Behind every seemingly "sudden" rebellious child, there is an outburst of disappointment after disappointment;
Parents love their son as he is, not as you wish.
Author | Grape Mama
Source | Mom hugs the original
I saw a video online before.
Liu Yiming, a 16-year-old boy, played outside until three o'clock in the morning before returning home.
In the living room, Mom stood by, Dad sat on the couch waiting for him, he didn't say a word, went straight to the couch and sat paralyzed.
Looking at his hanging child Lang Dang's appearance, the mother taught the child in a serious tone:
What time do you see now? Is this something a kid your age should do...
As a result, before he could say a few words, the child had a big fight with his parents, and then slammed the door and walked out of the house.
Her mother's close pursuit made Liu Yiming more resistant.
His parents couldn't understand why he had suddenly become so rebellious, helpless and disappointed.
It's just that the child's rebellion is really sudden?
I remember Professor Li Meijin once said:
"The problems of minors are lagging behind, and when you find that children are difficult to manage, in fact, the problem has already appeared."
There is a reason behind all the behavior of the child.
And those deep-seated reasons are often small things that parents ignore.
Emotional neglect of parents
It is cold violence inflicted on children
In Liu Yiming's growth process, his parents gave him materials, but never paid attention to his inner needs.
In the third year of junior high school, he was bullied by others, but his parents never cared, let alone helped him out.
From childhood to adulthood, his parents scolded him for his education, and never really cared about him.
Up to now, Dad not only did not admit that he had scolded him, but also asked:
"How many children have not been beaten by their parents?"
"I'll give you food, I'll give you clothes, I'll give you something to use."
But the son asked:
"Did you give me love?"
A hoarse rhetorical question left both parents dumbfounded.
In the final analysis, parents' emotional neglect of their children is the root of their children's rebellion.
I remember that in "Teacher Please Answer", there was a boy named Shao Wei.
Although his parents are busy with work in Beijing, he has always had excellent grades and is well-behaved and obedient.
But after the sixth grade, he began to become more and more rebellious: not writing homework, skipping school, and arguing with his parents.
In order to make Shaowei better, his parents tried to let him transfer to his hometown, but when they saw that the situation did not improve, they let him transfer to Tianjin alone.
Later, in addition to asking his parents for money, Shao Wei was almost reluctant to see his parents, let alone communicate with them.
Do you think children really don't care about their parents?
After the psychology teacher gave the boys a sand table test, the results were diametrically opposed.
Of the four dolls representing family members, he chose the smallest doll to represent himself.
Because he felt that this smallest needed protection the most.
Although he always said that his parents only needed to give him money, he could do the rest by himself.
But when he lived alone in Tianjin, every night, he turned on all the lights in the house.
He also said to his father:
"Shouldn't you accompany me and make me breakfast when I go to school?"
He doesn't study at school, doesn't write homework, is very rebellious, and it's also because as long as he gets into trouble, the teacher will notify the parents, and his parents will appear.
The teacher who gave the child a sand table test said:
"Behind some of the bad behavior of children, it is all to attract the attention of others."
Rebellion is just the last weight for children to seek attention.
In the book Neglected Children, it is written:
"Any parent in the world has ever made an educational mistake that disappoints their child, but what is really harmful is the emotional neglect of parents, which is that they have been turning a deaf ear to their children's emotional needs and turning a blind eye."
The problem of children's rebellion is not only misbehavior, but also the desire for love in the heart.
The book "Decoding Adolescence" mentions a "push bar effect":
When people are riding a wooden roller coaster, they will repeatedly push the lever to check whether the lever is safe.
Rebellious children, like checking the push bar, need repeated temptations to confirm the love of their parents.
Parental control in the name of love
It is a disaster for parent-child relationships
In Liu Yiming's home, my mother is a teacher and my father is a doctor.
All along, Dad hoped that Liu Yiming could go to medical school and inherit the mantle.
Therefore, after Liu Yiming graduated from junior high school, his father forced his son to go to health school.
It's just that the future planned by his parents, Liu Yiming doesn't want it.
So Liu Yiming only stayed in the health school for a year before dropping out.
Later, in front of the camera, he said:
"He rejected such a thing in his heart because of his inner resistance to his father."
There is a question about the impact of parental control on children, and one answer is as follows:
"My rebellious psychology is strong enough that if parents say something in a commanding tone, even if I know it's right, I will never do it."
How controlling is his mother?
From childhood to adulthood, what school he wants to take in the college entrance examination, all his mother has the final say.
Even if he said which school he wanted to go to, his mother would just throw out a sentence of "I'm all for your own good" and decide for him.
He had protested, but his mother said:
"You don't have the ability to distinguish yet, and I'm afraid you'll take a detour."
Gradually, his resistance grew, and the gap between mother and son became larger and larger.
Mom told him to go east, he went west; Mom wouldn't let him do anything, the more he did.
Obviously, it is the closest mother and son, but it is the same as water and fire.
In fact, the child's sudden rebellion is just enough dissatisfaction with the parents, and it is a long-suppressed catharsis.
Under the control of parents, the child's rebellion is a determination to flee.
It's like the overrun effect in psychology:
If it is too late, things will be reversed.
It's like flying a kite, the thread in your hand is only pulled, and sooner or later it will break.
Children are independent individuals, they have their own ideas, they are eager to control their own lives and go on the path they want to go.
They are never our appendages.
Give children a little more breathing space, and education will have room to play.
Parental denial
It is most likely to make children give up on themselves
The uninterrupted denial of parents is also a thorn in Liu Yiming's heart.
After junior high school, Liu Yiming's grades were considered to be middle school in school.
But this academic performance, parents do not look bad.
So in the eyes of his parents, he is a person who can't do anything well and doesn't do anything wrong.
When he was young, because of some things and fights with others, his parents always blamed him for not saying a word, even if it was obviously him who was wronged.
In life, in addition to constantly denying him, his parents have hardly given him a word of recognition and encouragement.
A child who has never been affirmed by his parents is the easiest path to take is self-abandonment and rebellion.
A counselor shared a story.
There was a girl who, growing up, was often told by her mother that she was as stupid as a pig.
At first, she really thought she was stupid.
But one day, she found that her mother would praise her cleverness in front of other people, and in front of her, she would use the hardest words to say that she was not good, that was not good.
For example, if she gets up a little late, her mother will say:
"If you do this again, your whole life will be over."
Watching her eat a little more, her mother would say:
"If you eat like this, you'll be as fat as a pig, and no one will want you."
She was admitted to the civil service and had a good job, and her mother would say:
"People like you, interpersonal relationships are not handled well, you have no point in this unit."
She knew what kind of person her mother wanted her to be, but these hurtful words made her feel revenge.
She wants to get revenge on her mother by destroying herself.
So she started eating and drinking and making herself very fat; she quit her job and hung out in front of her mother every day.
She took her mother's negative feedback about her and sat down.
Seeing her mother's heartbroken and angry look, she felt very happy in her heart.
When parents use various verbal violences such as accusations, complaints, sarcasm, ridicule, etc. as a tool to educate their children, the children will also use an extremely negative means to fight back.
The most commonly used counterattack method for children is to sit on all the "charges" and find ways to destroy the self that their parents want in their minds.
This rebellion is both a torture to parents and a warning.
Language is powerful.
It can be a weapon to attack others, or it can be a nutrient that makes people upwards.
When we express our expectations for our children, only good words can be truly said into the hearts of children.
Let the child receive the love and affirmation of the parents, and the child will give us the response we want.
The child's rebellion is certainly angry and frightening, but this knot is not a dead knot.
The key lies in the actions of parents.
Let the child feel love, is the foundation of education
I've seen a fable like this:
A large lock hung on the gate, and the iron rod could not pry it open with all its might. Then the key came, and it was only opened with a gentle touch, and the big lock was opened.
The iron rod asked strangely:
"Why did I open it with so much effort, but you opened it so easily?"
The key says:
"Because I know his heart best."
The same is true when getting along with children, only by learning to listen to children's words, entering the child's heart, and letting the child unload his heart, can he better educate his children.
Only by keeping the child's self-esteem can we keep the child's heart
Someone once asked, why do parents scold children as soon as they preach?
One of the answers goes something like this:
"It's not because the child is rebellious and extreme, so he can't talk to his parents well."
Rather, it is the parents who criticize their children with an accusatory tone from the beginning.
Children are not stupid, and they will not let scolding and not resist. ”
All respect is mutual.
We expect our children to treat us in such a way and attitude, and we treat our children in this way and with attitude first.
Pay more attention to the child's dynamics in order to stop the child's mistakes in time
Some rebels will hide behind the quiet silence.
Some abnormal behavior of children often represents a bad change behind them.
Therefore, parents should pay more attention to the same behavior of their children, and do not ignore their abnormal behavior because their children are too well-behaved.
At all times, be sure to treat children as adults
The psychologist and philosopher Fromm said:
"The opposite of education is manipulation, which is based on a lack of confidence in the growth of the child's potential, believing that only adults can guide children what to do and what not to do, and only such manipulation is wrong."
If the parents always control the child as a ruler, the child may temporarily surrender on the surface, but also lock in a real twisted soul inside.
Each child is an independent individual who will have their own thoughts and actions.
Only when we treat the child as an adult will the child truly become a mature and sensible person.
There is love before there is fertility.
Love is always the most important thing in education.
The rebellion of no child is sudden.
Nor is there a child whose rebellion is incurable.
Many times, it is in the process of our children's growth that we use the wrong way of education, which leads to children using "rebellion" as a weapon to protect themselves.
In fact, every rebellious child is like a small hedgehog full of thorns, which looks aggressive on the surface, but is actually very soft on the inside.
They always want to be noticed, understood, loved.
Click "watching", only if we can enter the child's heart, can we really have the qualifications to educate the child.
* This article is the original mother hugging group, the mother's hard work and happiness, we all understand; the growth and exchange platform of mothers, welcome to pay attention.
*The pictures in this article are partly from the figureworm idea.
Remember to click "Watching" before you go