In a family, parents, lovers, children, who do you value more? There is only one answer to this question: lovers are heavier!
Well, such an answer, in the social context where Confucian filial piety culture is the mainstream and dominant, is obviously the rhythm of being beaten. However, if everyone's anger and scolding before touching their own conscience ask themselves: in the context of the current era, the deepest confusion about family relations in their hearts, the most authentic desire, the most rational voice, if you still want to scold after asking, then please ask yourself.
The most eternal and unchanging thing in the world is called "change" - this sentence should be blackened and thickened and then covered with eye-catching bright yellow, like the "danger warning sign", the kind that looks far away, every hair on the body will subconsciously support it! Yes, the current society is a society that all mankind has never experienced; correspondingly, as the most stalwart and stable cell of the current society, the "family", its mode of existence is also changing, and it must also change!
What is the era when the family is the main body of survival? It is not a general feudal era, but a simple summary of the era of "relatively low productivity". Because the productivity is relatively low, the information is not developed enough, the social division of labor is relatively rough, and the young people's better survival opportunities, living conditions, interpersonal circles, etc., must rely on "blood" as a link to obtain - "family", which is the most powerful social organization that carries all this. The allocation and rules of "family" resources are, of course, formulated by those who tend to be at the highest level in multi-generational and multi-spouse families, who are of course the voice of the family in the family, and only they can maximize the benefits and resources in the family by virtue of age, generation, seniority, etc.
Secondly, the Confucian dominant idea of "filial piety is the foundation of benevolence and the foundation of man" has occupied an absolute dominant position for thousands of years, and it is deeply rooted, and "parents are heavier" has become a matter of course.
Third, the relationship between parents and children is called "blood relatives." Love and intimacy between blood relatives have natural properties (except for the case of hatred and hatred) - and the relationship between husband and wife is the relationship between one stranger and another! These two strangers, who were born in different families, humanities, and geographies, ate different diets, received different upbringings, and came into contact with different classes or groups of people... Everything about them is different, just like two newly carved stone mills, to smoothly grind out the original, fine, smooth, fragrant soy milk, it is necessary to need two magical additives, one called "time", one called "love", these two work together, each other through fine tuning and pondering on themselves, so as to achieve seamless cooperation and bite with each other, this long process is the completion and growth of two stone mills with each other, and the final achievement is of course the eternal beauty of carrying a person's white head.
What is a "nuclear family"? Simply put, it is a family formed by both husband and wife and their unmarried children.
The "nuclear family", this form of family is the most representative and most important form of family existence after the rapid improvement of modern social productivity, the great abundance of survival resources, the rapid development of information and exchange technology, and the more refined social division of labor such as family life services.
The family form of the "nuclear family" is completely different from the earlier multi-child families, where parents and adult children and their spouses, children's children under the knees, "four generations in the same house" polygamous and large families, or large families.
In particular, in the current era, the small families of small couples are not only the ultimate holy land and belonging of the "love" of both parties, but also the sustainable cooperative body of economic sharing and honor and disgrace shared by both parties in the future - the wife tops half of the sky, the husband also tops half of the sky, one wife and one husband and one home = half of the sky + half of the sky = one day!
I would like to ask you, if "parents are heavier", how will this complete piece of heaven supported by "wife + husband" be divided? A piece of heaven = a circle, half of the wife, half of the husband, clear and clear. If the parents add in, the results are nothing more than two:
The first is the regressive infant return of the wife or husband.
The wife or husband's retrograde infant return transfers the responsibilities, obligations, and rights that a wife or husband should bear, and gives it to his parents to bear it--the old man, since he has undertaken the relevant responsibilities and obligations, why can't he enjoy the relevant rights? For example, all kinds of finger-pointing to the eating and drinking of the daughter-in-law or son-in-law, and all kinds of commanding the daily economic expenses of small families, children's education, etc., are all enjoying rights! The little couple is upset? Why not? While enjoying the sourness of spending parents' money, time, and energy, while shouting that their parents interfere too much and cross the line too much? There is no such reason under the heavens, what good things should be all you have, why? When you're that, don't think about the archway!
Second, the wife or husband is gradually reduced to an "outsider" in the family that should belong to him.
It is the wife or husband who should have been reduced to an "outsider" in the family that should belong to him - this means that the newly established "nuclear family" belonging to the small couple has died in name only! On the surface, the little couple is still a small couple, but one of the two people has in fact been "obliterated" by the parents of a party who is deeply involved and deeply crosses the line! Regardless of responsibility, obligation, or right, the parent has replaced one of the small couples and become an important member of the small family: the equation of "one wife, one husband and one family = half of the sky + half of the sky = one day" is not established, and they may become like this: one wife + her parents (husband: invisible person) a home = half of the sky + half of the sky = one day, or "its parents" (wife: invisible person) one husband and one home = half of the sky + half of the sky = one day.
A simple summary: the newly established small family, unconsciously replaced or transformed into the original family of the wife or husband, in short, the small couple, there is always a marginalized, become an outsider, but their own home has nothing to do with themselves.
In the current era, why should the subordination relationship in family ethics change?
First, this change is related to whether young people can get a higher happiness index and gain a "soul mate" in the "new family" after marriage, so that the "new family" created by both men and women, the "economic cooperation community" and "emotional win-win community", can be sustainable, rather than closing the door.
Second, this change is more about the "new life" born in the "new family", and whether its little mind can be as beautiful and harmless as the clearest boundless blue sky - don't underestimate childhood trauma! Not to mention the old couple and the little couple in the process of getting along with all kinds of words or emotional fighting methods that do not see the smoke of gunfire, intentionally or unintentionally "use", "hurt" and "in the name of love" emotional bullying of innocent children!
Third, this change is the truth of the truest, most beautiful and deepest love: love for minor children, right? For minor children, the source and skills of their future marital happiness are learned by their parents when they are young. Love adult children, right? Be sure to allow and encourage them to love their spouse first: as a parent, you can only spend the first half of your child's life; the longest companion for the second half of your child's life is their lover.
Fourth, this change is not only the inevitable of the times, but also an ethical necessity: the best love of parents for their children is the closest and most powerful support and companionship when they are minors + the appropriate withdrawal and distance of children after they become adults!
Fifth, this change is also the reason why human beings have not been extinct since then: the inheritance of love flows downwards. Parents' love for their children is always greater than their children's love for their parents - because when children become adults, they must flow more and more money, energy and love to their children.
In the current era, for many young people, marriage is indeed not a must. People's physical and mental health, happiness index, a small number of people depend on the career (especially for unmarried people), see the beautiful scenery and eat all the food to moisturize how moist! For most people, it depends on whether the couple can respect each other, support each other, and have high-quality companionship – is it difficult to harvest this? It's not hard!
Whether it is love for parents, children, wives or husbands, this love should be spontaneous-conscious-natural, "spontaneous" is the end of benevolence, is affection; "self-consciousness" is the end of righteousness, is reason; "nature" is the true awakening of conscience and wisdom after breaking through all kinds of indoctrination, morality, and ethics, the desire for the deepest truth of one's subconscious, the most natural growth - no matter what situation, when, and who you face, please put your wife or husband on your own heart, always the first!
Qi Yun: Post-70s, devout readers, good at prose, good at commentary. Focus on family education, writing tutoring, exploration of big language teaching and promotion of traditional classic reading.
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