"My dad is my biggest black fan." When he said this, sixteen-year-old Xiao Yao looked dejected, "No matter what I do, no matter how well I finish, he can always pick out what is wrong." ”
"You know what? My most annoying words are: Although you have done a good job this time, but-" He was suddenly very excited: "Behind this statement, there are many shortcomings of mine, even if they have nothing to do with what I have done well." ”
"Every time I heard my dad say this, it was like I was drenched in a basin of cold water, and my original joy suddenly fell to the bottom. Now I doubt that I can do a good job. Xiao Yao said.
Listening to Xiao Yao's words, I had a word in my mind: black powder parenting.
Black powder parenting
The so-called "black powder parenting", as the name suggests, is that parents, like the child's "black powder", always use the child's shortcomings to hit the child, and think that they can achieve the purpose of motivating the child.
Black powder is said to be from chasing stars, most of the black fans of stars are happy to pick the faults of the stars, no matter what the stars do, they can always pick out the faults and attack the stars.
Some parents also like to pick their children's faults, no matter how well the children do, they never praise, but pick the bones in the egg, find out the child's shortcomings to teach the child.
Some time ago, "High-energy Youth League" was broadcast, and the player Luo Wenzhang's mother was a "master" of black powder parenting. Mingming Luo Wenzhang won many times in the competition, and the judges and the audience recognized him as very good, but his mother still mocked: "He can't do it yet, it's really bad." ”
Xiao Yao's father described above, after each "but", the series of blows is also a typical word of black powder parenting.
Luo Wenzhang's mother
Why parents adopt black powder parenting
Unlike the black powder of celebrities, behind the parents' preference for using black powder parenting, it is actually high expectations and low trust for their children.
Many parents love their children deeply, and they are willing to pay more for the good of their children, but ironically, they do not trust their children deep down.
They don't believe in the child's abilities, they don't think the child can complete the task well. Therefore, when a child actually completes a task, their first reaction is not to be happy, but to question. This kind of questioning is a blow to the child.
On the other hand, some parents have too high expectations of their children, and the things that their children do their best to accomplish will never satisfy them, and they despise their children's existing achievements and put forward higher requirements to hit their children.
There is also a situation where some parents are afraid of their children's pride, so they suppress their children from time to time and taunt their children: "Don't think that you have achieved good results, far worse than others." ”
Many parents who use "black powder parenting" always think that they are reminding their children to be modest and motivate their children to be more motivated, but they do not know that such "black powder" remarks are a blow to their children and will slowly destroy their children.
The bad effects of black powder parenting on children
Parents who pursue "black powder parenting", they are always concerned about the shortcomings of the child, always use the microscope to find the shortcomings of the child, long-term attack on the child, often cause serious psychological trauma to the child, in general, under the blow of the black powder parents, the child will have these psychological problems:
(1) Inferiority complex.
Children's self-evaluation ability is relatively low, and they always take the evaluation and requirements of others as self-evaluation.
There is a "labeling effect" in psychology, when a person is labeled with a certain word, he will make a corresponding self-impression management, so that his behavior is consistent with the content of the label.
The labeling effect is actually a psychological implication, when the parents are vigorously degrading the child, the child's self-perception will also be as the parents suggest, thinking that they are not good, do not work hard, do not understand.
Such children will become cautious, insecure, have low self-esteem, low sense of value, and become particularly inferior.
(2) Rebellious psychology.
Some children with strong personalities, as they age, no longer trust their parents, and as soon as they are hit, they will immediately have psychological, verbal and behavioral resistance. They began to be perfunctory and passive about what their parents asked to do, and when they heard their parents' accusations, they turned their lips to ridicule, quarreled with their parents, and even had physical collisions.
This is what we often call rebellion, especially when children reach adolescence, self-awareness develops, and the blow to parents is even more disgusting, and it is easier to produce rebellious psychology.
But parents did not think that the child's rebellion was actually self-inflicted! A rebellious child is like an inflated ball, the more you slap him the higher it bounces off!
(3) Personality is lonely
Children who are often beaten, the most obvious feature is not self-confidence, because they feel that they are not good enough, do not dare to communicate with people, will not communicate with others, and appear withdrawn and withdrawn in the crowd.
What is even more frightening is that because such children have no way to express their dissatisfaction with their parents and the pain of not being recognized, they can only vent to themselves, and may have depression or self-harm, resulting in permanent psychological trauma.
(4) Loss of intrinsic motivation
Children who are often criticized by their parents' "black powder" language, driven by inferiority, will pessimistically believe that they will never learn, so they lose the internal motivation to continue to work hard, and they are prone to boredom.
Parents should learn to appreciate their children and encourage them positively
Children's growth is inseparable from affirmation and encouragement. Parents should abandon the negative energy criticism of black powder, tap more of their children's shining points, and praise and encourage children in time to guide their children's healthy growth.
First of all, communicate more with your child.
Parents should not be too arbitrary when they encounter things related to their children, do not take it for granted that they accuse their children, communicate with their children first, understand the child's true thoughts, put themselves in the shoes of the child, fully accept the child's feelings, and try not to judge anything.
If the child is indeed at fault, parents should also discuss the matter when criticizing the child, and do not turn over the old account.
Second, look at the child with an appreciative eye.
In one issue of "Teenagers Say", a girl said that she was depressed because she had not been able to get her mother's affirmation, and she said to her mother sadly: "I work so hard, why can't you see it?" ”
Her mother, on the other hand, was completely unaware of the child's sadness and only said to her daughter: "You are just inferior to other classmates." The girl was so scared that she cried.
Parents do not know how to appreciate their children's strengths, which will make children more frustrated. Therefore, we parents should learn to look at their children with an appreciative eye, each child has its own shining point, parents should lean down and be good at discovering the advantages of children.
Again, affirm the child more and praise the child.
Someone said: "Praise is like sunshine to warm the human soul, without which we cannot grow and blossom." ”
For children, parental affirmation and praise is definitely the best education. It can improve children's self-perception, mobilize children's enthusiasm, and cultivate children's self-confidence.
It should be noted that the praise of the child should be based on facts, concretization, detail, praise the child's acquired efforts, rather than innate intelligence, and praise the child's character rather than IQ.
Finally, encourage your child to be brave enough to express your ideas.
Parents should encourage their children more, let them bravely express their opinions, and boldly say their own ideas, so that children will think independently and form their own opinions, rather than only promises, cowardice and incompetence.
Write at the end
The negative energy blow of black powder parents will make children vulnerable and sensitive, and also cause the estrangement of parent-child relationship and family estrangement.
As a parent, please do not hesitate to express your love, give your children more praise, and be less critical and harsh. In this way, the child can grow into a brave, confident, and assertive excellent appearance.
(The information and pictures quoted in this article come from the Internet, if there is infringement, please contact the author to delete it.) ）
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