Today is the 3027th day of intensive reading jun to accompany you throughout your lifelong growth
Before seeing the book "Allow Children to Make Mistakes", I accompanied my three-year-old children to read the picture book story "It's Okay to Make Mistakes".
Remember the book:
It doesn't matter if the milk spills out, you can always clean it up.
It's okay to try different directions, you'll always have new discoveries.
It's okay not to know the answer, asking questions helps you learn.
It doesn't matter if you're in a bad mood, your friends will encourage you.
It doesn't matter if you fall, you can always get up. It's okay to wear two different socks, someone else might try it too.
......
Everyone has "ah, bad" times, and that's how you learn.
Sometimes,
It's okay to make mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes
Even adults!
That's how we learn.
When rational, we all know that it doesn't matter if a child makes a mistake, and every mistake of a child is an opportunity to grow.
As a Soviet writer once said, "Every child grows up making mistakes as a tuition fee that must be paid to make progress."
In reality, in the process of accompanying children to grow, the most we say is:
"Why don't you do it yet?"
"Why don't you obey?"
"Did you do what I said?"
"Why can't you take the initiative to do it?"
……
As parents, we know to allow our children to make mistakes, but we don't know why; more importantly, we know that making mistakes is to guide children to experience and grow from this fault, but we don't know how to guide them.
Fortunately, there is Lacey's book "Allow Children to Make Mistakes". She tells us that for their children to succeed, parents must allow their children to trial and error, trust their children, and believe that they are capable of making mistakes - correcting mistakes - growing" cycle.
01
Awaken your child's internal drive
The first thing mentioned in the book is the internal drive to awaken the child.
The internal driving force, in layman's terms, is the driving force of one's own heart.
People with internal drive do not need external incentives, but out of their own inner needs and desires, or out of their own interests and hobbies, to be able to keep moving forward in the face of setbacks.
The corresponding external drive is to achieve a certain purpose. For example, the high score is only to satisfy the vanity of the parents and make the parents happy, not for their own ideals.
Exploration is the intrinsic drive of human beings to do anything, and the power of "I do" is far greater than "I obey". This is especially true for children.
Therefore, this "I do" to awaken the child is more directed to the core than any external drive.
How to awaken the child's internal drive?
Autonomy – Let the child take the initiative to discover how great he is
If you want a child to become "independent and autonomous", you need to give the child the "right to choose independently" and "the obligation to bear the consequences", so as to stimulate the child's "autonomy"; when the child has "autonomy", it will produce the willingness to do things, and this "willingness to do things" is the root of the child's "initiative".
What parents have to do is to discover their children's interests and satisfy them; at the same time, create opportunities for children to do it independently, such as eating by themselves, getting dressed and going downstairs, opening the door by themselves, washing their own face and bathing, etc.
Children take the initiative to do it themselves, not because they are afraid of punishment, nor to get rewards from adults, but just because they like it, they are willing to take the time to do it.
In this way, the child will feel the satisfaction and joy of the heart.
Japanese educator Shinichi Suzuki said, "With the feeling of genius, you will become a genius; with the feeling of a hero, you will become a hero." When a child finds the feeling of a good child, he will become a good child. ”
Competence – I can do it, I'm more willing to do it
Children are born with a desire to gain a sense of competence, they spend a lot of time exploring and controlling the world, and they are eager to gain parental approval in the process.
Let them feel that they are capable of doing it, and they are more willing to continue to work hard to do it.
Remember the first time your child took a pen to draw lines? Riding a bike for the first time?
The confident and excited look they looked at was really great. They will feel that they are very powerful, and they will send out a sense of satisfaction from the heart, which can dispel the inferiority complex.
When children believe that they can do it and have this sense of strength, they have enough courage to do it, dare to do it, and awaken their inner strength.
Many of our parents now get angry when they see their children not being active in their studies, or indulging in fun. When they see children learning slowly, or when they can't learn, they will scold, saying that children are not angry, or that they are not the material for reading, and even saying that they are stupid. Doing so will only frustrate the child's enthusiasm for learning.
We want our children to be confident, brave, curious about the world, and have a heartfelt desire to learn new knowledge, so we must let the children believe in themselves, which is the premise that he can drive himself.
Therefore, we must remember to give them positive encouragement so that children have self-confidence and inner satisfaction.
Help children get a sense of competence, confident children, the future is the sea of stars.
Growth mindset - the internal driving force of continuous progress
In the book "Growing Up with Children for Life", there is a pillar that is called the last of the three most important pillars - the growth mindset, and even add a "lifelong" in front of it.
A growth mindset is when children feel that every experience is an opportunity to learn.
In other words, even if you do it wrong, you will learn something from your mistakes. For example, if a child fails a test, the average child will think that he is "not smart enough" or "he is not the material for learning".
Children with a growth mindset will think that their own efforts are not enough, and they will make up for it through their own efforts, actively cope with it, and thus succeed.
In the face of mistakes or failures, children with a fixed mindset will find things so difficult, and I will not do this in the future.
Because he values results so much that everything they do is for a certain outcome, for example, studying is to get a good score, so that he can give his parents a bad job; and going to work after work is to complete the KPI.
And children with a growth mindset will feel that this failure is actually a good experience, let themselves know that the pit point of the original matter is here, then the next time they encounter such a thing, avoid these pits.
They will feel that their efforts are worthwhile, even if the results are not ideal.
They won't be knocked down by a single failure, nor will they discourage the enthusiasm to try new things, because they pay more attention to the process than the result.
Therefore, children with a growth mindset will pay more attention to learning itself and can learn from every mistake. They have more room to grow and more to achieve.
02
Qualified parents do this
Parents with patterns allow their children to make mistakes.
If a person is not a sage, who can be infallible? Adults still make mistakes, let alone stumbling and groping for growing children?
In a sense, making mistakes is a child's right, because it is a process experience that must be experienced in growth. Only in the process of constantly making mistakes can children learn to grow if they continue to correct them.
It is not terrible for children to make mistakes, but what is terrible is that after children make mistakes, parents do not know how to deal with them correctly.
What should be done in the face of children making mistakes, qualified parents?
Have your child try to explore and set goals on their own.
"Obedient children" are often difficult to become "successful children". If parents set goals according to their own wishes, it is a kind of control. It is necessary for the child to set goals according to his own wishes and work hard for his own wishes, so as to meet the instinct of making decisions for himself, to stimulate his internal drive, and then to carry out action.
Hold on, don't meddle.
Be a "supportive and autonomous" parent, moderately participate in the child's learning and life, provide him with companionship, advice, guidance, encouragement and other support when he needs it, and learn to shut up, let go, and silently pay attention when he does not need it.
Appropriate compliments.
Praise can motivate a child and ruin a child. Proper praise will encourage children not to be afraid of failure and dare to try, while exaggerated and unrealistic praise will hurt children's self-esteem and make children stop in the face of difficulties.
Make your child bear the consequences for his mistakes.
Learn to take responsibility for the consequences, develop a sense of responsibility in your child, and discuss with your child how to avoid making the same mistakes again.
Set rules and boundaries.
Set and resolutely enforce clear rules, do not hurt others, do not affect others, in the long run will not bring adverse effects on the child's life, under this premise, we allow children to explore freely.
Education scholar Yin Jianli said: A childhood that lacks trial and error is terrifying.
Growing up is a "trial and error" process. When a child makes a mistake, we should not ask the child to be "correct" all the time, because we adults have never been "right" all the time. This requires us to continue to learn and grow, in order to help children do the "right" thing from every "mistake".
03
Textbook Mom
I once saw such a mother on the Internet, whose child makes mistakes can be called a textbook way of dealing with it, which is an excellent example of the textbook "Allow Children to Make Mistakes". Let's take a look:
Mom takes her kids out on a tour to stay at the hotel. The child in the room was holding a blue penguin teacup in one hand and preparing to open the door of the tea set disinfection cabinet with the other hand to get the other. Mom reminded him to be careful and could take them one by one. Before the words landed, the cup shattered.
How does Mom do it?
The mother quickly walked over, took the child out of the teacup fragments, and comforted: "Don't be afraid, you don't move, help your mother to get some tissues, mother to clean up, be careful not to cut your hands." ”
The child rushed to get a handful of tissues. Mom first threw the large pieces into the trash can with her hands, and then used a paper towel to pinch the small pieces little by little, and all of them were picked up in the trash can.
After doing this, call the hotel front desk room to break a cup, ask for compensation and pay the service staff 50 yuan compensation.
After losing money, the mother first popularized the safety knowledge to the child.
She squatted down at the same height as possible with the child, looked him in the eye and said, "Baby, tell your mother, did it scare you when the cup just broke?" ”
"If you break something sharp like glass or porcelain, don't be afraid."
"First of all, you have to protect yourself from the debris, so you have to leave the area of this fragment first." When you are in an environment that cannot be cleaned, you should ask someone who can clean it to help clean it up. ”
"If you have to deal with it yourself, just like your mother just did, take the large, not sharp fragments, and the small fragments are gently wrapped in a paper towel or cloth, and then put them in a plastic bag or trash can." Do you understand? ”
Figure out your child's motivation for taking two cups.
The child was a little sad: "Mom, I just started to take a small cup, but I still want to take a big cup for you to drink water." But because I already had a cup in my hand, when I pushed open the cabinet door with my other hand, my hand was not steady, and the cup fell off. ”
Immediately affirmed the child said: "Really a filial piety child, when drinking water, you will think of giving your mother a cup." Baby can do this, Mom is really happy! ”
Help your child improve their approach.
"So let's think about it, the next time we encounter something like this, what can we do to get two cups and not break them?"
The child thought for a moment and said, "Mom, I know, I should put one cup on the table first, and then open the cabinet to get another cup, so that you can free up one hand to open the cabinet door, and the other hand to take the second cup, so that the cup will not be broken." ”
"Well, baby is right, really a good brain, and very methodical child." We can also pay attention to holding the cup a little tighter and be more careful, right? This makes the cup less likely to fall to the ground. ”
Having explored ways to improve, let's build the following values for the child:
"Just now this cup broke, and my mother paid 50 yuan in compensation to the hotel, do you know how much 50 yuan is?"
"Do you remember the mineral water at our house?" Mom can buy two boxes with the money from the lost cup. ”
"Mom, it's so expensive, I can't break the cup next time."
"So, this is a mistake that we can avoid ourselves, a loss that can be avoided, right?"
The child nodded, "Well, Mom, I understand, the next time we take anything, we have to be careful and try not to break it, because if it is broken, we have to buy it again, and if it is damaged by someone else," we will lose money." ”
"Baby is fantastic, not only recognizes the value of this cup, but also can look at the problem with one example and three times, which is very good! Okay, so let's keep playing! ”
The cup is broken, the child is a little frightened, first of all, to affirm the emotion, to affirm the child's original intention of taking the cup; the child is to help the mother to take the cup, the motivation is good, but the method is not right, so we must affirm the motivation; affirm the method he thinks, and then take this opportunity to let the child have a concept of the value of the cup.
This textbook mother tells us that all the good qualities that parents desire to see come from one sentence: Children, it doesn't matter if they are wrong.
Give the child respect, give the child self-confidence, give the child encouragement, he will have endless power in his heart, only then will he know how to find an outlet from his mistakes and create a new situation.
Author: Su Yun, a member of the Intensive Reading Association. Use time to exchange talents, the harder you work, the luckier you are, don't forget your original intention, you have to be consistent.