?
We superficially seem to give children encouragement, praise, homework lists, etc., which is a superficial action, but what is the deep reason?
That is to let this original emotion of his be unlinked from writing homework.
It is what emotions a certain thing corresponds to, first unlock this, re-hook, re-hang what, that is, writing homework equals happiness equals happiness, equals happiness.
So do you think he would be willing to do such a thing? So now all you have to do is unlock first, unhook it, and then re-hook a new emotion.
This is a kind of "heart anchor", to re-give the child a different feeling. ”
It turned out that this was the case, and Bao Ma suddenly realized:
"How can this be changed?"
"Now we must persist, to change the child's heart anchor there is a process, according to the current to insist on encouragement, adhere to positive guidance, you can."
The mother asked again:
"How do I communicate with him before I write my homework?"
"I want to talk, he just wants to play all day now, I have told him to play, you have to finish all the homework, do the homework This is your task, after writing it, you can go to play with the children." 」
I say:
"Tell him, baby, let's start writing homework, Mom wants you to be happy and happy with your homework, you'll get better and better, smarter, more and more careful, right?"
"In this way, it is directly buried in the psychological expectation."
"Whether it is true or not, let's say it first and speed up the process of change."
"Even a sense of ritual before writing homework, such as shouting what I said above, or hugging, clapping, etc."
Mom said,
"He'd say you don't let me play, I just want to play for a while, and the fact is that I've been playing for a long time before I write my homework."
I answered her:
"Well, we can tell him, yes, Mom has time for you to play." So, your mother will give you another five minutes, you can play for another five minutes, and when the time comes, you must go to learn! We agreed. ”
Bao Mom began to reflect:
"This may also be my problem, I am more aggressive, let him write homework immediately now, this is my communication problem, do not consider the child's feelings, the baby should give him a buffer process." 」
I replied to her:
"Don't argue with him here, it shows that the front gave you a long time to play, you also said that you didn't play this, a quarrel is not right, the whole mood is not right." Then we will argue about who will lose against whom, and then the words will often be difficult to continue.
So here, we must say more about the line and less about no. Answer the child that it is okay, you can play a little more and then we will learn.
But be aware that now that you can play a little longer, this is time-limited. ”
Bao Mom said with the same feeling:
"That's how I am! I'll die with him!" ”
I encourage her to:
"Yeah, clever, you see the problem yourself, don't you?"
"No one is good in arguing, you have to go down the slope of the donkey!"
Bao Mom saw her heart again:
"Okay, okay, thank you very much."
"I just can't get past that in my heart."
"No, I have to let him write it now!"
"That's the problem, I have to change!"
Again, I led her to think:
"No need for this, it's obsessive-compulsive disorder!"
"[We] have to prove our control over our children in this way."
"Behind it is distrust of children, lack of confidence in themselves, and too anxious about homework."
Through this communication, the guidance between the mother and the child has made great breakthroughs and progress.
Do we see it?
Children are reluctant to start writing homework, simply because the thought of writing homework is an unpleasant emotion, so they will escape. And our approach must be to convert emotions into positives and carry out positive guidance. Through continuous efforts, children change their perception of homework.
How, is it enlightening to us? Welcome to leave a message to discuss.
I am a Ting dad, a 10-year-old daughter, a creator in the field of high-quality parenting, a family education instructor, a post-70s uncle, a parenting and education master who loves and thinks, welcome to pay attention, forward, like and comment, more parenting and education issues can communicate with me. Make parenting easier and education more effective