However, due to the epidemic situation, this plan was delayed again and again last year, and once it was difficult to prepare to go, and the students who went together suddenly fell ill and were delayed again.
In the blink of an eye, it is 2022, and the height of the two children is particularly fast, and the princess skirt is almost impossible to wear. This plan, which had been thought about for a long time, became an "unfinished event" that the two children regretted.
When faced with a broken circle, people always want to make up the last paragraph and make it complete, and children, more seriously than adults, draw lines as smoothly as existing lines. What happens if you don't let your child draw that "circle"?
This "sense of incompleteness" either erupts, represses, or shifts.
1
"Sense of incompleteness"
How strong is the force?
Recently, I saw such a funny and thought-provoking thing.
At 9:40 p.m., when it was time to go to bed, a little boy in Yinchuan, Ningxia, finished a math test paper at home, according to his mother, he checked it very carefully, and thought he would get a full score, but there were still 3 mistakes that should not appear, and he scored 97 points.
97 points, it is already very good, but he just can't get over these 3 points, these 3 points, hinder him from getting a "perfect 100 points".
So he wanted not to sleep, but also to make another roll, get 100 points, but his mother felt that the body was first, and did not let him do it again.
Mom: "Didn't you write a line?" ”
Boy: "I don't care! I don't! This is not my true level! I've learned all this. ”
"Let me do it again, please!"
The little boy "collapsed" and jumped and screamed, crying and tearing off a new scroll, aggrieved and stubborn.
In the end, his mother coaxed him with an ice cream.
Some netizens say that this is obsessive-compulsive disorder, but this may actually be just "Zeignick psychology".
In the 1920s, Zeignick found in a psychological memory experiment that when two groups of people do the same thing, one group lets them complete and one group interrupts them halfway, and the group that is interrupted in the middle will be obsessed with unfinished work, and can recall 68% of the work content, while the completed group can only recall 43%.
If you don't finish what you have to do, you won't be liberated one day.
This kind of "obsession" will have two extremes: either the driving force is too strong, in the face of unfinished, always want to do it in one go, overcome difficulties, and leave no regrets, just like the little boy who "pursues perfectionism" above, taking the lead in "inner volume"; the other driving force is too weak, but the "sense of incompleteness" is still lingering in the mind, feeling afraid in the face of incompleteness, falling into a sense of powerlessness, procrastination, procrastination.
How did this feeling of being firmly grasped by the "sense of incompleteness" and unable to complete it be formed?
2
Powerless to face
"Sense of incompleteness"
What should be done, frequently interrupted, can not be carried out completely, you will feel that you are unable to complete.
I have a girlfriend, when she is training her children to practice the piano, the child finishes learning a piece of music and begins to enter the coherent practice of the whole piece, but always interrupts the child because he plays a wrong key: "Start over", and gradually, the child becomes disliked playing the piano.
Later, their family changed a piano teacher, by her to accompany the practice, her method, is that no matter whether the child played the wrong sound, missed the sound, first let the child finish playing a complete song, enjoy the music melody to bring their own wonderful feeling, and then review afterwards, what mistakes just made, how to correct this song can play more beautiful.
Sometimes, the teacher is not there, and her child practices the piano at home, practicing the song over and over again, without pointing out, the mispronunciations naturally disappear, and at the same time, the child's ability to feel is enhanced.
When a child can try to tiptoe to reach it, don't pick him up.
Experiencing the whole process of effort is more important than the result.
If the child has the feeling that something that could have been done with all his strength, because of the continuous pointing out of error corrections, the integrity of the whole thing is "broken" by the parents, and a feeling of "unfinished" will also be generated.
Over time, there will be a sense of frustration that I can't complete independently anyway, and I will fall into the contradiction of wanting to work hard to challenge and feeling powerless to complete, which is exhausting.
Some children will be willing to spend more time in order to do a good job, and some children will spend more time to repair themselves when they are frustrated. At this point, we can wait. Or when he asks for help, it's never too late to help.
In addition to "things that should be done", there are also some "things that are very attractive to children", and if interrupted, there will also be a "sense of incompleteness".
Recently, a parent asked me for help, what should I do if her son's temper is too stubborn?
"If we interrupt what he is doing now, make him stop or go to do something else, never listen, will not be able to leave until he is done, several cows will not be able to persuade him, and his temper is very sharp!"
My parents listed several sins for me: ▼
In order to color a painting, you have to finish all the paintings before you stop and go to dinner;
Play shooting with friends, other children can throw in, but her son is young, not tall enough, tried many times can not, and finally the small partners are scattered, they are still there crying and shooting, until they are thrown, only to break into laughter;
If you don't buy him a toy car, you can lie there alone and watch for a long time, and you can't drag it away;
Coloring, shooting, the toys you want, in the moment, all of these are deeply attracted to this child. The mother's eyes of temper, not on schedule, not punctual, for the child, may just want to stay with the things that attract them for a while, this completely invested in the current activity of the state of self-forgetfulness, can be called "flow".
This feeling will bring a high degree of excitement and fullness, the sense of worry disappears, there is a clear sense of purpose, the child has a sense of mastery, and in this wonderful state, the child does not want to be disturbed, resists being interrupted.
However, when "interrupted", the flow is interrupted and the concentration is interrupted.
It is better to improve your child's concentration than to protect your child's innate concentration.
Only when these needs of children are met will they develop their own self-growth, internal drive, and the power to live in the present.
3
The "unfinished feeling" that was transferred
How deep is the plot of an unfinished event?
We thought we had forgotten something, but they didn't go far.
The repressed "unfinished plot" becomes a jammed energy that is silted up in the heart.
For example, some netizens did not agree to buy Transformers when they were young, and when they grew up, they would buy wildly when they had money, and they couldn't stop to make up for the unsatisfied child in their hearts.
A child who grew up with an alcoholic father who was neglected by his parents may also find an alcoholic husband when he grows up. People will be puzzled: if she experienced the trauma of her father's alcoholism when she was a child, she should grow up to find someone who cares for her. Why would she do that?
Because in the familiar pattern, she hopes to find a successful way to get along, that is, to repair the frightening memories of her childhood.
In fact, she is also completing her "unfinished event", by finding a partner like her father, reproducing her childhood experience, this time, she wants to find a breakthrough to solve the pain in the painful memories of childhood, looking for hope.
So, time doesn't smooth out the wounds sometimes. The fact that trauma can make people avoid harm also varies from case to case.
As long as the past experience is not complete for themselves, always thinking of finding the right time to make up for that deficiency, then people will also tend to "unfinished events" again and again, and return to the dilemma of "unfinished events".
What if the child already has an unfinished business that is in the mind?
(1) First let him express the negative emotions generated by the incompleteness.
"Whether you thought it would be nice to do it then?" "Do you regret not doing a good job?"
Using words like regret, guilt, regret, remorse, and resentment to elicit ta to say his "unfinished feeling."
(2) Avoid excessive self-attention in children.
Objectively assess unfinished events, accompany your child to accept imperfections, and tell him that things always have regrets.
(3) Use a small ritual to help him put an end to the "unfinished event". For example, the ice cream before, the candy bought, is the "sense of ceremony".
What are the "unfinished incidents" for your child? How do you deal with it? Feel free to share it with us in the comments section.
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