Do you want to have another one? What is the inner drama of parents

Today, when the second and third children are fully released, if you ask a pair of parents, what is their inner drama when they want to have another one?

The decision to have another one is hard to make, and one of the most important factors is whether I'm ready for my next child. A little deeper is whether I have the confidence and ability to raise the next child. A little deeper is how to look at your own children.

How do you think about your children, is this also a question?

Children in concepts

Man is an animal of ideas. When we are about to become parents or have already become parents, we all have the appearance of an ideal child in our minds. The "ideal child" is born from his own status, life experience, values, expectations of social values, and so on. When the child has not yet been born, there may be a look in the heart, such as how does it look? Boy or girl? What will happen to your child's abilities? What university can I go to in the future? What kind of person should she/he be?

This can be an expectation and an idea, or it can be a thought that does not know where to start, which is not to blame in itself. The key question is, when the child is born, will the parents use the ideal child in their minds to compare the child in reality? What if the real child doesn't meet their expectations?

If the proportion of children in the parents' minds is too heavy, when they get along with their children, they are not getting along with the children in reality, but are competing with their own expectations. Realistic people are always full of various shortcomings and deficiencies, while people in concept are often perfect and idealized. It is difficult for children in reality to meet the expectations of their parents, and no matter how hard they try, it is difficult to get the affirmation and praise of their parents.

As a "child in the concept", you may work harder and be excellent, but there is always a voice in your heart, that is, you live in the expectations of your parents, live for others, not for yourself, and it is difficult to find real value from yourself. Children in concept are always forced to compare themselves with other children.

Courtesy of Visual China

Children who compare themselves

Comparison with others is a necessity of life, and a considerable part of the source of our self-knowledge comes from comparison with others. But when a person constantly compares with others, it may be full of motivation to struggle, but it is also easy to enter a bottomless abyss.

The main disadvantages include: First, interpersonal tension. Any attempt to overcome others will be seen by others, which is a great threat to others; second, the instrumentalization of man. All efforts to overcome others have instrumental significance, and the meaning of the effort itself is weakened; third, there are always people who are stronger than themselves, and when they defeat some people, there will immediately be new people who need to be overcome, and it will always be difficult to obtain a sense of self-worth and identity.

Adler said in the book "Inferiority and Transcendence" that there are two main ways to transcend inferiority, one is to be better than others, the other is to be better than the former self, and the healthier way is to compare with yourself. On the one hand, compared with yourself, you are more controllable, less frustrated, and more instructive for real life; on the other hand, you are your biggest enemy, you must admit your shortcomings and real dilemmas, you need to pursue the right goal according to your own resources and ability, and accept yourself is an important sign of becoming strong.

If parents consciously guide their children, in the face of any difficulties and setbacks, the most important thing is to overcome themselves rather than crush others, the child will win more respect and self-esteem, it is easier to find reasons from themselves, and they will be more able to control their own destiny.

A child in the name of life

Compared with themselves, they will occasionally fall into the situation of doubting themselves, because children will still internalize some social values, even if they are compared with themselves, they may also carry some inherent value judgments, and in the inherent pattern, it is difficult to find new selves and obtain true self-growth.

Self-growth is the ultimate meaning and value of life, being stronger than others is not really strong, really strong is to hope that others and themselves will be fully developed. What is love? Everyone will have a different answer, and if one had to be given, I hope the answer would be: in the name of life.

Man, born in the world, should be in an open, blooming state, not a closed, atrophied state. When a child comes into this world, if he respects and cares for him in the name of life, he will have more acceptance and less control, and will quietly appreciate all her/his innate conditions and hope that she/he will live out himself.

Parents will understand the value of their children's lives from the bottom of their hearts, the role of parents is no longer a director, or even a teacher, parents are just a companion, a witness. In the process of children's growth, parents themselves are constantly growing. Parents and children, close and independent, I watch you grow up slowly, you watch me grow old slowly, our hearts are full of gratitude for the years and cherish each other.

(The author works at the School of Marxism, Wuhan University, Institute of Development and Educational Psychology, Wuhan University)

Source: China Youth Daily client