I believe that there are no parents in the world who do not love their children, but many parents hurt their children with words every day. There is a saying that is very touching: some people have been curing their childhood all their lives, and some people have been cured by childhood all their lives.
Lai Peixia, an orator in "Super Speaker", said: You are full of love, but your face is vicious!
Have you said the following negative, numerical words to your child?
"How many times have I told you this question, why not?"
"How can you be so stupid!"
"Cry what you cry, what is there to be afraid of!"
How would you feel if you were called stupid and not understood?
What are the harms of denial?
Children who are often denied are prone to low self-esteem
When a child is young, his ability to bear and judge is not yet perfect, and he is easily affected by the words of others. If parents often say no to their children, the children will become more and more inferior, feel that they are very bad, and can't do anything well.
Napoleon Hill once said, "The only limitation in one's growth is the limit in one's own heart." ”
Elephants can easily lift a ton of objects with their long snouts, but they are easily tied to a stake. The reason is that when the elephant was young, it was tied to the iron pillar by a heavy iron chain, and no matter how much force was used to pull it, the iron pillar did not move. As the baby elephant grows up, its strength also increases, but because of its childhood experience, as long as there is a pile around it, it does not dare to move.
The language that parents deny is like chains and iron stakes, planting a seed of inferiority in the young mind of the child, as it grows up and takes root, encounters difficult things, will think that they can't do it well, so they simply don't do it.
It is easy to form a flattering personality
Teacher Fan Deng said in the book "Accompanying Children to Grow For Life": A person's inner energy comes from love, and unconditional love can bring trust, respect and security.
The fundamental reason for the formation of a flattering personality is that children rarely receive "unconditional love" from their parents in the original family, and the parents' love for their children shows conditional love.
Did you say the following to your child?
"You didn't take the double hundred, and you didn't buy toys."
"I didn't win the first prize when I participated in the competition, and the tour was canceled."
These are all conditional love, and if they do not meet the expectations of their parents, they will not get the encouragement and appreciation of their parents, and all they will get is the denial and disapproval of their parents.
In order to avoid parental denial, accusation or scolding, children will deliberately do those things that can meet the expectations and needs of parents, over time, will internalize the needs of parents into their own needs, and when they grow up, they will form a flattering personality, blindly belittle themselves, deny themselves, and please others.
Children who are often denied tend to go to extremes
A father was busy, asking his eight-year-old daughter to find something, but the child was not found, so the father had to look for it himself, and when he found it, he said to the little girl: "What use do you want!" This dad may have been just an unintentional mantra, but this sentence deeply stimulated her, and she has since become introverted and taciturn.
Verbal violence does no less harm to children than physical abuse.
Parents are very authoritative for their children, living in an environment that is denied by their parents for a long time, and there is nowhere to vent their grievances, and they may go to violence or even go astray.
How should parents communicate with their children?
Control your emotions and learn to listen
Children also need to listen, no matter what the child does, parents should give the child a chance to speak, do not rush to deny. If the parent listens attentively to the child's needs, the child will be willing to tell you what he really thinks in his heart, and sometimes, what the child needs is for the parents to empathize with them.
Don't blame your child easily
Everyone has their own emotions, and so do children. There is no right or wrong in emotions, all emotions should be accepted, but certain behaviors must be limited.
When the child has some bad behavior, parents should gently and firmly tell the child that such behavior is not right, can not have such behavior, tell the child what is the harm of such behavior. Blindly blaming children without telling them what to do has little educational effect.
Give your child more positive feedback
Children who are appreciated at home are more willing to set higher goals for themselves.
Many parents believe that being strict with their children is good for their children, but being too harsh and not even having a word of encouragement is easy for children to fall into self-doubt and self-denial.
Giving more positive feedback to children will make children more confident and positive, and can also improve the parent-child relationship.
Children need encouragement, more need parents praise, even if the child has a little progress, parents must praise and praise, children will do better and better in praise, because children also want to become excellent. A successful experience leads to more success. On the contrary, often deny the child, the child will be inferior, habitually deny himself, set limits for himself, and do nothing in the future.