In adult social life, there are always people who often talk about the sky to death, and the atmosphere instantly becomes subtle and even awkward.
In the parent-child relationship, not every parent can chat with their children.
Yesterday, on the road, I saw a mother and son chatting, the son was very excited to talk about the new friends he met in the interest class today, the mother reacted calmly, after listening to the child's words, seriously instructed:
"Don't let people delay your class! You're here to learn, you're here to make friends! ”
The child looked displeased, and pulled the strap of his bag angrily: "We didn't play during class!" ”
The mother and son chatted and broke up unhappily.
In reality, how many parents are like this.
We gradually find that the more children grow up, the more love they have that are difficult to express.
Children who used to say everything began to be reluctant to share their lives and thoughts with themselves.
Most parents naturally regard this parent-child silence as one of the signs of their children's growth, but it actually reflects some of the problems we often overlook in the process of communication.
We talk to our children every day, but how much of it is ineffective communication?
In the chat skills of parents, the following ways are the easiest to gradually alienate the parent-child relationship.
PART.
01
The first one: too many evaluations and too many truths
Why do many parents break up when chatting with their children?
The biggest problem is that they always try too hard to sell their values, point fingers at children, output all kinds of big ideas in one direction, try to change children, and never really listen to and understand children's needs.
Behind every truth, there are countless sentences such as "you should", "you can't", "you can't", "I told you a long time ago".
Dr. Thomas Gordon, a famous American psychologist, wrote in the book "Parent Effectiveness Training":
"There are a lot of parents who get into trouble in parent-child relationships, and they are people who have an extremely strong and strict sense of right and wrong. The more convinced they are of their values and beliefs, the more likely they are to force their children to accept them. At the same time, such parents tend not to accept behavior that deviates from their values and beliefs. ”
Dr. Thomas Gordon calls the alienation of children from their parents: children expel their parents.
This is because when parents try to use long reasoning and harshly ask their children to change, children will use evasion and opposition to protect their dignity and position.
A parent friend asked me, "Have you noticed that parents who talk more tend to have more communication problems with their children?" ”
For example, when children reach a certain age, they have a heart for beauty, begin to care about their own dress, and some parents make alarm bells and begin to educate their children:
"Your current task is to learn."
"It's too early for you to love beauty now, and dressing up is not something a student should consider..."
In the child's view, overly lengthy preaching is an intervention and control, and his focus is to escape your intervention and ensure their freedom.
Once your child notices the parent's excessive educational intentions during the chat, he will be reluctant to communicate with you.
If reasoning for the first time is useless, parents need to use more strength to persuade their children later.
Reading this, parents may ask: "Can't I reason well with my child?" ”
In fact, reasoning is a way of education, but we must pay attention to the methods and methods when using it, and there are two tips that can facilitate our reasoning to be listened to by children.
The first is listening.
A psychology teacher once told me, "The most valuable communication tool is genuine listening." ”
Listening itself conveys a kind of goodwill.
In parent-child communication, the value of listening is greatly overlooked.
A psychologist once said, "Who do you go to when you need counseling?" Instead of going to someone who tells you what to do, you're going to find a listener, the kindest, most tolerant person you know, who doesn't want to control you. ”
Actively listening to your child's emotions will make them feel understood, and they will even actively seek your advice.
The second is to be a consultant, not a preacher.
When talking to your child, you can make suggestions and share your thoughts and experiences, but don't call the shots.
If you always talk to your child as a teacher, it will only make the child lose the desire to talk to his parents.
PART.
02
The second is to ignore feelings and not understand empathy
Many people have this experience, saying to their mother when they were young:
"Mom, my back hurts!"
"You are a child, how can you have a waist?"
……
This is just a joke, but we often use the excuse that children are small and ignore their feelings:
"Aren't you going to be too sensitive?"
"Wouldn't it? What a big deal! ”
"What's so sad about that."
These words are undoubtedly denying the true feelings of children.
There is such a small thing:
A little boy lost the Ultraman card book he had collected for a long time, and after returning home, he was crying very sadly, and the mother on the side, how to comfort was useless:
"Ultraman, that's all a lie! It's good to lose it! ”
"Don't cry, isn't it just a bunch of cards!"
"Okay, okay, go back and let Dad buy it for you again!"
This card book has been collected by the child for a long time, and many of the cards in it are exchanged with other children downstairs in the community every day.
The card book is also his "social pass", children are envious of him, every time he takes him downstairs, he can always attract the attention of a group of children.
But his mother's words made him even more sad.
Every word of her "comfort" reminds the child: your hobbies, your feelings, are not worth mentioning.
In fact, the child's feelings are far more delicate than you think.
What adults think is small may be "bigger than the sky" in the child's own eyes.
As adults, when we communicate with close people, when the conversation ends, we will feel closer and more connected to each other than before.
This is because the other person gives us emotional tolerance, understanding and acceptance, and can respond positively, and we will know that we deserve to be treated so tenderly.
The same should be true for parent-child chats.
Communication skills are not that important, it is important that you focus on your child's feelings, be by their side, understand them, support them, and share pain and joy.
If your child no longer believes that he can get comfort and help from his parents, no longer feels that his parents are concerned and tolerant of him, and is more disappointed, he will not be willing to open his mouth to you anymore.
PART.
03
The third type: the chat content is too single and "utilitarian"
Many families, parents and children, have nothing to talk about except studying.
In the movie "Ten Thousand Arrows Through the Heart", the son said to his mother:
"Since you were a child, have you done your homework and done your homework, will you say anything else?"
A survey once found that nearly 20% of families have little to say between parents and children without talking about homework, exams and studies.
Different children have different understandings of this way of chatting.
A student once expressed his inner distress as follows:
"Every time my parents talk to me, they open their mouths to learn and learn, and they don't understand me at all. I feel that their love is not what I am at all, but a me who has good grades and studies. ”
Many children feel this pain.
Why are there so many psychologically ill children now?
Part of the reason is that their source of value is too single, grades determine whether they are excellent, grades determine whether parents are pleasant, grades determine how they see themselves.......
Just like we go to work every day, if you only have this one thing every day, your communication with relatives and friends is only this one topic, and in the long run, you will also give birth to a "sense of meaninglessness in life".
This is one of the reasons why children do not want to chat with their parents, they do not feel any love and care from their parents.
Parents who can chat not only care about their children's academic performance, but also talk more about life, hobbies, and even nonsense with their children.
The famous German writer Christoph Hein created a picture book called "Talk to Children About the Most Important Things in Life", life is complicated, we have too many things to talk to children: friends, cats, food...
These non-learning topics also happen to be an indispensable part of a child's life.
Parents and children chat, to understand the art of "talking nonsense", casual words, which contain the expression of love, the flow of emotions, children will also fully feel the love and attention of parents, and obtain a sense of security and happiness.
Being able to chat is the most educational skill that parents should master.
I hope you and I are not "chat terminators" in the eyes of children, together!
Source | Transferred from "Qian Zhiliang Studio"
Illustration | In
Co-ordination | Zhou Caili