The sky is falling, the children are lying, and something is wrong with my education
My son and I sat face to face, there was no sound around us, and my son bowed his head as if waiting for the silence before the storm.
And I tried to take a deep breath, and I wondered how I could convince myself not to get angry, how I wouldn't hurt him when I talked.
But thirty seconds later, as soon as I opened my mouth, I still said the most hurtful words:
"You're so disappointing, how can you lie so much now?"
All the patience, and careful care and not being able to label the child, all of them can not be scrupulous, and the anger and panic of the moment occupy the top.
He loved to lie so much when he was so young, and when he grew up, he got it.
What went wrong with our homeschooling made him always so hidden, afraid to resist loudly, and loudly express his needs.
I love him so much, I have obviously behaved very generously, very tolerantly, why he always likes to use lies to resist.
Will this child be like this in the future, it will be finished.
……
Just now he was playing basketball, his sisters used to argue with him, he pushed his sisters to the ground in a fit of anger, and when I asked my sister what was going on, I confronted him, and he denied it. Until the grandfather who witnessed it came out to identify.
And yesterday, he lied to complete the homework, actually did not finish, after I found out, I told him bitterly about the harm of lying, explained to him that there is a need to say clearly, and at that time seemed to have understood that in the game of lying, I will never be the winner.
And many more, for a while, I felt like I was overwhelmed by the bad emotions of "kids have developed a habit of lying and are finished."
My anxiety far outweighs the correct "matter as it is."
Lying is a technical job
A foreign study found that if a child tells a lie that is believed earlier, he may perform better among his peers
elegant. Because if you want to tell a lie that makes people believe, you need two conditions:
One is that children should understand what others think.
Because most children will not think differently before the age of three, and feel that their ideas are the same as those of others.
For example, two three-year-old children play with toy cars, one child takes advantage of the other's inattention, hides the toy car under the sofa, he does not know that the other party can not find the toy car, but thinks that he hid the toy car, the other party should also know where the toy car is hidden.
Many children quarrel because they can't find toys because of this way of thinking.
So if a three-year-old has the ability to empathize, the IQ is definitely high.
The other is that he wants to cache his true thoughts.
This brain's caching capacity is not something that all children have.
Studies have found that almost all children lie, but not many children can "cheat" adults.
Children who can tell truths that people believe have better brain executive function than other children.
This brain function gives them a stronger ability to sift through information and reasoning, so they can store some information in the brain
Inside, lie with higher levels of brain thinking.
In other words: Lying is a technical job.
Although we generally believe that lying is a bad behavior, from the study of cognitive development, lying well is a manifestation of the development of social cognition (commonly known as emotional intelligence).
The adult world needs "lies", we need to consider other people's feelings, say some "lies" compliments, we need to avoid some unnecessary troubles, say some "lies" as an excuse.
Of course, these "lies" are all in double quotation marks, which have nothing to do with morality, but are an important skill for maintaining and easing interpersonal relationships.
However, it is difficult for children to understand such a concept:
It's wrong to avoid responsibility by lying, but it's not wrong to lie in order to consider the feelings of others.
When children can finally understand this complex set of social rules, they often have to wait until after puberty, which is a rule that can only be understood after a long period of cognitive development.
Children over the age of 4 begin to have the ability to speculate on the thoughts of others.
The child grows older, and when he is over 4 years old, the second degree of psychological theory begins to develop further. They begin to speculate on different people's different thoughts, and at this time more than 80% of children may start lying.
There is also a roadblock on the way to the advancement of lying, that is, the development of executive function.
Executive function is an advanced ability of the brain that involves a range of cognitive skills, including self-regulation, inhibition control, and more.
If you want to successfully deceive others, your inner emotions are guilt, fear, shame, and even excitement, and these emotions must be regulated. At the same time, language, facial expressions and body movements are very well controlled to appear natural.
Most children have insufficient executive ability, and the above requirements are difficult to achieve.
For example, in general, babies cannot suppress those that are more prominent and direct in the real world.
In other words, they say whatever novel object they see, even regardless of the consequences of the behavior.
Studies have found that the stronger a child's psychological theory and self-control, the sooner they will start lying.
Lying is not so terrible, and it can be the truest truth
I remember the first time my son lied to avoid punishment, I almost "exploded in place" and yelled at him like a storm.
He was scared to death that day, crying out of breath.
I was also very scared and angry.
I rarely scolded him, but at that moment we were both very afraid, one was an emotion that I couldn't control, and the other was afraid that he would "go bad".
He felt like he had done something terrible, something that made him and I both feel ashamed.
My focus was on telling him about the dangers of lying, about "lying" like a flood of beasts, and his focus was on how I could stop this gushing "anger."
Yes, I listened to the education, but the voice he wanted to express, I did not listen to.
Lying is not terrible, and lying can also be the truest truth.
Lying is also a child's expression.
Every lie has an appeal, and that appeal is true.
When you find out that your child is lying and ask him why he is lying, you will find that they are lying because if they speak out their real needs, they will get a "dead end".
For example, I was worried that my son would get sick from eating too much ice cream, so I told him not to eat ice cream. In fact, I have a plan in mind for him to eat, but I will control the frequency.
But he didn't know my plan, and eating ice cream in his heart was not allowed, it was a mistake, it would be criticized.
But he wanted to eat.
So he secretly ate ice cream, and then I suddenly appeared, so to cover up, he threw the ice cream behind the refrigerator. Finding out that the amount of ice cream was wrong, I asked him if he had eaten ice cream, and he said no.
It wasn't until the ice cream melted that it was discovered.
"If you want to eat ice cream, why lie?"
"Because you said I couldn't eat ice cream or I would get sick."
"Then you've learned to lie?"
We are stuck in an endless cycle.
If lying is not defined in our minds as a flood beast, then, while parents warn their children not to do so, they will hear a real voice from their children.
"I want something, I don't dare tell you, but I really like it."
Parents should have heard their children's entanglements, grievances and helplessness.
Lies are true, but sometimes when we don't listen, we are frightened by the word lie.
The child consciously lies, what the parent has to do
If you look at your child's cognitive stage and find that he can guess what others think and is consciously lying, what should you do?
The answer is: don't speculate on intentions, but guide your child to tell the objective facts and then work with them to think of solutions.
For example, today he pushed down his sister and left, and the scene of me confronting him made him anxious.
He had to lie: "I didn't! Sister lies! ”
In the face of a child's lies, different ways of interpreting them will bring different results.
You can interpret it as "the child not only wants to shirk responsibility, but also wants to frame the sister".
The more you interpret it like this, the more angry you get, and you just want to teach him a hard lesson.
Curiously, the more you fight, the more often the child lies.
This is a vicious circle of lies, and the child knows that once the lie is exposed, he will be punished, and he will have to "refine" the lie to escape punishment in the future.
The second interpretation is that the child lives in the moment.
He thought that by pushing things to his sister, he would ease the situation at hand.
I tend to read that way.
When there is a contradiction or conflict between parents and children, it is a good opportunity for children to learn to adjust themselves and solve problems.
Lying is just an immature way to solve the problem.
When conflict occurs, many parents are accustomed to using the first interpretation mode to figure out their children's intentions.
For example, accusing a child of "Why did you hit your sister?" This kind of questioning method can only add fuel to the fire, and the matter cannot be resolved smoothly.
The correct way to ask is to describe the status quo truthfully without accusations.
For example, ask: "Brother, you see, why did my sister fall down and cry?" ”
This way of asking questions is equivalent to asking children to participate in the process of solving problems.
In this way, maybe the child will admit the truth, or maybe choose to lie, it doesn't matter, the point is that the child is willing to cooperate with you to continue to communicate.
Then, you can discuss a solution with your child, for example, "What if my sister is crying so sad now, let's find a way to solve it?" ”
Many parents complain that their children lie and evade responsibility, but in fact, the sense of responsibility is practiced.
As long as the child believes that you are willing to solve problems with him and take responsibility together, slowly, his own sense of responsibility has also increased.
At the same time, we should pay attention to the importance of parenting and self-rearing.
A 2014 U.S. study showed that adults are more likely to lie to children if they often lie to them, whether they are white lies or break their promises.
On the issue of lying, parents are easy to fall into the strange circle of double standards, children must not lie to themselves, be honest, and parents are not so careful.
For example, make some jokes with children, and finally say: "I lied to you"; coaxing and cheating when eating;
Promised to take the children out to play but delayed.
Researchers believe that once a child thinks the person is a liar, he is even less likely to tell the truth about the person.
epilogue:
Lying is also technical work, and the child will lie, marking a stage of his cognitive development.
His mental-theoretical abilities, or mind-reading abilities, developed, and at the same time, his self-control increased.
If your child is still in the initial stages of lying, your education is not focused on correcting his behavior.
Instead, it is usually prevented by using examples and storytelling.
If your child starts lying often, the point is to let the child know that you are not here to force him to admit his mistakes, but to help him solve the problem.