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Many parents want to give their children full freedom and give their children the best things. Therefore, blindly indulging, feeling that "as long as he likes it", "the child's happiness is the most important", "these rules will naturally be understood by the child when he grows up"...
As the saying goes, there are no rules and no squares. From an early age, if there is no rule formulated by his parents to restrain him, the child is easy to do whatever he wants, and he does not know how to judge whether his words and deeds are good or bad.
Such a child will grow up to become a person who does not follow the rules, and it will have a great impact on the child's interpersonal relationships.
"Love children" and "make rules" are never single-choice questions.
In fact, parents who manage too little and too strictly are not uncommon around us. Generally doting parents believe that the pressure that the child has to face is already very large, taking advantage of the fact that he is still young, giving the child a happy childhood, and indulging the child will not have any impact on him. Parents who are too strict believe that there are no rules and no squares. If you don't discipline your children from the details of life now, how can you let your children gain a foothold in society in the future?
Both of these views sound reasonable, but the problem is that the way these parents deal with contradictions is not a comprehensive consideration, but a single choice between "loving children" and "making rules". This either-or choice will inevitably have a negative impact on the child's growth.
Families who love their children too much cause their children to have no rules, no manners and no respect; the latter makes children cautious and follow the rules.
It is important for parents to recognize that rules and love are inherently unified.
In the book "Family Education", there is such a sentence: "Freedom with rules is called liveliness; freedom without rules is called wanton; not being arrogant is called rules, and not being lively is called dullness." ”
It sounds very awkward, but it is not difficult to understand: "For example, a cattle ranch, surrounded by an iron fence, cattle eat grass and drink water in the fence, running east and west, this is called lively, cattle herders are not good at interfering with it; if you jump out of the fence, it is wanton, you have to interfere." If it is not in the fence, it is the rule; if it is in the fence, it is not allowed to eat grass and drink water, or run around, so it is dull. ”
In the same way, if the love we give to our children causes selfishness and laziness in our children, and makes them lack the most basic abilities and upbringing, then this kind of love is infinitely harmful.
On the contrary, if the rules we set for our children cause indifference and coldness in the home, and the children's nature is suppressed and stifled, then such rules are meaningless. After all, the essence of home is the inner destination, what is needed is sincere care and closeness, and what is needed is humanity and empathy.
Establish rules for children, and parents cannot ignore these three principles:
1. Some things cannot be habitual
Some parents said: "There are rules in the family, but the children are not rude!" ”
This is a common problem in many families: children do not listen to your principles, and often threaten their parents by crying and not eating.
This is largely due to parents lowering the bottom line again and again.
For example, it was agreed with the child to play iPad for only half an hour a day, but as soon as the child cried, the adult compromised, so he played for half an hour
One of the characteristics of spoiled children is that their requirements are always met.
The first time something goes wrong, the adult compromises, only to find more trouble for himself and the child in the future.
2. Some things must be done by the child himself
Some parents also think that the child is small, doing things and rubbing, parents first help their children to do everything, and then cultivate them later.
In fact, in every age of children, there are things they can do.
Parents can tell their children what they want to do according to their children's characteristics.
Love is never a big package, teaching children how to solve problems, rather than helping him solve problems, this is true love.
Let the child do more things within his ability, and after a long time, he will learn to be self-reliant and self-reliant in growth.
3. There are some responsibilities that the child must bear by himself
In the picture book "I Will Always Love You", there is such a dialogue:
Ali: "If I make the pillow feathered, do you still love me?" ”
Mom: "I'll always love you, but you'll have to pick up your feathers." ”
Ali: "If I sprinkle paint on my sister, do you still love me?" ”
Mom: "I'll always love you, but you're responsible for bathing your sister." ”
The mom in this story does a particularly good job, and she goes out of her way to reassure, "I'll always love you."
At the same time, do not forget to emphasize: child, you are responsible for your own actions. You have to try to find ways to recover or make up for the consequences of what you have done.
Parents cannot help their children escape, but should ask their children to bear the consequences of their wrong words and deeds, so that children have the honesty and courage to face mistakes.
These four rules must be cultivated from an early age
Rule One
There can be no rough, vulgar behavior
There is a type of child who likes to use violent means to force others to obey their will; to use language to attack and coerce others to achieve their wishes. However, such an approach is absolutely undesirable!
If the child has vulgar words and deeds, what should parents do? First of all, help the child to distinguish between right and wrong, and clearly tell him: "You can't do this in the future, this is a rude behavior, you have to be criticized!" "Then parents guide the child, let the child reflect on himself, and come up with a better way to deal with such things."
Such rules can help children adjust their emotions, learn how to treat what they want, how to deal with their emotions, etc. In the process, children will constantly adjust their views on things and their own mentality. When he grows up, he will also use this model to treat the people around him, becoming more rational and considerate of others.
Rule two
Other people's things can not be taken casually
Some children often have difficulty distinguishing between themselves and others, let alone know how to distinguish between what is their own and what is other people's. So as long as it is something he likes, he will not hesitate to reach out and take it, thinking, "It is mine when it comes to my hand!" ”
In such a situation, parents should consciously help him establish his boundaries with others.
Such a rule can help children better distinguish between "your" and "mine", knowing that what is not their own is someone else's, other people's things cannot be taken, and "my" things must be at my disposal. This conceptual distinction is the basis of the most basic morality and mentality, and he grows up to know how to respect others better.
Rule three
Don't bother others
When a child encounters something good, such as being praised by a teacher, making a new friend, etc., he will always be excited to tell his parents about it, and no matter what his parents are doing, they will not hesitate to interrupt. And now many parents are "child first", so often allow children to interrupt themselves at any time, but also will respond happily to children, such an attitude is easy for children to let into the habit of desperately disturbing others, and when they grow up, they may be self-centered and difficult to live in the group.
If you find that the child has such a bad habit, the parents should consciously help him correct it in his daily life, telling him: "It is very impolite to disturb others casually, you think, if the baby is sleeping, the child always comes to talk to you, will the baby be happy?" "Calmly guide the child to learn to think in a different position, let him know that it is very unhappy to be disturbed by others, and then make rules for him."
Such a rule can make the child learn to respect others, let him know that when others are busy, they should not bother him, and the child learns to think differently in the process, and will become more empathetic, so that it is easier to make a lot of good friends!
Rule four
Apologize for doing something wrong, and have the right to ask others to apologize
Parents love their children, always feel that "the child is still young" everywhere to let him, even if the child makes a mistake and does not apologize, his parents will forgive him with a soft heart. Such a way of handling will make the child feel that "doing something wrong is not a big deal, anyway, mom and dad will forgive me", the child has no constraints, it is inevitable that he will do whatever he wants and make more and more serious mistakes.
Teach children from an early age to apologize for doing wrong things, so that they are good children who know how to be polite! When the child makes a mistake, in addition to educating him, you can ask the child to say sorry to himself, if the parents blame the child, they must also apologize to him, set a good example for the child, and abide by the rules with the child.
Such a rule allows children to learn to be polite, to face honestly, and to have the courage to admit mistakes. In this process, children also learn to reflect on themselves and begin to know how to defend their rights.
Loving children is our instinct; it is our responsibility to make rules for children to grow into an adult who can stand alone. The unity of rules and love can achieve the future of children.