These days in a group of girlfriends chatting, I heard a story that I could not calm down for a long time.
Xiao Xin is an enviable mother, a family of three, a stable husband and wife, and a daughter who is in the third grade of primary school.
The fly in the ointment is the daughter's academic performance that has not improved.
As a woman who has been excellent all the way, she has always been unwilling to be willing to think about it, and she wants to find the reason through video surveillance, and what went wrong in the process of educating her daughter.
So one day, Xiaoxin secretly installed cameras in various corners of the house without her husband and daughter.
Xiao Xin said that although she knew that it was inappropriate, there was really no way to do it.
The "truth" that was accidentally uncovered
Later, through the scene in the video surveillance replay, Xiao Xin herself was shocked.
Shot 1:
One second the couple was still talking softly to their daughter, and the next second when they talked about a topic that their daughter repeatedly wrote wrong, the expression of gritted teeth and angry anger on their faces could almost be described as "vicious".
At this time, the girl sitting at the table subconsciously curled up her small body and covered her ears in pain.
Lens 2:
The couple discussed their daughter's studies in the bedroom. The speed of speech became faster and faster, the voice became louder and louder, and the emotions of the two people quickly switched between anger and indifference.
At this time, the daughter sitting next door seemed to be obediently studying, but in fact, her ears were standing up to listen to her parents, and her small face was full of nervous expressions.
Shot Three:
The couple once again quarreled over their children's learning. At a certain point, the wife's emotions are a little out of control, and when she says a certain sentence, her voice suddenly rises an octave!
At this moment, the daughter sitting at the desk was like a frightened little rabbit, rubbing up from her seat, stunned for a moment, and then slowly sat down again...
After watching the monitoring, Xiaoxin realized what her child had been suffering all along. Surveillance video is like a mirror, reflecting the "abominable face" of oneself in the daily education of children.
The most frightening thing is that such a horrific scene full of emotional tension is staged in this small family every day.
The emotions of parents affect the child's life
In fact, in the process of raising children, we often ignore the impact of our own emotions on children.
Recently, a young mother in Beijing quarreled with her husband over trivial matters, and was so emotional that she planned to jump out of the 11th floor window.
The child's father struggled to drag. The young child could only look helplessly and howl, "Mommy, Mommy! ”
Fortunately, at that time, the police kicked open the security door and dragged the mother back to the house firmly, avoiding a tragedy.
The mother's life has been saved, but how can the deep scars left in the child's heart be filled? In the news, we often see too many children becoming "emotional payers of their parents.".
It is not uncommon for parents to quarrel and throw their children in shopping malls, airports and other places in one breath, and it is not uncommon for them to go their separate ways.
These parental actions may be too extreme. But in life, because of work pressure, husband and wife relationships, family disputes, and children's academic pressure, parents' emotional out-of-control behaviors abound.
Many real-world examples show:
If parents do not control their emotions and show some overly extreme reactions in front of their children, it may cause trauma to the child.
Children are likely to form some post-traumatic stress disorder in their future lives, and may even develop personality disorders and mental problems.
In kindergarten or elementary school, we often see individual children who are irritable, aggressive, and unhappy.
Generally speaking, the relationship between the parents of such children is very tense.
The unstable emotions of parents will not only cause children's personality defects, but also cause psychological disorders, language development delays and other phenomena.
Once in a first-grade Chinese observation class, I heard a child share her work "Home":
"I have a home, a dad, a mom, and me, this obedient doll. I love Daddy, I love Mommy..."
The child is very serious but stuttering, and at this moment, the parents of the children around me, the tears are slowly flowing...
The conversation after class made me understand that in the past, they would often be competitive when they encountered big things and small things, and they would quarrel regardless of it.
They had a big argument when the child was more than one year old. After that, they found that the child who was learning to speak suddenly had less to say, and he was very nervous as soon as he spoke, and slowly appeared to have obvious stuttering.
In the process of seeking medical treatment, the doctor's answer surprised them, but they regretted it.
It turned out that the parents' willful and indulgent quarrels had a direct impact on the child's psychological development and character development, triggering the child's stuttering.
Impulsive behavior of parents
The damage to children is enormous
In the Oscar best animated short film "Bao Bao", Bao Bao did not listen to his mother's words and insisted on moving out, and his mother suddenly grabbed him angrily and ate him into his stomach.
The tearful look and the fact that she had been in bed for several days without eating showed how much regret my mother had. She hurt him so much that she accidentally saw the bun turn into a baby, and she loved it so much.
She never thought that he would grow up and leave her, and she did not expect that one day, she would eat him on impulse.
Although the reality is not so exaggerated, the impulsive treatment of children by parents abounds:
"Once, I was in a hurry to take my child out of the house, the child could not get up, I pulled hard in anger, and the child's hands were dislocated."
"At night, I asked the child to wash up, and he didn't move at all, and as soon as my fire came up, I broke the toothbrush in half."
"My child went to junior high school and one day said I wouldn't be a father, and for the first time in my life I slapped him in the face."
"Accompanying the child to do homework, she did not pay attention, so angry that I tore her homework book."
......
Most parents take care of their children carefully, but it is inevitable that in the process of loving their children, they often treat their children impulsively because of anger.
The child's beaten body will recover, but the damage to the child's soul is unimaginably huge and far-reaching, which is often not perceived and known.
Because the child is crying or unusually quiet after being traumatized, it may not be noticed and discovered because the parents are in a rage.
The resulting problems of language development delay, personality defects, and psychological disorders in children are a long process.
Many young parents don't attribute these problems to their own emotional control. Because they are unaware of the harm they have suffered, they often make the tragedy repeat itself, making the child's spiritual wounds worse.
Emotionally stable parents
It is the source of a child's sense of security throughout his life
There is a saying that goes like this:
"The lucky ones heal their whole lives with childhood, and the unfortunate people heal their childhood with a lifetime."
Children are as sensitive to changes in their parents' mood as rheumatologists are to changes in the weather.
Those who carefully observe the color of speech are learned from their parents over time.
Writer Yin Jianli said:
"The three points you throw at your child will cause seven points of harm to your child."
But everyone has a bad mood, everyone has a time when they can't suppress their emotions, parents to achieve emotional stability, can start from their own peace of mind, let go of the control of their children.
1. Peace of mind
Parents stay with their children for the longest time, are the child's first teacher, and every word and deed of parents will affect the child subtly.
A person's soft emotions should be calm, only when the mentality is calm, not impatient about things, and calm in the face of things can control their emotions.
Don't transfer the pressure of work and life to your children, learn to empty yourself every day, empty your bad emotions, and calm down and think about it.
Don't be anxious, use a stable mood to shield the family from the wind and rain. Only when the parents' emotions are stable, the family atmosphere will be good, and the children can have a better growth environment.
Children are sensitive, and once they feel your inner peace, they will also become calm. In other words, a calm parent will make the child feel fully at ease.
As a result, their sense of security is built, and they are able to explore more intently in a reassuring atmosphere.
On the contrary, when the parent's heart is full of restlessness, panic and instability, the child also feels restlessness and restlessness.
Manifestations are emotional irritability and behavioral inability to focus on one thing, especially the inability to concentrate on learning.
2. Let go of control
Many parents are accustomed to being a conductor, always wanting their children to do what they want, and the slightest deviation will be angry. In fact, if parents are too strong, it is easy to cause emotional ups and downs and not soft enough.
Someone once said: Parents learn to show weakness, and children can grow up healthily. When you think about it, this sentence really makes a lot of sense.
Strong parents are like the sun, which will block the light emitted by the child himself, and it is more effective to encourage education than to fight education.
If you often lose your temper, you must reflect on whether in the fast-paced life, we have high expectations and idealized requirements for ourselves, children, others, and the environment.
For example, the child must listen to me, must study well, must take the initiative to complete the homework in time, must be better than the neighbor's child...
We have to learn to let go of these "must" attachments in our minds.
Unreasonable beliefs or unrealistic expectations, learning to encourage children to walk on their own, and correcting mistakes for him when they make mistakes, is more meaningful than charting a path forward for him.
Parents' emotions are a river, and children are trees on the shore.
Parents' soft emotions can promote the better growth of children, and the soft emotions of parents are the treasure of children's lives - it can make children calmly and at their own pace walk their own lives.
Parents' emotional stability, family harmony, and unconditional love for children are the source of children's sense of security, belonging, and value, and they are also the basis for their sound personality and happy life.
Especially when the child is young, his sense of self is not yet mature, the parents are his world, and the child sees himself in the eyes of the parents.
Family education is an art, but also a practice of parents' hearts and wisdom.
Every child is different and precious, growth is more important than achievements, adults are more important than talents, and life is more important than everything.
Click to watch, and share with more parents to see together, control their emotions is a compulsory course for parents, but also the best gift for parents to give their children.