How parents indoctrinate their children, how children give back to their parents

Author: Main Creative Group Fireworks March

Last weekend, when I went back to my hometown to visit my parents, I happened to meet my aunt and brother-in-law who went to borrow money at home.

According to the aunt, the cousin talked about a girlfriend some time ago, both felt good, and were planning to get married at the end of the year, but the woman asked to buy a three-bedroom apartment in the center of the county, almost 1.2 million.

The sister-in-law and sister-in-law were reluctant to eat and wear all their lives, and saved more than 300,000 yuan, but they didn't want their son to take on too many loans, so they thought of borrowing some money from relatives.

I asked my aunt, my cousin has been graduating from college for 6 years, so he doesn't have much money to save?

At the mention of this, the sister-in-law began to sigh and said:

"He, high or low, no one has worked for two years.

It's not going well, and I'm going to change jobs.

I didn't earn much, I spent a lot, and sometimes I reached out to ask us for money.

He also said that the two of us have no ability to buy a house for our son in full like his classmate's parents. ”

Saying that, my aunt still sobbed, and said with tears in her eyes:

"People who are almost 30 years old, they don't know that they feel sorry for their parents, let alone they will be filial to us in the future."

As a parent, the greatest happiness is not that the child is admitted to a prestigious school, not that the child is engaged in a decent and expensive job, but that the child can be filial to himself when he grows up, so that he can enjoy his old age in peace.

Whether a child can be filial to his or her parents when he grows up has a great bearing on the upbringing given by his parents from an early age.

The following four types of families are tired and difficult to raise filial children.

A family that is obsessed with raising children

In fact, most of the reasons why my cousin has become such a lazy worker, spending money excessively, and gnawing at ease with old age comes from his parents.

The sister-in-law and the sister-in-law got married at an older age, and they had children at an older age, and they especially loved this hard-won son.

They want to give the best to their sons, so they would rather eat steamed buns every day and pickles, not add new clothes every year, and also enrich their sons.

When he was in junior high school, his cousin began not wearing non-brand-name clothes, went to the county town to eat KFC once a week, and invited classmates to parties on his birthday.

Once, when my cousin saw a pair of 1200 yuan sneakers and had to buy them, my aunt and sister-in-law borrowed money from a neighbor to buy them for him.

The borrowed money was divided between the two of them for 4 months before paying it off.

His cousin's classmates once thought he was a rich second generation and were curious about what his parents did.

In fact, he is just a child in an ordinary family.

It was his parents' hard work on material prosperity that made him a proper "rich second generation of ordinary families".

Whatever the cousin wants, he will be satisfied by his parents, and everything will come too easily.

Therefore, he couldn't imagine how his parents treated him harshly in order to meet his requirements, let alone the hardship and difficulty of his parents doing all this.

Even if I grow up, at an age when I should be self-reliant, I still reach out to my parents and ask for it, without feeling guilty or unbearable.

Bi Shumin said:

"Parents in the world, if you love your child, let him start to love you and the people around you from the time he can.

This is not adult selfishness, but foresight for the sake of the child. ”

Because a child who only loves himself will not learn to cherish and be filial to his parents.

Only parents no longer bite the bullet and enrich their children, allowing their children to grow up in real life.

Only then can children see the hardships and sufferings of their parents, give birth to the soft but tenacious strength to cherish and obey their parents, and shoulder the responsibilities they should shoulder.

Families with irritable parents

The boy Zane in the movie "What a Home" has not been treated gently by his parents for a day since he was a child, and his parents hit him or scolded him.

The gentlest words he had ever heard from his parents were, ", you trash!" ”

At home, Zane doesn't feel any warmth, so he wants to escape the cold home with his ID card, but is stopped by his father, who drags him and pats him on the head and threatens to kill him.

Poisoned by his parents' irritable emotions since he was a child, Zanne, who grew up in violent abuse, was inevitably contaminated with the element of indifference.

He failed to get warmth and care from his parents, so he was disappointed in his parents and hated them even more.

Therefore, he took his parents to court, because they were violent and unraising.

The French writer La Fontaine once wrote a fable about the power of the north wind and the south wind, and who could take off the coat of a pedestrian.

The north wind feels that it is cold and fierce, as long as the wind is increased, it will naturally be able to blow off the clothes on pedestrians.

People encounter biting cold winds, but wrap their clothes tighter.

The south wind blows slowly, and pedestrians feel comfortable and warm, so they take off their coats.

This fable later became a concept in psychology known as the "south wind effect."

The same is true for education.

Under the stormy parenting style, no child can learn how to receive love, perceive love, express love, let alone let love flow, children will only feel cold, close the door of the heart, and avoid parents.

Only gentle mouths and hands can soothe the pain of children's growth, so that children can deeply feel the love and pity of their parents, so as to feedback to their parents.

A family with strong and exclusive parents

Remember the news that "Peking University postdoctoral fellows went to study in the United States for 20 years and lost contact"?

Wang Yongqiang, a 50-year-old postdoctoral fellow at Peking University, has been missing from his family for 20 years.

The 77-year-old mother was dying and wanted to see her son before she died.

But when the media took great pains to find Wang Yongqiang, he commissioned an intermediary to relay: Don't look for it anymore.

When asked if he would like to come back to see his mother for the last time, Wang Yongqiang only said seven words: Qing officials are difficult to decide family affairs.

For a while, public opinion was in an uproar, and netizens condemned Wang Yongqiang as ungrateful and a white-eyed wolf.

Is that really the case?

What makes their parent-child relationship incompatible?

With the development of events, some unknown experiences about Wang Yongqiang surfaced in front of the public's eyes, and people slowly understood his difficulties.

It turned out that Wang Yongqiang's parents said everything at home, and since he went to college, his parents have never stopped asking for him.

From asking for subsidies from the school to being asked to arrange work for relatives, asking for money was chased from home to abroad, until Wang Yongqiang's wife was forced to leave home.

As a last resort, Wang Yongqiang fled to the United States and did not contact his family for 20 years.

And this tragedy is precisely caused by parents, who think that when they give birth to a child, the child is their own appendage and must obey themselves.

This is a big mistake.

The need for independence is great, especially for children who grow up.

If parents still want to treat their child as a kite in their hands, hold on to that thread and let it fly wherever it goes.

Sooner or later, the kite will tear off the rope that restrains it and fly higher and farther, to heights that the hands cannot reach.

Therefore, if you want your children to be willing to be close to their parents when they grow up, parents must learn to respect their children's independence, have a sense of boundaries in their hearts, and not regard their children as their vassals.

It will only demean the child's family

The so-called "good words are warm in three winters, and evil words hurt people in June cold." ”

Parents should never underestimate how much influence their words have on their children.

Host Wang Fang recorded such an example in the book "The Best Way for Children".

A 26-year-old man with a daughter-in-law and children, who does not want to improve at work, always carries his family behind his back to buy lottery tickets, and ends up straying into a phishing website, coming and going, and secretly mortgages the family's house.

The mother came to the show scene really collapsed, a handful of snot and tears to tell, I thought that after my son became a family, I could enjoy the blessings, but I never expected to pay off my son's debts, and my son didn't know how to be considerate and feel sorry for his parents.

But this man said that the reason why he ended up in this field is that his parents can't get rid of it.

It turned out that his parents did not encourage him since he was a child, and all they gave him were negative evaluations.

Once he learned a way at school to make handmade products from Coke barrels, made them himself all day, and gave them to his mother, who only glanced at them: "Say what a broken thing!" "Just throw it away.

So he always wanted to prove himself, and this time he bought a lottery ticket to win the jackpot all at once, and then let the whole family look at him, and he ended up stabbing such a big basket.

Sometimes, in order to prevent their children's pride and complacency from leading to backwardness, or want to stimulate their children to be shameful and courageous, parents always like to suppress their children with words that are not inappropriate.

The beautiful name is "knife mouth, tofu heart", all for the good of children.

In fact, parents' "knife mouth" is a "knife heart" in the eyes of children.

The reason is as psychologist Dr. Susan Foward said in Poisoned Parents:

"Children cannot distinguish between facts and jokes, they believe what their parents say about them and turn it into their own ideas."

Since childhood, how can a child who has been poked by his parents' "knife mouth" and "knife heart" still have the mental strength to be gentle with his parents?

I love this sentence:

"The so-called parents and children are actually 'causal' relationships.

How parents indoctrinate their children, how children give back to their parents. ”

No child is born with a heart of stone, and there is no child who does not know how to feel sorry and filial to his parents, everything has cause and effect.

May parents give their children gentle and firm love, not spoiled, not tyrannical, and nourish their children with tenderness and respect.

May parents plant good causes and reap good fruits in their children.