Author | Zhang Huishan
Many parents actually only love part of their children.
If the child is happy, sweet, obedient, clean and tidy, and has excellent grades, then it is a cute and good child.
If the child is vulnerable, angry, afraid, withdrawing, or rebellious, then it is all unacceptable, problematic, and unacceptable.
However, you know what?
Many times, the "problem" of the child in your eyes is often not the real problem, it is just a child who is fighting alone, asking us for help...
The following stories are shared by a campus counselor.
The cases in the article have been adapted, hoping to inspire you.
Xiaomi is 8 years old, and in September this year, he began to live in accommodation.
Since the beginning of school, Xiaomi has been crying every day.
In the past half a month, there have also been some abnormalities in behavior.
The teacher reported that she not only did not sleep at night, but also sneaked to the school playground to sit, which caused the school to have a headache.
Why do you have to run to the playground in the middle of the night?
He said that because he wanted to cry, but did not dare to wake up the people in the dormitory, he really couldn't control it, so he went to the playground to cry.
Xiaomi used to learn well. Since the accommodation, grades have plummeted, I can't concentrate in class, I am often distracted and absent-minded.
Every day I look forward to going home on the weekend, and when I come home, I repeatedly ask my mother, "Can I go home and live?" ”
"No, you can't. You have to learn to be independent. Mom replied.
In the view of Xiaomi's mother, when the child grows up, he must learn to be independent, and now he is not independent, when will he stay?
"But she's still just a child!" I say.
Xiaomi's mother was stunned.
Yes, still only an 8-year-old child, you must adapt to an independent life, become an adult?
In the eyes of parents, children are "problematic", "not independent", "unconscious",
As everyone knows, the child has worked hard to support it!
Similar situations are not uncommon around us.
Xiao Yong, 13, was brought to the counseling room by his mother.
Since childhood, Xiao Yong is a proud "little warm man" who is hung up by his mother, and knows how to be considerate and take care of his mother.
However, after the first year of junior high school, the sensible Xiao Yong suddenly changed.
He became bored with school and became addicted to mobile games.
He started to lose his temper and argue with his mother.
After arguing with my mother a few days ago, I ran away from home.
After finding Xiao Yong, her mother was anxious and angry: "How did the child suddenly become like this?" ”
It turned out that in Xiao Yong's family, the relationship between his parents was very bad.
After every parental fight, the father will snatch the door and leave, leaving the broken mother, and the cautious child.
Mom had a very depressed life in marriage.
She kept telling her children: "In order to give you a complete home and not let you be looked down upon, I can only endure, I am all for you." ”
Since kindergarten, Xiao Yong has acted like a little adult, trying to take care of his mother's emotions, as if he is taking on the responsibility of taking care of his mother for his father.
However, he was just a child.
Giving up his own needs, undertaking his mother's inner anxiety and uneasiness, behind the little warm man, is a precarious depression.
When he grew up, one day he broke out.
Therefore, if the child behaves rebellious and emotionally out of control, it is likely that the child is "bad", but the child who really cannot withstand the pressure is asking for help from the adult!
What can parents do to avoid a serious neglect of their child's inner plight?
First, we need to realize that children are children first and foremost children.
See a gruesome story before.
A mother who wants to train her child's ability to fall asleep independently puts a 3-month-old baby in a bed and expects him to learn to fall asleep independently early.
As a result, the little baby could not turn over during the turn over, and his feet were stuck in the railing, and he finally suffocated and died.
Independence is not trained.
Strong, sensible, excellent, not to mention the achievement of "pulling seedlings" in advance.
If every time the child is hungry and thirsty, crying through the throat, he will not get a response,
If the child has a need every time, how to ask, no one pays attention,
If every time there is a negative emotion, how to express it, it is not allowed,
After N times, the child may stop crying, know that he does his own thing, and knows to work hard.
But behind all this is fear, suffering, helplessness...
It is catalyzed by the environment in advance, and it is false independence, strength, and understanding.
And the "pseudo-independent" child is like a shell with a tough surface and a void inside.
He couldn't really go far.
Second, parents should always be aware and moderately digest their anxiety, so as to help us see the real situation and needs of our children.
The following are suggestions from counselors:
1. Ask yourself more:
What are you most worried about with your child? Is it not fast enough to do things? Or in terms of academic performance? Is it because we ourselves were missing in this aspect when we were young, or because we were asked by our parents to do so when we were young, so we followed the aspects we cared about and rushed to let the children do a good job?
2, deal with the relationship with yourself, especially the aspect that you can't accept.
Seeing our own anxiety, distinguishing our own anxiety from our children, seeing our own expectations, and seeing that children do not need to undertake our excessively high expectations.
3) Understand that children are not our parents or partners.
Emotional satisfaction is a part that we need to fill in ourselves. To repair our intimate relationships and learn to be with ourselves, children are not responsible for taking care of our emotions.
4. Trust your child.
Accepting your child's growth is a slow process of being hammered. Self-control can only be developed with the support of love. Children are destined to make mistakes along the way, and then grow up by making mistakes. Give them an environment of understanding and acceptance, so that children can continue to grow and become truly strong.
There is a saying that goes well: the egg breaks the shell from the outside, it is trauma, and the egg breaks the shell from the inside, it is life.
When the child really needs it, parents can help ensure that the child will not suffer unnecessary damage because of premature shell breaking.
When love and companionship are enough, when the time is right, the child can naturally break out of the shell, which is the child's inner vitality.
Life is an upgrade process, from version 0.0, to version 1.0, and then to version 3.0.
During this period, you have to cross a lot of roadblocks, defeat a lot of monsters, and accumulate strength along the way.
What a child needs to grow is time, waiting, and support.
Only in this way can they become their own heroes on the road to growth.
Let your child live a life where he can say the final word!
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Author: Zhang Huishan, Jianghu people called 33 teacher, child psychologist, psychological science freelance writer. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.