A fan message:
My mother used to summon me, no matter how big or small. Like some sesame small things, I can obviously do it, I have to call to do it.
For example, even if the water is next to her, she will call me to pour water for her; For example, cooking must make me play next to her, but just put oil and salt; I also like to call me in front of outsiders, it is really annoying, I feel like an object being shown off...
In fact, it's not that I don't want to work, brushing dishes and sweeping the floor, mopping the floor, washing clothes and cleaning the room, I can do it, but I am annoyed that she knows that she can complete it very easily but must support the personality of people.
My personality is that I don't want to trouble others, and I don't like others to trouble me, and my idea is: why do I have to ask others to "help" what I can easily accomplish?
If I refused, my mother would be furious, and immediately she would say how difficult it was for me to raise me, and I didn't expect to raise a white-eyed wolf or something like that kidnapped me so that I couldn't refute it.
I am very uncomfortable and depressed, is this a common disease of Chinese parents? Or is it just that I've had this experience??
This is a question that is quite resentful in the heart. In psychological counseling, many clients will encounter such troubles, searched online, and there are many people with similar experiences who are talking.
A: This is also the case in my family... Really speechless... Growing up, I was called upon to come up with the idea that I had to move out of this home when I worked.
B: I can understand your feelings very well, I came here in pain, I didn't feel any warmth and love in the house, I have been morally kidnapped and called upon, and my parents' upbringing of me has only raised me.
C: Oh my God, that's how my parents were, and what's even more excessive is that my mom didn't like it when she saw me resting, and always tried her best to keep me busy, imperatively letting me do this and that. I was so suffocated, I really felt that I was not their child but a servant.
D: My parents take it for granted, think that they gave birth to you and raised you so big, eat, wear, live and travel all use mine, let you do something what's wrong?! As long as I go home, my parents will "specially" leave a lot of work for me to do.
E: I grew up as a slave at home.
F: Whether it's when I was a student or now working, I try to avoid going home. I am very tired of being at home, I like the dormitory and the company, and my roommates and colleagues will care about me when they talk well, help each other with me, and feel that going home is a burden. Since I am called every day at home, I will directly say "no" when I meet the person who summons me now, and I am not used to such a person.
There are too many people who are called by their parents from childhood to adulthood, which means that many parents are very fond of calling their children.
The word "summons" has both a sense of control and authority, and a sense that the child is subordinate to the parents: I gave birth to you, and you have to do things for me.
So, what kind of psychology is such a parent? There may be some people who think that parents are too "lazy", but many "lazy" parents and children are very democratic. Behind the love of parents to call their children, there are more of these two kinds of psychology:
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01
Fear of getting out of control and finding yourself in control of others
Many Chinese parents have no ego and don't know what they really are.
A person without an ego, self-worth is extremely unstable, often will have a feeling of loss of control.
◎ Unable to accept the feeling of "out of control", I want to grasp something and try to seek "certainty and affirmation" outwardly.
They themselves are unable to give themselves a sense of security and positive evaluation, and their self-confidence is not in their own hearts, but in the respectful eyes of others. They can only see themselves in the obedience, greeting, and praise of others.
To this end, some parents will show authority by calling their children, allowing them to listen to their words like their own hands and feet, in order to confirm their absolute control over the parent-child relationship.
In particular, some parents have no status in society, lack ability, are not respected and recognized, and want to be compensated at home and enjoy the feeling of supporting others like leaders, so the child becomes the lowest cost control object.
Parents without ego, lack of the ability to truly love, and do not allow children to live a free "me".
In the face of such controlled parents, most children will instinctively resent, irritable and resist, feel very depressed, uncomfortable, and feel that home is a burden.
But there is a situation where some children do not see this as a burden and are willing to be called. Some people over-take on the chores of the family as children, often willing to be constantly called, through this "sensible" way to seek the love and affirmation of their parents. In life, they are very considerate, completely concerned about others, and even do not think about themselves, which is painful.
02
Lack of a sense of boundaries
Bondarev said:
The root cause of all human suffering stems from a lack of a sense of boundaries. This is true of power boundaries, rule boundaries, and relationship boundaries.
Most parents who lack a sense of boundaries will have this idea: You were born to me, you have to do things for me.
They lack empathy, do not feel the needs of their children, and do not know how to respect them. These parents regard their children as appendages, call their children at will, and even arbitrarily intervene in their children's marriages, career choices, etc., just to let the children go step by step according to their own will and designed life.
When children say they refuse or can't do it, even if it's a small thing, they shout uncontrollably, even yelling, kicking and beating, all kinds of moral kidnapping, making the child feel very confused and suffocated: Are parents crazy? How can such a small thing make such a big fire?
◎ In fact, this relationship between control and loss of control is like a mother-baby relationship.
Babies before 6 months of age are the worst in ability, the basic needs of eating, drinking, and playing cannot be solved, relying on their parents to survive, and they are symbiotic with their mothers, who control and dominate their mothers through crying.
Babies have a sense of omnipotence: I am God, and as soon as I move my mind, the outside world should come according to my ideas.
If the baby is hungry and the mother fails to provide milk in time, the baby will lose her temper and cry because the baby is facing the threat of starvation, which is very scary.
Although many parents are physically adults, they are psychologically "giant babies" who have not yet grown up. Their parent-child relationship with their children is reversed, they are not grown babies, but they rely on and control their children as symbiotic mothers to maintain their baby-like sense of omnipotence.
Once the child has behaviors that make them feel out of control, such as disobedience, it is equivalent to their symbiotic mother not listening to the call, which is undoubtedly a devastating blow to the baby-like parents, they will have a sense of loss of control like how the hands and feet do not listen to the call, the sky collapses, followed by the baby-like anger.
It is the borderless and arbitrary interference in the child's life that leads to the tension and alienation of the relationship between parents and children, parents feel that they have been disappointed, and children feel controlled like marionettes.
In the end, the child is full of resentment towards his parents, and when he has the ability to resist, he will spare no effort to accuse and reject.
As children, there is nothing wrong with helping parents do things and sharing family chores. But if you are constantly called, it is excessive. What children need is that the self is respected as an independent individual, and parents should not be morally kidnapped and called at will, and they should not control and restrict the development of children in the name of love.
In the face of immature parents, you need to wake up and learn to be self-reliant like an adult. Recognize the emotional immaturity of your parents, pay more attention to yourself, awaken true feelings, learn to express and reject, and try to get rid of the shackles.
If you are a parent, you also need to educate yourself and keep learning when you educate your children.
First of all, always reflect on it, when you let your child do something, are you meeting your child's needs, or your own needs? Do you distinguish between your things and my things?
Second, in the process of educating children, is freedom and respect given?
Finally, bravely face the shortcomings and fears of life, rather than controlling others in the shortcomings and fears. Constantly improve their personality, but also guide their children to live a real life.
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