Two days ago, a sister left me a message in the background, and I was very anxious between words.
It turned out that the children who lived in the third grade of the school had always complained to her about their inability to keep up with the progress of their studies since this semester, feeling that no one cared about them and wanted to withdraw from school.
I asked her how she got back, and she said she was patient enough to reason with her child and let her persist.
Looking at the chat history she sent me, a feeling of suffocation came over me.
From the conversation, the child's mood is already very wrong.
But the mother was completely occupied by "reasoning".
On the one hand, the child is releasing a help signal and longing for the love of the mother, and on the other hand, the mother is completely sympathetic to the child's helplessness.
This kind of twisting between parents and children is real and cruel.
What happened to the child? What am I going to do?
This is the most frequent help I encounter.
But, in my opinion, the more important issue is reflection:
How did parents and children get to this point?
In fact, without worrying about children's emotions, it is also a kind of "domestic violence" to be reasonable!
Have you ever experienced a picture like this:
Take the kids to the playground and he won't go home until dark.
You said go home and he had to play again.
You persuaded him: When the time comes, we will go dark without going home!
He even yelled and shouted at him, but he still refused to leave, and he cried and cried, without any ruts.
Every time I reason with my baby, I feel a deep sense of frustration.
A friend of mine encountered this very well done, it was a textbook demonstration.
She did not stop the child, did not persuade, and did not yell at the child, but said to the baby:
"You can play, but we don't have the money to take a taxi home, we have to go back, do you agree?"
The child happily agreed and played happily.
When he finally came home, his son said, "Mom, let's take a taxi home." Mom said, "We don't have any money, we just have to walk home."
Although the child was helpless, he could only obediently walk home with his mother.
The road was far away, the sky was getting darker, and the child was scared and tired, so he walked home with his mother trembling.
Since then, when the child encounters such a thing, he has never been entangled again, and he will not make a fuss casually.
As Rousseau said: Reasoning with children is the most ineffective education.
Reasoning with children is the next step, and sometimes letting children experience it is the best way to educate.
Some people wonder: Why is it that reasoning with children has become ineffective communication?
Psychologist Piaget said: Children can only see the world from their own point of view.
Brain science research shows that before the child is 3 years old, it is useless to reason with him!
We all know that the brain is divided into left brain and right brain.
The left brain is responsible for logical thinking, paying attention to order and rules; the right brain is responsible for image thinking; it is used to receive and interpret emotional information.
Before the child is 3 years old, the left brain is not well developed, and the logic and rationality are relatively weak. It is easier to be controlled by your own feelings.
Simply put, the child is too young to understand the truth!
For example:
When an adult sees that the table is messed up, the brain will think according to the previous memory, and after comparison, he will find that the table is messy and needs to be cleaned.
But for the child, he will not feel chaotic when he sees the table messed up, because his thinking ability has not yet developed well.
For him, the table chaos was just a scene in front of him.
Even if you say to him, "Clean up" or something like that, he can't understand it, he can't listen to it, because he only pays attention to the scene in front of him.
Therefore, when we see all kinds of brainless stupid things done by bear children, we don't have to feel strange.
If you think about it, adults and two- and three-year-old children are just joking when they reason and talk about conditions.
It's like a PhD student talking about calculus to someone who hasn't been to school, it's like playing the piano to a cow.
Perhaps, the moment when the thoughts of parents and children collide is the biggest gap between parents and children.
That being the case, what should we do?
Unreasonable, "empathy" with children
As Sun Li said, when the child is angry and dissatisfied, it is best to give the child hug and care first, so that the child knows that I understand you.
For example, we can say to a child, "Are you sad right now?" "If I were you, I would be very angry", let the child feel the understanding and acceptance of the parents, so that the child's emotions will become calm.
When the child's emotions have calmed down, it will be easier to communicate with him, and perhaps you can try to tell stories or other ways that the child is more acceptable to tell the child right and wrong.
Use your rights to "control" your child
When children are not yet mentally mature, especially children aged 1 to 3, they do not yet have the ability to distinguish between right and wrong, nor do they have the ability to take responsibility for their own choices. Therefore, parents cannot give up their right to make decisions.
Children can't understand the reason, but they can understand the behavior!
For example, when a child does not want to go to school, take medicine, or cry, parents can use expressions to tell the child that it is not okay, such as bowing their heads and adding a "boo" gesture.
There is a very popular education in foreign countries called "funnel education", this kind of "upper wide and lower narrow" education believes that:
In the early childhood, when children cannot distinguish between right and wrong, parents need to set up more rules and appropriate guidance for those things that can be done and those that cannot be done.
The child's original world is given by the parents, and the original rules in this world also need to be prescribed by the parents.
Appropriate delegation of authority and learning to guide
Although children's minds are not very mature, we also need appropriate decentralization to cultivate children's ability to be independent.
In life, as long as there is little impact, we should all respect our children's choices and ideas.
For example, what to wear when going out can make his own decisions and allow him to have his own thoughts and thoughts.
In addition, we should encourage children to do their own things and strengthen their sense of family responsibility.
If the child can complete the task seriously, praise him in time, so that he will do better next time.
Don't worry too much, just go with the flow
On the way to raising a baby, the girls don't have to worry too much, and sometimes they have to go with the flow.
Because there are some things that only when the child experiences it personally, will he really understand what is right and what is wrong.
When he experienced it himself, he naturally understood that this is growth.
In addition, the girls must sincerely listen to the child's speech and cooperate with it, so that the child will be respected.
If you blindly only talk about reasoning and do not talk about feelings and love, it is a great harm to the child.
After all, home is a place of love, not a place of reason.