Author丨Li Lingyao Source丨Parents must read (fumubidu01)
One day, a mother and I discussed her child's slow homework.
Her children are often left by teachers because of their slow homework, and the family is very concerned about this and anxious about the child's writing speed. The child herself is embarrassed by this, sometimes she is obviously left to write homework, but she disguises that she is staying to help her classmates or write homework.
I asked the mother, "Do you parents have to pay so much attention to the fact that the teacher left to write homework?" The mother replied, "Only by making her realize her mistake will she change it!" ”
Let the child realize the mistake, she can correct the mistake, this should be the view of the vast majority of people. So, is there another solution to the problem?
In fact, "slow" is not a "mistake", and it is not even a disadvantage, because there are individual children whose characteristics are relatively slow, they just need more time to practice and adapt than ordinary children.
I followed the mother's train of thought and asked her: "Well, like you said, you have made her realize that she is 'wrong' many times, so how effective is the change?" Obviously, that's what bothered her.
I said, "Wouldn't it be better if we found that our child was slow, but never told her, but tried to affirm her, motivate her, and make her unconsciously faster?" ”
If we always tell the child that it is slow, and she always pays attention to this "mistake" and constantly finds evidence of slowness, the child will be convinced that he is a "slow child". If parents and teachers always pay attention to this shortcoming and always criticize her, this argument is further reinforced.
Why do children often know the problem but "teach it repeatedly"?
Because of frequent reminders and criticism, she deeply believes: I am so slow! The child has accepted the label of "slow child", does not believe that he can be fast, and has completely lost the psychological motivation to change himself. Even if we put pressure on the child to become faster, the self-image in her heart is still in the stage of "slow child".
The mother said a detail: "When the child was copying sentences, her father and I reminded her: 'Copy sentence by sentence, don't copy word by word!'" That's too slow! She did, but she was upset. ”
I suggested that she speak to the child in a consultative tone: "You can copy word by word, but mom knows a faster way, are you willing to try?" ”
If the child is willing to try, he will definitely find it faster. If not, we respect the child's choice: "Today is still your method, mother helps you remember the time, see how many words you copy in an average minute." Let's try another method tomorrow, see how many words you copy in a minute, and then choose the one you like. ”
We can also imagine another possibility:
We still pay attention to the speed of our child's homework, but when she is writing homework, do not put a little pressure on her, do not rush her. If one day she finishes very quickly, her family can positively affirm her.
The child does not feel that fast is an unattainable goal, at this time she pays more attention to her sense of achievement, and she will learn from it, such as trying to be focused when writing, or reading a few more words at a glance.
Her family can also ask her to share her experience, so that she will have a conscious summary method, which may be used in the next homework, which will gradually form a virtuous circle.
The appearance is that homework is slow, and the deeper reason is respect and acceptance.
Children have the same basic need as adults – to be respected. Each child's characteristics are different, when your child has problems that are different from other children and seem to be shortcomings, do not blindly condemn, give the child more time and space, respect the child's psychological feelings, so that he has the strength and motivation to slowly correct the problem by himself.
This also reminds me of another thing.
During the Spring Festival, the 4-year-old nephew always rushed to answer the phone, he picked up the handset and pulled his throat and asked: "Who are you?" "Seems very rude. When he wasn't allowed to answer the phone, he cried his nose.
So I asked him, "Do you want to answer the phone?" He said, "Hmm. I said to him in a soft tone: "You can't answer the phone so loudly, if you want to answer, I'll teach you three sentences, you learned, all the phones at home are answered by you, okay?" ”
The little nephew nodded very sensibly, and the three sentences I taught him were: hello. Who are you looking for? You wait a minute, I'll call him. Considering that my little nephew is only 4 years old, I taught him to remember as much as possible, and did not use the words "excuse me" and "wait a minute". The little nephew repeated, and we were relieved to let him answer the phone.
In the first few times, I paid more attention, he did a good job, and I affirmed him: "The caller must be thinking, whose child is this, so polite!" Although the little nephew did not say anything, he was obviously very useful, and his enthusiasm for answering the phone was higher, and he became an extremely dedicated operator.
So, as long as the method is right, it is not so difficult to change the child's behavior.
Children copy word by word, which is already slow, but if we change the angle, the word "slow" does not appear in the speech, which can also mobilize the child well. It is rude for my nephew to answer the phone, but we can also make him polite if we don't talk about big things like "everyone doesn't like rudeness".
Many parents tend to cherish their children's mistakes and turn a blind eye to their children's progress, as if wearing a pair of colored glasses to screen their children's mistakes. They want to help their children, but the more mistakes they find, the more they can't be corrected, and the "mistakes" eventually become "stubborn diseases".
This is easy to explain, even if we don't see the child's progress, it doesn't mean that the child hasn't worked hard. We might as well experience it from the child's point of view: "If the results of your efforts are not only not recognized or even discovered, but get dissatisfaction and criticism, who is willing to continue to work hard?" ”
We stare at children's mistakes to help them correct them, but in fact artificially add resistance to children's progress and dissolve children's inner motivation.
We might as well change a pair of "glasses" to discover the child's progress. Screen out where the child is doing well and "positively reinforce" the child's behavior. When the child's efforts receive positive feedback, he is more willing to repeat the behavior. In the process of continuous repetition, the child will continue to improve. Even adults like to learn and stay successful through success, and children are even more so.
Maybe you say, "The child is not improving at all, what can I say for him?" "During counseling, parents often ask me this. Interestingly, I can always find out the progress of my children between the words of parents. In fact, every "wrong" gap hides a small shining point.
For example, no matter how slow the child is, he can always find a relative "fast", which is the starting point of progress. One child didn't do any homework after a fight with her mother, but at one point she insisted on bargaining with her mother at her desk. Despite the rhetoric, isn't it progress to know how to negotiate and compromise than to give up completely?
Some parents were surprised: "I never realized it was progress. Why do you always notice your child's progress? "I came up with a small lesson:
It is necessary to use the effort in ordinary times, always pay attention to the small progress of the children, and respond to them with words, expressions, and eyes in a timely manner. When you find a mistake, don't rush to say, but wait, wait until the child has improved, and the attitude is happily affirmed, and the child's positive behavior will cover the mistake.
When encountering mistakes that must be said, I try to point them out in a constructive way, and pay special attention to the softness of the tone to resolve the child's embarrassment. In my opinion, this is a low-cost way to correct mistakes.
Parents have this worry: Won't finding a mistake and not pointing it out make the child's mistake worse?
If mistakes are not pointed out, then what better way to make children progress? Psychologist Rogers emphasized that in the process of psychotherapy, the therapist or counselor should accept the client without reservation and give the client unconditional positive attention.
Yes, "unconditional active attention", that's the answer.
Unconditional positive attention, emphasizing acceptance of the child. When we truly accept the child, look at the child from a positive perspective at any time, naturally see his advantages and cuteness, so that when we observe and look at a child, we will be full of joy. This inner state is transmitted to the child through our words, expressions, and demeanor.
Every child likes to feel recognized and appreciated, and this acceptance achieves a child's sense of self-worth.
If we focus on the good of the child, the child will also focus on our good points, both parties are in a state of love, love produces magical powers. When the child feels that he is a valuable person, he will take the initiative to do valuable things to match his identity. If the child has the motivation to improve himself in his heart, even if there are some mistakes and shortcomings, he is willing to correct them.
Always staring at the child's mistakes is "conditional negative attention" - when the child is right, we accept; When children make mistakes, we ostracize. Not being able to accept the child's imperfections actually hurts the child's sense of self-worth.
When the child makes a mistake, he feels that he cannot get the love of his parents, and this pain will make the child have some limited thoughts, so as to protect himself by withdrawing. Once such a child encounters something unsatisfactory, it is easy to consider himself a victim and a loser.
Moreover, when we stare at our child's mistakes, our children will also stare at our mistakes, and both parties are prone to anxiety and anger. Therefore, in addition to correcting mistakes, there is another layer of task: dealing with negative emotions on both sides. This distracts the child from correcting mistakes.
"The road to hell is paved with expectations."
The so-called mistakes, some of which exist objectively, and some of which are created by our high expectations, are the high standards in our hearts that "mistakenly hurt" the child.
If we compare children to the expectations in our hearts, children are often wrong. If you only look at the child himself, you can definitely see the child's strengths.