The other day, I saw such a scene in the mall.
A little boy sat paralyzed on the ground, one fingering a toy on the counter, the other pulling on his mother's clothes, and crying:
"I want that toy!" I want that toy! ”
Mom threw away his hand, glared at him, and yelled:
"Go and go, what toys you want. If you cry again, I don't want you!" ”
After saying that, My mother turned around and was about to leave.
The little boy got up in a daze, unable to wipe away his tears, sobbed and ran to his mother, who reached out to grasp the corners of his mother's clothes, but her mother angrily slapped his hand again and again.
Looking at the little boy's cautious and sincere fear, I was really distressed.
In fact, similar scenes can be seen everywhere in our lives:
In the restaurant, the mother tries to persuade her daughter to eat obediently:
"You see so many people here, if you don't sit down and eat well, the bad guys who kidnap children will take you away." Be careful never to see Mom and Dad again. ”
When crossing the road, the little girl can't look at the road and is still addicted to mobile games.
The mother saw the mobile phone that had grabbed the little girl and threatened her:
"Play with your phone on the road again and let the police arrest you!"
In two-child families, in order to make children obedient, parents often warn:
"Look at how well-behaved your brother is, and if you don't obey him again, we will ask your brother not to want you."
In order to make children remember sex and become obedient, parents often use "threatening education", and sometimes even make up and exaggerate facts.
Parents think they can say whatever they want to make their children feel afraid, and self-righteously think that it's all for the good of their children.
However, is this method of education really for the good of children?
Some education experts have clearly pointed out:
Children in a long-term threat state will lack of security, form a flattering personality and even lose themselves, which is seriously detrimental to the healthy development of children's physical and mental health.
Therefore, threatening education will not cure the symptoms, but also have a huge impact on children.
Threatening education will plant a seed of uneasiness in children's hearts
There is a topic of "How to view parental threatening education?" ”
The answer of a netizen is heart-wrenching.
From the moment she learned things, her father was a loyal practitioner of threatening education.
"If you don't obey, we won't want you."
"You can't get into a good university if you don't study hard, and no one will like you."
"If you don't listen to me, sooner or later you will suffer losses, and no one will take care of you at that time."
Every conversation, every phone call, her parents used intimidation and threats to force her to obey.
Even though she is an adult, her parents still dictate her life:
She wanted to do what she loved, and her parents felt like she wasn't doing it.
She wanted to take a break and catch her breath, and her parents felt that if they didn't hit the iron while it was hot, they would be left far behind by others.
She doesn't want to take the civil service exam, doesn't want to go on a blind date, doesn't want to go back to her hometown,
Her parents either hysterically rebuked her: "no conscience", "white-eyed wolf", or took her body, life, and constantly threatened her to submit.
Growing up, she hardly ever seriously thought about what she wanted.
She is always worried that if she is not careful, she will disappoint her parents, and she is worried that if she is not careful, she will touch the reverse scales of her parents and make her parents sick.
She retreated step by step, obeying everything, but living more and more unhappily.
She was reluctant to talk to others and became inferior and timid.
She was extremely insecure and was at a loss for anything.
She does not dare to fight in her career, does not dare to fight in love, and even the things she likes are also suffering from gains and losses.
It is said that the child's sense of security comes from the parents.
The respect that parents give to their children is the confidence for children to move forward bravely.
The love and understanding given by parents to their children is the source of a strong child's heart.
Children are too "sensible", not necessarily a good thing
I've seen such a story.
From an early age, the girl was praised by relatives and friends as a well-behaved, sensible and polite child.
But in fact, the little girl just wants to not provoke her parents to be angry, so she tries her best to "pretend".
She obviously wanted to play with other children in the bunker, but she was afraid of getting her clothes dirty and deliberately said that she didn't want to play.
She obviously wanted to eat an ice cream, but she was worried that her mother would be angry, saying that she was uncomfortable and did not want to eat it.
She obviously liked the beautiful dress, but she kept waving her hand and saying: It's too expensive, I don't want it, I don't want it.
Du Jiang once said a sentence:
If you can be pampered, who doesn't want to be wayward to grow up.
The reason why the little girl has two sides like this has a lot to do with the threats and intimidation of her parents.
Every time she dripped food on her clothes, her mother said to her, "If you do this again, I won't buy you beautiful clothes anymore." ”
She went out and didn't call anyone, and her mother said to her:
"Why not call people?" Dumb? The next time you don't understand politeness, I won't take you out to play. ”
She had a fight with her brother, and her mother said to her:
"Why can't you let your brother?" You're a big kid, and you don't have pocket money anymore. ”
At a young age, in the face of her parents' threats, she had to cry, bite her lip, and helplessly say "yes.".
Until now, little girls will always pay attention to the faces of their parents.
As long as the parents have a wide-eyed action, the little girl is reflexively feels afraid,
She will be worried and uneasy to reflect on whether she has done something wrong, quickly admit her mistake to her parents, offer courtesy, and exchange her parents' forgiveness for more obedient and well-behaved behavior.
And this kind of flattery has always grown up with her and become a subconscious habit.
In her future work and relationships, she habitually prioritizes the feelings of others:
"Well, okay, then I'll try to help you."
"Am I doing something bad?" I'm really sorry. ”
"Okay, you can go if you want, I'm really fine."
She is afraid of the negative evaluation of others, afraid of what she has done wrong, and tries her best to please others.
Education experts say that absolute "sensible" is not necessarily a good thing for children.
Indeed!
Pandering to others and pleasing others means that children will care too much about what others think.
They do not have their own opinions when doing things, and dare not express different opinions;
They will blame themselves for mistakes that do not belong to themselves and even keep denying themselves and blaming themselves;
They don't understand what they really want, and they can't really get their inner happiness.
Children are too sensible, but it has become the biggest stumbling block on their growth path.
A moderate but determined education is the best education
A French friend once talked to me about her relationship with her parents.
When she was a child, she was particularly naughty and always fought with boys.
Once, she wanted to read someone else's comic book, and when they didn't show it to her, she pushed the man angrily.
As a result, you come and go, and the two children fight.
When her parents learned of the incident, they were not angry or scolded her.
Instead, after asking her why she hit someone, he gently and seriously provided her with a solution to the problem:
"You want them to borrow comic books for you to read, you can go directly to them and borrow them,
You can also ask them what they want, and if you have any, exchange them with them.
This is the way to solve the problem, hitting people will only make them avoid you and dare not go near you. ”
It is precisely because of the tolerance and patience of her parents that until now, no matter what problems she encounters and what grievances she has suffered, she will pour bitter water and seek help from her parents like complaining to her friends.
Teacher Li Meijin said:
All education must be based on parent-child relationships.
The parent-child relationship is not good, and all education is in vain.
We threaten children with parental authority, blame children, and control children, but we can only reflect the effectiveness of education on the surface, and cannot convince children.
Only like the parents of friends, respect the child's ideas, listen to the child's distress, and encourage the child to say his feelings and needs,
Invite your child to find a solution together, provide a choice for your child, and give your child more patience and gentleness in order to make your child identify with you and change in the direction you want.
The process of parents educating their children is also a process of continuous perception and learning.
If you want to educate your children well, parents must also learn to change and make efforts together.
Replace blunt reasoning with gentle snobbish guidance;
Replace verbal threats with patient egalitarian communication;
Replace overbearing control with clear analysis.
Parents' gentle and patient guidance, firm support and encouragement are the best education for children.
The growth of children is inseparable from the support of parents.
*Author: Summer & Amaranth. Source: Wisdom Parent V (ID: zhfm831), Wisdom Parent is kapok's parent-child education number, focusing on the growth education of children aged 0-15, aiming to help visionary parents raise children who grow up for life.
*Note: Some of the pictures in this article come from the Internet.