My mother-in-law always "made a surprise attack" and my husband couldn't do anything about it. Do I have to put up with it?

The territory you have worked so hard to protect is violated at any time, you cannot enjoy the warmth and freedom of the family, and your husband can do nothing about your mother. Do you want to tolerate this kind of life that cannot be independent for the rest of your life?

Dr. Wei Min, founder of Qi Jia Ye Sheng, practitioner of the Satya model, and tutor of the Seminar on "Marriage and Family" at the Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences.

In life, we often see such a mother-in-law: she did not greet her son and daughter-in-law, and suddenly came without warning. With a big smile on her face and the wind at her feet, she confidently said, "I didn't tell you, I just wanted to surprise you!" Come and see what good food I brought you! However, only the mother-in-law may feel surprised, and the daughter-in-law's experience is also mixed:

Planned weekend trips for families of three can only be canceled. The romantic world with her husband is completely shattered by the sudden "surprise"; preparing for an important professional exam, because the mother-in-law suddenly arrives, she has to take all the study materials with her and go out to find a quiet place. I like to organize my family according to my preferences. My mother-in-law opened the door without saying hello with the key. As soon as you enter the door, there are all kinds of picky nagging, and there is no peace in the house. The child is doing homework, the mother-in-law actually appeared, disturbing the child to do homework, and playing with the child, it is really angry...

The territory you have worked so hard to protect is violated at any time, you cannot enjoy the warmth and freedom of the family, and your husband can do nothing about your mother. Do you want to tolerate this kind of life that cannot be independent for the rest of your life? Ms. Satya, a family therapist, has developed the famous theory of family communication. In a concise and clear communication chart, there are three important parts to communication and relationships: self, others, and situations.

The interaction of family members in life is closely related to these three parts. If the mother-in-law ignores any part of it, the relationship will not be harmonious because of the lack.

The mother-in-law, who is often uninvited, seems to live in her own world, speculating on others and measuring the world with her own subjective imagination.

The mother-in-law fulfilled her wishes, but completely ignored her daughter-in-law's feelings or did not understand her difficulties. In the "situation", there is also a lack of a sense of boundaries, unable to distinguish between one's own home and the home of one's son and daughter-in-law. He has not yet realized that his son's family is the establishment of a new family system, and he is not the master of this new family.

If you want to change this, your daughter-in-law should make more efforts. Such efforts are not only to contribute to the family, but also to achieve their own growth.

If you're reading a column and you're in such a tangled position, you can really give it a try:

First, please calm down and pack your complaints and grievances aside to calm yourself down.

Second, analyze the mother-in-law.

Did my mother-in-law deliberately sabotage my family life? Like her unconscious habits;

The happiness of the mother-in-law was dedicated to the lives of her sons and grandchildren, and coming to my house became her great happiness.

My mother-in-law didn't understand our family's relationship with her. In fact, she should be a guest and should respect our living habits.

The marriage of a son is also a new thing for the mother-in-law. She needs to gradually adapt to the differences between the two families...

Finally, see what you can do to break this game.

Thank you for your mother-in-law's care for the younger generations, and thank you for your hard work in cooking various cuisines;

Take a moment to chat with your mother-in-law, listen to her stories, learn about her hobbies and habits, and give her enough care;

Both husband and wife communicate with your mother-in-law to make an appointment for visiting time, and tell your mother-in-law that there are other times in your house;

Help your mother-in-law enrich your life, find more fun, and make your mother-in-law pay more attention to yourself... In this way, the three parts of "self, others, and situation" are taken care of. Therefore, the daughter-in-law does not have to bother to change or complain about the mother-in-law, and her own stability and efforts are an important foundation for family harmony and system harmony.