In the process of children's growth, parents will always consciously or unconsciously use "well-behaved" and "sensible" to measure the quality of a child. ”
At school "Is the child usually obedient?" "It's one of the most concerned issues for parents. At home, you will always say to your children, "You have to be obedient...", "You have to be sensible," Parents meet each other, talk about their children, and praise each other, "Your children are really good"...
But are sensible, well-behaved children really happy?
1
Understanding is too bitter, bitter in the heart
A mother said in a message: She hopes that her children will never need to understand things.
Because it is too bitter to understand things, suffering is in the heart.
When she was young, her family situation was not bad, but her parents used a positive stimulation method to make her understand, and always said: We are really sensible, obedient, give your toys to your brothers, sisters, brothers and sisters.
Her parents took her out to play, always encouraging her to give in unconditionally, giving up toys or goodies to other people's children, even if those children were much older than her.
The most impressive thing was that the four children ate ice cream together, and she was the youngest. But the ice agitation distribution, starting with the child next to her, was the last one to take his turn. As she reached for the ice cream, the other three children screamed in unison.
Adults think of children as angels, she said, probably only because children don't have the ability to hurt adults. But only children can feel the full malice in the hearts of children of the same age. The three children screamed in unison, just because they were a little older than her, repelled her and wouldn't let her eat.
Parents of three older children, indifferent.
So my father came over and said to himself: The most obedient, the little brothers do not understand things, we will not eat today. On the way home, Dad will buy it for you.
She said that at that time, she was bleeding in her heart, crying, and wanted to shout out to her father - I wanted not ice cream, but fairness!
But she didn't shout. Because her father told her that shouting was a manifestation of ignorance.
On the way home, she sat in the back seat of her father's bicycle, passing an ice cream stand and another ice cream stall, and instead of slowing down, she rode straight over.
Her little hand, dead squeezing the back of her father's shirt, pulled hard, pulled hard. This reminds father of his commitment. The father finally felt it, did not look back, and said: "Oh well, you know best, ice cream is not good for the body." We don't eat.
At that moment, the heart was like ashes.
2
Sensible children do not dare to express their true emotions
As the saying goes: children who cry have candy to eat.
But for sensible children, even if they want to eat sugar, they don't dare to cry.
Just because, once they cry, they are no longer good children in the eyes of their parents.
As netizens said: bear children can make everyone praise as long as they occasionally do a heart-warming thing, but once a sensible child does something out of the ordinary, it will disappoint people all over the world.
This mother, under the guidance of her father, was really sensible and never made any demands on her parents. From childhood to adulthood, until she went to work, the clothes she wore were old and rarely fitted. When eating, only the green vegetables closest to you are clipped, and only eat what no one eats.
In the classroom, it is also the case. She has good grades and is short-sighted. But many parents of children want to move their children to the front seat. The teacher knew that she was the most sensible in the class, so he asked her if she could be transferred to the back.
Without a word, she packed her textbook bag and sat down in the last row. Since then, I have sat with children who have no intention of learning. The back row is noisy, I can't see the blackboard clearly, and I can't hear the teacher's lectures clearly. That's how the results came down.
Seeing her grades decline, her parents and teachers used the "radical method" for her, that is, to humiliate and stimulate her in various ways.
But no matter how humiliating, the increasingly short-sighted eyes could not see the blackboard clearly.
After the college entrance examination, she was just a three-book.
3
What is the point of knowing things?
Later, when she met her current lover, she found herself so far away from society and so deep.
But sometimes, she felt very happy, she was sensible when she was young, her myopia sat in the last row, and she ended up reading three books.
So much humiliation when reading did not overwhelm her. And also meet the current husband, take care of her and protect her, what is not satisfied?
Until she herself, with the baby. That's how that mindset changed completely.
Retired parents came to see their granddaughter. She remembered that the air was particularly good that day, and the father took the baby's hand and walked in front, and the baby's other hand, holding a plastic duckling. At this time, a child staggered over and looked enviously at the toy in the baby's hand.
She saw her father crouch down, with a gentle voice, said to the baby: Baby is good, the baby is the most sensible, you have to learn to share, sharing is the happiest, take your little duck, play with the children!
No! She said that she was so thunderous that she almost blurted out to her father: Share your mother's size! You can no longer impose on my baby everything that has been imposed on me. Do you know how great psychological pain I have felt over the years, every moment of every day?
I don't want to let the baby bear the pain of the soul that he can't afford to bear.
But in the end, she didn't say anything, just stood aside and watched as her father took the baby's hand and handed his own toy to the child opposite.
The reason why she didn't stop her father was only because she saw more bear children who lacked tutoring. The bear children, by means of rolling and crying, were able to achieve whatever they desired.
She didn't want to be a bear child. I don't want child bears.
She asked if there was a way to make her baby stop suffering herself and not grow crooked into a bear child. And just growing up happily?
Is there such a solution?
Is there one?
4
Uncomfortable education will only bring pain
At the University of Rochester in the United States, there was such an experiment. Ask some children of the same age and divide them into two equally sized groups. For the little ones, take a simple test.
Start with the first round of testing. The results of the two groups of children are almost the same - the children in the second group have slightly higher grades. Then the second round.
Before the test, the host of the experiment announced: Little Pot friends, you are well-behaved and excellent in the first round, so you are rewarded with candy.
Wow, the kids are overjoyed. The candy is brought up, starting from the first group of children, and divided into the last children in the first group, just finished. The children in the second group, feeling so shocked, said good to eat candy, how come there is no their own?
The experimenter laughed at Mimi's words: Some small pot friends have not been assigned, it doesn't matter, there is ice cream to eat next. Ice cream came up, still from the first group of children, the first group was finished, ice cream was gone. The children in the second group were already shocked to the point of numbness.
Then the host of the experiment said casually: Some children did not get a point, and if they did not get it, they would forget it. Now let's start the quiz.
The results of the second round of tests, the children in the second group, the results of the rapid decline, turned out to be less than a quarter of the first group of children's scores.
This experiment tells us that inappropriate and unjust educational methods can cause children to fall into great confusion and pain, lose trust in the world, and lose their ability to act.
This mother's parents mistakenly teased and suppressed them as educational means.
For example, a father promises to buy ice cream for his daughter on the way home, but he goes against the grain.
For fathers, this is only a small matter, but they do not know that in the child's world, the parents' commitment is all, full of expectations and betrayal.
Since then, the daughter has lost trust in her parents.
She no longer believed in her parents, but she was powerless to resist, and could only escape in great fear.
Her heart was long dead, she never made any demands on her parents, and she walked alone on the brink of loneliness. In the eyes of parents, such non-noisy and quiet is the "understanding" that they expect.
Her parents' so-called understanding is a sentence: to die, less to annoy me!
She herself understood it this way.
Therefore, I developed a cowardly and humble heart, obviously myopic eyes, and could not see the blackboard clearly, but I did not dare to say it to the teacher. Only because she doesn't trust adults at all and doesn't dare to make her own reasonable demands.
Fear of the adult world constitutes her entire cognition. She was proud that she hadn't become a bear child. But unbeknownst to her, she became a terrified rabbit child and a rat child.
A person who is suppressed by great fear and completely loses himself.
5
What is really sensible
Sensible is not fear, not cowardice, not retreating and sobbing in the face of aggression.
Understanding things is not the suppression of children's nature, and it is not to let children back down and satisfy the face of adults.
True understanding should be that children can correctly interpret interpersonal rules, not inferiority, not arrogance, and can clearly and simply express their self-wishes when encountering things. Be able to learn to negotiate with friends and communicate with adults normally - if you want your child to be sensible, at least your parents must be sensible.
Parents should understand the child's psychology, to know that the child's cognitive world is very small, the dependence on the parents is extremely heavy, and the small things in the eyes of the parents may be related to the mental growth of the child's life.
Sensible parents can clearly judge the environment their children face.
Has the child been unjustly suppressed? Or is it just an inconsequential game? Don't say that children don't understand, children actually understand everything, bear children are the best at taking advantage of adults' sluggishness and dullness, and timid children are full of fear of adults.
Therefore, parents must pay attention to the fair state between children, suppress the evil revealed by the bear child in time, express the fear in the hearts of the timid children, be impartial, and allow the child to get a peaceful growth environment.
Encourage timid children to express their desires bravely. To tell the bear child, spitting and rolling is not an expression.
Don't let the cries and screams of the bear child succeed, and don't let the fear of the timid child accumulate to exceed the child's psychological endurance. The so-called education is to make appropriate adjustments according to the different psychological states of children.
Treat children as adults, listen carefully to their every word, and respect their rights and demands.
In reality, many adults are not good at expressing themselves, and it is even more difficult to ask their children to do this - this is the truth that all parents should thank their children, it is the children who guide you to grow, guide you to learn courage and expression, not you guide the children.
The maturity of parents is to learn to accept the child's immaturity and ignorance, learn to take care of and respect the child's inner feelings, and leave the handling of emotions to ourselves.
All education just lets us, and children, understand this truth together: we may be very ordinary, very humble, very stupid, but our every move will trigger a huge reverberation in the child's psychology.
In life, it is inevitable that there will be loss, and what is indispensable is grievance. Never let yourself be disappointed in yourself. Maybe the world is very cold, but responsible life thinking and exploration will surely make children feel the warmth of love, the sunshine mentality, and endless confidence.
Write at the end
Everyone's growth is not perfect, it is a thrilling adventure. Remember the right guidance from your parents and thank them for their wisdom. We must also remember the mistakes of our parents and pity their helplessness.
The methods that were applied in the past may not still apply now, because the environment is changing, and the child's mentality is also changing. Don't use the life experience of the predecessors to look at the sky at the bottom of the well to guide the unpredictable and unknowable life of the next generation.
Source: New Parents Online