This may not be the easiest topic to discuss with younger children.
Making death part of a normal conversation is essential for children of all ages. But young people in particular benefit because the concept of the end of life is confusing and they often don't have enough vocabulary to adequately express their feelings. Learn how to gently ask this topic to toddlers and preschoolers, and what to do when family members suffer losses.
Try to help your child understand death before it has a major impact on their lives. When my daughter was a toddler, I talked about our dead houseplor and I told her it wasn't alive anymore, and what it meant: it could no longer absorb water or grow in the sun. I must add that it cannot come back because death is something eternal and young children are the hardest to understand.
Other ways to bring up this topic are to show your child a butterfly that died on the porch or a fruit that is alive but now looks rotten, and even a bursting bubble can show how everything ended.
If it appears in a movie, or when death has an impact on your family, such as when a neighbor dies. The more you talk about death — and what it means — the less your child will be afraid and confused when it happens to family members.
Share sad news directly
Try to avoid euphemisms like 'she's in a better place' as they may scare or confuse younger children. Instead, talk to your child in a familiar place where there are their favorite toys nearby to help them feel comfortable. Then, when they play, be honest and specific, even if it sounds a little cold: "You can say, 'xx's dead.'" When people die, their bodies stop working, and they can't eat, walk, or play and never see again. ”
If your child's response is to ask if the person's body can be repaired, say, "When the body stops working, it can never start over." ”
But it's also common for toddlers to have no problems, so don't worry if your child doesn't seem interested. In fact, even if you cry, your child may not cry. Younger children don't have the same level of emotion as adults because they don't fully understand the concept of death.
Finally, make sure your child knows it's not their fault. Preschoolers tend to think the world revolves around them, so they may feel a sense of misguided blame. Reassure your child that they are not doing anything and that no one can stop death from happening.
Spend the first few days
After you've lost someone you love, try to stick to your child's normal life. This may help alleviate some of the behavioral changes common to young children, such as acting silly or excessive, or returning to old habits like thumb sucking.
Expect your child to keep asking you what happened or when your relative or pet will come back. Day after day, they may ask you the same question. Don't think they're looking for deeper meaning because they're not. They need you to answer questions consistently, even though it's painful, because it will help them start to grasp the outcome of death.
Remember that you don't need to hide your feelings from your child or pretend that everything is fine. If they see you crying, explain how you feel and why, and you can respond. For example, you could say, 'I'm sad because I miss your grandmother.' ”
4 big emotions to talk about with your child
During this time, you may find that your child performs scenes about death, which is a healthy way to process their feelings. Their game is like a book that you can read to understand their ideas, and they may have some misconceptions that you can clarify. For example, if your child pretends to be feeding ice cream to a doll and then the doll suddenly falls ill and dies, you can step in and say, 'You know, your uncle's heart stopped working because his heart was sick and the doctor couldn't help him.' It's really not because he ate anything. ”
Handling funerals
"Whether young children should be allowed to attend funerals is the number one question parents ask me," yes, get your children ready for the funeral and give them as much choice as possible so they feel more in control.
After that, go ahead and help your child remember the person you love. You can put their photo album on the table so they can read it with you when they're ready. The healing process will take time, but you will spend it together.
Do not send incorrect information
These classic lines seem easy to interpret, but children may misunderstand them.
"He fell asleep and didn't wake up." Unless you want your child to stay awake for the rest of their lives, avoid associating sleep with death.
"God needs xx to be with Him." This belief may bring you comfort, but children do not have the cognitive ability to understand it. If you tell your children that God loves someone and wants to take them to heaven, they may start behaving misbehaving because they are afraid that if they are too good, God will want to take them.
"Let's not cry about it." Quite the opposite – you shouldn't suppress your own emotions or your child's emotions. When you grieve in front of your child, you are shaping healthy behavior.