Wen | is leisurely
Fourteen years ago, Paula, a 41-year-old mother in the United Kingdom, died of a hailuoyin overdose at home, and when people found her, there was a 3-year-old daughter in the family, unattended.
Fourteen years later, the tragedy was repeated, with the same 25-year-old mother dying of heroin overdose at home, while finding her 11-month-old son alone in the house unattended.
The 25-year-old young mother, she is the 41-year-old woman above Paula and Sir Bob. Geldorf's second daughter, Petches. Geldolph.
Both mother and daughter work as news and TV hosts, are entertainment stars, and the final ending is strikingly similar.
Seeing this example, do you think, "The life experiences of this mother and daughter are so similar, it must be related to genetic inheritance." ”
Is this pure coincidence, or is it inevitable fate? Was it born this way, or was it born otherwise?
The book "Born Not This" may help us solve the mystery and find the answers we want.
The author of the book - Oliver. James is a child psychologist, relationship psychoanalyst, and known as the "National Psychologist."
British evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins believes that human beings are just walking dead, empty bodies and soulless, and that our reproduction and breeding of offspring is nothing more than a simple transmission of DNA.
However the author Oliver. James has a different view, he believes that the parenting style of the acquired parents is the most critical factor that affects what kind of person the child becomes.
Here are three main points of this book for everyone to share: 1, why we have grown up, but we have become the appearance of parents 2, parents treat their children in different ways, the results are also different 3, parents must continue to understand and learn, in order to better influence children
Why do we grow up and become the likeness of our parents?
Why are children and parents becoming more and more similar? In fact, in Oliver's view, it is nothing more than three mechanisms: speech, teaching by example, and identity.
Children from birth to adulthood, are living with their parents, parents' words and deeds, children are in the eyes, remember in the heart, parents' words and deeds are the object of children's learning and imitation.
In the text, the life experiences of the mother and daughter of Piches and Paula are so similar that we think it is caused by congenital genetic inheritance.
The factors that cause the same result for the two of them are actually the words, deeds and identities of the mother to her daughter from an early age.
Since Petches was left by his mother to a nanny to raise alone from birth, and did not live with his mother until he was two years old.
Young Petches realized from an early age that if she wanted to get her mother's approval, she had to know what her mother wanted to hear and what she said; what her mother liked and what she did, she was smarter than her sisters and sisters, in order to be liked by her mother, in order to have a place in the family.
Therefore, from an early age, she began to learn her mother's wisdom independently, learn her mother's words and deeds, and become a smart and excellent child with high emotional intelligence in her mother's eyes.
It is precisely for this reason that she is proud to emulate her mother's violent temper, smoking illegal drugs, and pursuing stimulation.
As an adult, Pitches has always felt that "mom has been living in her own body and lingering" is the trigger for the recurrence of the tragedy.
Children at a young age are completely dependent on their parents, and the earlier they live, the greater the impact on their children, and the more abused their children grow up, the more similar they are to their parents.
As we grow older, we gradually realize that our parents' words and deeds have had a serious impact on us, and if we want to get rid of it, we find that we have accumulated over time and formed a part of our lives.
Parents treat their children differently and with different outcomes
Parents take care of their children differently, so the results are also different, including the order of birth, gender, parental preferences and other factors.
Petches is the second oldest, her sister is six years older than her, her sister is a year and a half younger than her, and her mother likes her sister more since she was a child, so as not to affect her sister, let the nanny take her to live in the basement, and often abuse her, the most abused of the three children.
The birth order of a child creates a preference from the parents, which in turn affects the parenting style of the parents.
Mozart's father, whom we know, put all his hopes on Mozart in order to realize his unfulfilled dreams.
Mozart was trained by his father from the age of 3, composed music at the age of 5, and performed for the nobility at the age of 6. He practiced for 3500 hours before he was 6 years old and later became one of the world's geniuses.
However, few people know that Mozart's sister Nannelli, who had never been trained since childhood, was also a brilliant pianist and violinist at a young age.
She was not chosen by her father to become a genius, because Mozart's father preferred boys, so she was chosen for her younger brother Mozart instead of her sister Nannelli.
The gender factor has caused parental preference, which has different results.
One mother said her 3-year-old son was calm, generous, confident and brave, while her 5-year-old daughter was grumpy, insecure and timid.
For example, she is reluctant to try new things, dare not stay alone in the room at night, and need to be coaxed by her parents to fall asleep every night.
What causes the gap between two children to be so large?
It turned out that the two children were cared for differently by their parents when they were young, and when the daughter was 11 months old, due to the mother's limited energy, she put her daughter in a custody for 4 months, and at that time the girl's weight plummeted.
The son was personally cared for by her until the age of 3, and compared to that, the son received more stable love during the period of growing up, so the son's performance was much better than that of the daughter.
Different acquired care has different effects on children.
Parents' different parenting styles have created a different us. Many children are not born under the expectations of their parents, they will suffer from the original family, and they will grow up to heal the pain of childhood.
Parents continue to feel and learn, in order to better influence their children
When my daughter was ten years old, she learned to cook by herself, and as a result, she was accidentally burned, and while I helped her to apply ice cubes, I scolded her loudly, and she cried with a look of grievance. At that moment, I suddenly realized that I had unreservedly passed on to my daughter what had happened to me.
I remember when I was a child, once I was scalded with boiling water, my mother rushed over and reprimanded me loudly, at that time I felt very wronged, why did my mother always reprimand me.
However, although I was deeply affected, I still put my past experience on the child as it was.
The damage done to us by our original family has been formed, and we cannot change it. But the future we can grasp, we can decide whether to let our children continue to suffer such harm.
Only by setting an example of positive emotions can parents properly follow suit.
1. Self-improvement
Once, because my daughter was at the bottom of the exam class, I went home and yelled at my daughter and tore up the paper, only to break the door in tears, and later found her on the roof.
This incident still makes me regret it, because of my irritability, anxiety, and impulsiveness, the impact on her will last a lifetime.
I began to read parenting books, learned to write, improved myself, corrected the mistakes in my educational concepts, and understood that words and deeds are the best education.
The daughter is also unconsciously educated, and her mentality has become better, more responsible, but more excellent.
Parents through their own efforts, self-improvement, is the best spiritual motivation for children, but also the best example.
2. Lead by example
Every child has a strong ability to imitate, and parents are the most direct imitation objects of children.
Therefore, in front of children, parents should be consistent in words and deeds, strict in self-discipline everywhere, and lead by example, which is the best example.
Cross-talk actor Dabing said: "For children to scold is not able to solve the problem at all, I never hit my own children, children from childhood to adulthood have never been beaten, I am using actions to let her understand and learn, in fact, parents are children's imitation objects."
We shouldn't just ask our children to do it and not do it ourselves. In this way, the more the child is asked, the more the child will be disgusted and rebellious.
3. Harmonious relationships
Harmonious relationships between parents help children establish a correct outlook on life. A good family atmosphere can make children feel comfortable and help children grow.
Speaking of Du Jiang and Huo Siyan, I believe that everyone is very familiar with each other, and the relationship between them is very good, and every time in front of the camera, we will see photos of the two showing their love.
Once, a family of three was photographed by a reporter at the airport, Du Jiang pushed a lot of luggage, Huo Siyan only carried a small bag next to him, the two walked side by side, and said that there was laughter, simply envious of others.
At this time, the reporter found that their son Hum was also pushing a pile of luggage, and a person happily followed. Netizens have praised: this is a responsible little man.
Family education is the child's first school, parents are the child's first teacher, the parent relationship is harmonious, and the children cultivated will be warm, sunny and kind.
Parents should always remember on the road of educating their children: our words and deeds are the words and deeds of our children; our figure will be the figure of the children.
Although we can't choose who will be our parents, we can choose how to be good parents.
The book "Born Not This" provides us with the opportunity to change, but also teaches us how to change. On the road to nurturing children, let parents grow up with their children.
Author: Leisurely, from Suzhou, a city with a very strong cultural heritage, I will be grateful, forge ahead, and start my dream of writing.