Beijing Tong Zhuangyuan Education Group
When the child is emotional, when the child is frustrated, when the child feels that there is no love and is ignored, parents will be overwhelmed and do not know how to make the child stop crying and calm down.
The core point of operation is: first respond to the child's feelings, and then respond to things.
· 01 ·
The best response is to target the connection implied by things
When a child talks about or asks about something, the best response is usually not to target the event itself, but to the connection implied by the matter.
Six-year-old Flora complained that she had recently received fewer gifts than her brother, and her mother did not deny her complaints or explain to Flora that her brother was older and should receive more gifts, nor did she correct the mistake. She knows that what children really care about is the depth of their relationship with their parents, not the size and number of gifts. So Mom asked, "Are you worried that I love you as much as I love him?" She didn't say another word, but hugged Flora tightly, and Flora smiled in surprise.
That's the end of this conversation, which could have turned into an endless argument.
The real intent of many children's problems is their desire for peace of mind. The best answer to such a question is to assure our children of our eternal love for them.
· 02 ·
Respond to your child's feelings about this
When a child talks about something, it is usually more effective not to respond to the matter itself, but to respond to the child's feelings about the matter.
When your child comes home and complains about friends, teachers, or lives, it's best to follow your child's tone of voice, rather than trying to find out the truth of the incident or tell them a wise solution.
Ten-year-old Harold came home and started throwing tantrums and complaining.
HAROLD: What a miserable life! The teacher said I was a liar just because I told her I forgot my homework and she yelled at me, she did! She said she was going to write you a note.
Mom: You're unlucky today.
HAROLD: Exactly. Mom: Being called a liar in front of the whole class must be embarrassing to you. HAROLD: It's really embarrassing. Mom: I bet you must have scolded her a few times in your heart! HAROLDS: Yes! How do you know? Mom: When someone hurts us, we usually do it. HAROLD: I feel a lot more relaxed.
Children feel deeply comforted when they discover that their feelings are part of a normal person's experience. The best way to convey this comfort is to understand them.
· 03 ·
Use specific details to express understanding beyond your child's expectations
When a child evaluates himself, he is usually not just answered with approval or disapproval, but to express understanding beyond the child's expectations in specific details.
One child put it this way: "My arithmetic is not good. ”
If you tell him, "Yeah, you react badly to numbers." ”
It is not helpful to say so, nor is it useful to refute his views, or to give him superficial opinions such as "If you work harder, it will be better", these rash kindnesses will only hurt his self-esteem, and this direct lesson will only reduce his self-confidence.
You can answer his "my arithmetic is not good" with sincerity and understanding, and any of the following sentences will do:
"Arithmetic is a difficult course."
"Some questions are difficult to answer." "The teacher's criticism doesn't make arithmetic easier." "Arithmetic makes people feel stupid." "I'm sure you'd like to get out of class soon." "You'll feel at ease at the end of class." "It must be very difficult to take the exam." "You must be worried about failing." "You must be worried about what we're going to think." "You must be worried that we'll be disappointed in you." "We know that some subjects are difficult." "We're sure you'll do your best."
· 04 ·
Understanding children when they are negative and negative about themselves is the greatest help we can give
A twelve-year-old girl said that when she came home with a failing report card and her father spoke to her with such understanding, she almost fainted, and she said in her heart, I must be worthy of my father's trust in me. When a child expresses a negative, negative view of himself, our denial and opposition will not help him, they will be more firmly convinced of their own opinion, and the greatest help we can give is to tell him that we understand not only his feelings, but also his special hints.
For example: Ivan: I'm stupid. Father (seriously): Do you really feel that way? Don't you think you're smart? Ivan: I don't think so. Father: So you must be sad in your heart? Ivan: Hmm. Father: In school, you must be very worried about time, worried about failing, worried about low scores.
When the teacher asks you to answer the question, you must be very flustered, even if you know the answer, you can't say it correctly, you are afraid that your words will sound stupid... The teacher will criticize you... Classmates will laugh at you.
So, a lot of times, you'd rather say nothing. I think you probably remember what you said and everyone laughed at you, which made you feel stupid, but also felt hurt and angry. (At this point, your child may tell you something about his experience.) )
Father: Look, son! In my eyes, you are excellent, but you yourself have a different opinion.
This conversation may not cause the child to change his mind immediately, but it may plant a seed of doubt in his heart, wondering if he is really that incompetent. He might think to himself: If Dad understood me and thought I was a good person, then maybe I wasn't so useless.
The intimacy generated by this conversation may make the son try to be worthy of his father's trust in him, and eventually, he will gradually discover many of the strengths in himself.
Parenthood is a science
Who doesn't want their children to be good and healthy?
Scientific parenting can help children shape a sound personality.