Want a "child of someone else's family"? Become a "parent of someone else" first! What should parents do?

Text | He Rihui

Publish | Sunny day psychology

01. If you want to become "someone else's parent", first self-reflect on these 6 points

In the previous article, we analyzed that many so-called "other people's children" actually have greater mental and psychological hidden dangers. Their excellence may only be superficial and temporary, and it is not worthy of the envy of parents, let alone blindly compare their children with "other people's children".

However, are there "other people's children" who are truly physically and mentally healthy, excellent in character and learning, independent and confident, and high against business? Of course.

Behind these children, there is often at least one "parent of someone else's family". They know how to understand, respect and actively guide children, and basically master the true laws of educating children to grow up healthily and become adults.

The cognitive level and level of parents greatly affect and even determine the cognitive level and level of children. If the cognitive level and level of parents are still at a relatively low level, it will be difficult to ask and guide children to become truly excellent people.

Therefore, it is understandable that parents want their children to become dragons and daughters to become phoenixes. But the first thing parents do is not to urge their children to learn from "other people's children", but to take the initiative to deeply reflect on themselves:

Am I the "parent of someone else"?

If I want to be a "parent of someone else", how can I self-reflect, change and improve?

The following is combined with our years of in-depth psychological intervention for adolescents and parents, especially the breakthrough findings at the level of human implicit memory, to provide some analysis and suggestions, hoping to inspire parents.

If parents want to become real "other people's parents", it is best to self-reflect on the following points:

First, as parents, do we blindly compare our children with "other people's children"?

In the child's growth stage, we better guide the child to compare with the past self, consciously find their own progress or slack; You can also guide children to compare with the goals they set, find out in time how far they are from the goal, how to improve, and achieve the goal as soon as possible.

Even if parents want their children to learn from others' advantages and good practices, they should use the three steps of benign communication, on the basis of empathy, listening to children, and on the basis of having a close parent-child relationship, and then actively guide children to think: if we want to achieve our goals as soon as possible, what good practices are worth learning from others, we can find a way to learn.

Second, as parents, will we impose our unfulfilled wishes and dreams on our children, without consciously respecting our children's life choices as an independent individual?

Some parents have no consciousness or the opportunity to study well when they grow up, and they regret it very much after entering the society, thinking that their life is very unsatisfactory, so they force their children to study well and not go back to their own path.

They may even give up their own rise and efforts, and have no other spiritual pursuits, but put all their attention and life focus on the child, and manage the child's affairs in detail, further increasing the psychological pressure of the child.

Third, as parents, when children raise different opinions, do we always hang on to the phrase "we are for your good"?

"We are for your good", this is a sentence that many children are very disgusted by and annoying when they hear it, and parents better say it as little as possible. In most cases, parents do have good intentions, but are they in the right way? Is the child's psychosocial needs understood and respected?

Moreover, today's children do not necessarily know less things than their parents, and in some ways, they may even have access to more information than their parents. It is indeed possible that their ideas and ideas may be better than their parents and more suitable for the current society.

In this case, although parents subjectively want to make their children better, parents' opinions and decisions may not really make their children better. It is hoped that parents can be aware of the great changes of the times, keep pace with the times and remain humble, communicate effectively and benignly with their children, and make decisions together.

Fourth, as parents, do we have the idea of "raising children and preventing old age" based on our own interests?

Although in law, children have the obligation to support their parents, in fact, parents should not raise their children with the intention that the children will repay themselves materially and financially in the future.

Therefore, to some extent, the idea of "raising children to prevent aging" is more selfish. If parents hold this idea, they must not put themselves on the moral high ground to accuse their children and make all kinds of demands on them.

The truly great, pure, parental love should aim at the child's ability to become an independent adult, so that the child can break out of his own world and live his own life, and the parents only provide assistance when necessary. If parents know how to raise scientifically, children tend to be grateful to their parents from the bottom of their hearts and reciprocate, rather than being forced by legal or moral requirements.

Fifth, do parents create a good and warm family environment for their children?

There are many parents with high education and strong personal ability who have not been able to run in a good husband and wife relationship, the three views cannot be consistent, and they often have their own opinions and quarrels at home. But they all have a common puzzle: why are we both so good, and the children don't inherit our good genes and become equally good?

This part of parents is ignorant of scientific family education, does not keep pace with the times, and realizes that parental quarrels and family atmosphere suppression will cause superimposed psychological trauma to children. Children are prone to learning disabilities, manifested as "school scum"; Or even if you study well, you are prone to emotional problems.

Sixth, parents want their children to have the ability and quality, first of all, can parents do it, can they become role models for their children?

The power of parental role models is endless, whether it is "good example" or "bad example". If parents themselves have some character weaknesses and bad habits that are difficult to overcome, then don't blame the child for not being able to do it.

Similarly, if parents want their children to develop some good abilities and habits, it is best to try to learn them first, strive to become a role model for their children, and it is also conducive to sharing experiences with their children.

If you talk deeper, parents and even themselves must first do the three views and have a positive understanding of the meaning of life, otherwise it is difficult to become a role model for their children, and it is even more difficult to actively guide their children.

02. For these 3 things, parents had better do it consciously

If you want to become "someone else's parent" and teach a truly healthy and excellent child, parents must also do the following 3 things.

The first thing is that when the child needs help, parents should come forward in time, instead of turning big things into small things, or even blaming the child.

There are many aspects to "when a child needs help" here, but one particular importance is about bullying in schools.

Many children with mental and psychological problems have been ridiculed, insulted, and even physically violent by their peers. They have said and asked their parents for help, but parents often think that these are trivial things, and they will send their children away in a few words, and even criticize their children for not studying well and focusing on these useless things.

You can imagine how depressed and desperate a child should be when he has no way to ask for help. If this happens a few times, the child closes the door to his parents, encounters setbacks and difficulties, and is reluctant to tell his parents, because he feels that it is useless to say it.

They choose to report good news rather than worry, refuse their parents to enter their true inner world, and even endure depression and pain to make a sensible and sunny appearance. By the time parents find that the child has mental and psychological problems, it is often more serious, and the child may even want to commit suicide.

The second thing is that parents should not think that their children's learning depends entirely on talent and genes, but should master some scientific knowledge of efficient learning, guide children to cultivate interest and motivation for learning, and establish an efficient learning state.

Although the healthy growth of children's mind and body cannot overemphasize academic performance, if children love learning and have scientific learning methods, learning itself is an interesting, meaningful and fulfilling thing for them.

Moreover, objectively, excellent academic performance and relatively high academic qualifications can indeed make children have greater freedom in life and have more choices on the whole.

Many parents are well aware of the importance of academic performance, but they do not master the scientific method and adopt a blind "chicken baby" method, and their children have learning disabilities and cannot learn well. Even many university professors, although they are top students, do not know how to guide their children to become a "top student", but lament that their children are "scum".

Therefore, parents do not think that they are excellent, they will definitely be able to teach their children very well; Don't think that if you are not excellent, your child will definitely have mediocre academic performance. Parents should not completely leave the responsibility of educating their children to teachers, professors, and experts, because they are likely to not grasp the real rules, especially the lack of understanding of people's implicit memory.

Whether parents can master the knowledge of learning disabilities and efficient learning, and guide their children scientifically, is the key factor.

Another thing is that no matter how good children will grow up, they will step into and face the intricate society, and the needs of emotions and love will germinate.

Parents should consciously guide their children to realize the complexity of human nature, especially the dark side of human nature, and improve their awareness of prevention. If the child is a woman, the father should pay special attention to establishing a close parent-child relationship with his daughter, guide the daughter to remain rational in love, and not become a "heavy love brain".

Otherwise, although the child's academic and ability is very strong, it may end up being too simple, planted in a lack of vigilance for others, or planted in an irrational emotional relationship. Zhang Yingying, who was killed in the United States, and Bao Li, a Peking University girl who committed suicide by her boyfriend PUA, are painful lessons.

03. Educating children is difficult, but the sense of happiness and achievement is huge

Some parents may feel that the requirements listed above are too high, if parents can do it, then they will become gods!

Simply put, the responsibility of parents is to "give birth, nurture, and teach". In this day and age, it is not difficult for most parents to give birth to and raise their children. But when it comes to a real science education for children, it's really challenging.

Especially there are many parents, the body and life have entered the new era of society, but the concept of family education is still stuck in the past. Such parents' thinking needs to be reborn urgently, so that they are more likely to guide their children to complete good socialization and adapt to the current society.

Therefore, it is really difficult to educate children scientifically, plus each family has its own actual situation and objective difficulties, it is even more difficult.

But fortunately, parents can now get a lot of information from the Internet, and there are many ways to improve their cognitive level, broaden cognitive boundaries, and learn truly scientific family education knowledge.

Today's children are the natives of the "digital planet", they are constantly exposed to new information from an early age, and their knowledge and vision are gradually approaching or even surpassing their parents.

If parents are still self-righteous, self-righteous, and educate their children based only on their own feelings and experiences, the family education cause will not only be more difficult, but also often contrary to the expectations of parents.

I hope that every parent can reflect deeply, if they find that they have shortcomings, it is especially late to make amends, truly qualified for the role and "post" of parents, and enjoy a great sense of achievement and happiness in educating their children to adult talents!