"Mom this toy is so cute, can you buy one?"
"You have too many toys, don't buy them, put them down"
"Mom's dress is so cool, can I try it?"
"Not good looking, what dark clothes do you a little kid wear, this pink dress looks good, wear this"
"Mom, can I eat a candy?"
"Can't eat"
"Mom, can I watch TV for a while?"
"Not visible"
"Mom I can..."
"No..."
"Don't eat", "Don't go", "Don't cry", "Don't watch TV", "Can't do", "Can't" seem to be words that adults often use to discipline children.
Moms and Dads think about whether we often give our children the above similar negative answers in our lives.
We are always accustomed to pointing out the child's mistakes at the first time, very absolutely, and using criticism and accusations to prompt the child to correct. Because I feel like the child doesn't understand anything, I need to point out to him what is right and what should be done, and what he says is wrong.
The lack of self-identity will be caused by different environments of growth, but the family is often the source of the child's "inability to find himself".
Some psychological studies have shown that "in addition to congenital factors, human personality formation also has the influence of the acquired environment, especially the influence of the original family is more profound." ”
Why is it said that "self-identity" is a scarce resource given to their children by parents?
What is "self-identification"?
"Self-identification" is considered a very important life task in the theory of the famous psychologist Erikson.
It can rationally see and accept itself and the outside world, can be energetic, loves life, will not be immersed in lamentation, complaint or regret, and is motivated, positive and independent, has a clear goal in life, and in the process of pursuing and gradually approaching the goal, it will experience self-worth and social recognition and praise.
It consolidates self-confidence and self-esteem from this sense of identity, while not blindly succumbing to the public opinion of society and others. It is a sense of recognition of what you think.
When children lack a sense of self-identity, they have no inner motivation, and their self-requirements will be reduced, and even lead to the emergence of inferiority complex, thus losing the direction of grasping life.
The formation of self-identity is the basis for people to make important life choices.
Only through continuous experimentation, exploration and integration can we truly achieve self-identification. And the process is likely to be full of thorns, some people through these crises, and some people are lost. This process of exploration is necessary but also difficult.
Psychologist Marcia has divided people's fulfillment of the major life task of "self-identification" into four different states based on the two dimensions of "past crisis" and "commitment now": premature self-recognition, identity loss, identity achievement, or delayed identification.
In the Chinese concept of education, the "obedience" in your mouth is a positive word.
You might think that my child is obedient and listens to me for everything, that he is a submissive and obedient child. But behind the long-term obedience of children is the denial of parents again and again.
The first time I was denied, maybe the second time I forgot and was criticized, the third time I was afraid of being criticized, then I remembered it. He never knew how I should be right, only that I was wrong to do it, then I didn't do it, and if I was criticized, then I didn't do it until I was no longer criticized...
You will find that children gradually do not like to explore new things. The habitual negative answer made him feel that I could make fewer mistakes if I did less and did less, and I could not make mistakes without moving.
He became cowering, timid, and constantly self-denial.
Children who do not receive the approval of their parents cannot develop a sense of self-identity
I've seen a poignant news story.
A 13-year-old boy in Nanjing was scolded by his father every day because of his unsatisfactory grades, and his father always compared himself with other children, so the boy left a letter and ran away from home.
When he was found by the police, he told his "sad things" every day, "Dad thinks I can't do that, and often compares me with other people's children, he doesn't like me, so I left." ”
Every day before leaving, I did not forget to leave a note for my father: "Dear father, you don't have to look for me, you don't know me in the future, and I don't know you." You shouldn't have a son like me, goodbye Daddy. ”
In just a few words, I wrote about the child's heartache and disappointment.
In fact, not only does the boy suffer from parental disapproval, there are many parents who are accustomed to denying their children, so that children lose confidence and live in the pain of not being able to identify with themselves.
Psychologist William James said that the deepest desire of human nature is to have the appreciation of others.
Don't look at the children who are young and can't express themselves, but their hearts are very sensitive.
There is such a problem on the Zhihu hot list, which has attracted the attention of nearly one million people:
Dad is very strict with 6-year-old children, and the slightest mistake is either beaten or scolded.
Even if the child spends a few strokes on the book, the father will shout loudly, and even beat the child fat;
After being taught every time, the child did not dare to come out, but there were more and more problems, and many problems were taught several times by the father or kept making mistakes.
Dad kept reprimanding and getting angry, and thus formed a dead cycle.
In fact, it is the father's excessive negative evaluation that makes the child gradually lose his sense of self-identity.
Once the child accepts the assumption that he can't do anything well, he will lose motivation and even fall into depravity.
As psychologist Dr. Susan Foward put it:
Children do not distinguish between facts and jokes, they believe what their parents say about themselves and turn them into their own ideas.
Parents are motivated by the blow, but in the eyes of the child, it is a definition statement.
When children internalize all statements, they lose their sense of self-identity, and they also lose the courage and strength to cut through thorns, just like the warriors who have lost their weapons on the battlefield, as if helpless, can only be passively controlled by others.
Every child is looking forward to being truly "seen" by their parents and adults, and only with the approval of adults can they identify with themselves.
When children internalize attribution, they disintegrate their own belief systems and lose their sense of self-identity.
It also loses the courage and strength to go forward, as if helpless, and can only be passively controlled by others.
Parental approval is the driving force behind a child's growth
Lu Qin once compared the child to an egg, if you apply pressure from the outside, after the egg is broken, you can only get a pool of yolks and egg whites, and to warm the eggs from the inside, what you get is the joy of the chicken breaking out of its shell.
Children are like this, and the encouragement, acceptance and recognition of their parents is the warmth they need to break out of their shells.
Zheng Yuanjie, the king of fairy tales, once mentioned in "Readers" that his father's approval was the biggest driving force for him to go to the road of fairy tale creation.
Once, when he was asked by the teacher to write and check because of the unauthorized change of the topic of the writing essay, his father watched him describe his mistake experience vividly and wonderfully in the review, and laughed out loud, not only did not scold, but also praised his son for his great talent for writing.
There was a very moving dialogue between father and son, and Dad asked him how long he could write "Fairy Tale King"? He replied, "As long as you and my mother live, I'll keep writing." "And Dad told him to write it down, keep writing it, and we'll live."
In the 25 years since the beginning of the Fairy Tale King in 1985, Zheng Yuanjie is the only contributor. The child who was expelled from school at the age of 12, enlisted in the army at the age of 15, and discharged after four years, according to normal evaluation standards, is basically incurable. However, his father never gave up his recognition and encouragement.
As Zheng Yuanjie himself said: the essence of human beings is to desire to be appreciated, and the so-called "loyal words and anti-ear" is his least favorite.
In the book "Accompanying Children for Life", it is said:
When a child is molded into the right behavior in the process of getting along with his parents, his self-evaluation will become higher and higher, and he will also think of himself as a capable person, a person who can control himself.
The right education is awakening, not transformation.
In fact, the future of every child is hidden in the mouth of the parents.
The more you demean the child, the less confident the child becomes, and even if the child has potential, he will eventually be scolded to be left with humility and powerlessness.
Only when you encourage and appreciate the child can you awaken the sense of self-identity in the child's heart, and he will move forward in the direction you expect.
Parents always hope that through their own strictness, they will cultivate their children's ability to resist the cruel world of adults; but the child thinks the opposite, even if the whole world does not approve of me, it does not matter, only you can not.
As the line in Hal's Moving Castle goes, "As long as you affirm, I'm brave enough."
The writer Sanmao wrote in "The Battle of a Lifetime":
"My regret in life is not that I did not earn the whole world, but please appreciate me."
Children need the approval of their parents, and if even parents cannot recognize their children, who else can they expect to approve?
As parents, we should be less utilitarian and not approve of the child because of the good performance of the child, and deny the poor performance.
Especially when they perform poorly, they actually need more encouragement and recognition from their parents.
"Confidence is not innate, it needs to be built, and it's a tough journey that requires patience."
In the process of helping children build a sense of self-identity, we should not be stingy to give children more opportunities for trial and error, some recognition comes from the love of parents, but some self-confidence is obtained from failure.
We do not advocate "setback education", nor do we hope that children will only learn to admit mistakes in setbacks, we hope that children can find stronger selves in adversity and become a confident person.
Self-confidence, independence, bravery, and no fear of failure are the scarce resources that parents give their children in life.